Many Happy Returns

…Why do people say that about birthdays? What is one returning?

I am taking advantage of this being my birthday to…do something, I guess.

SODA WARS

…as I grew up calling it. Not “pop.” Or “soft drink,” which was just what the companies called it. Anyway, one of the things that always intrigued me about the Drumpf (Trump’s father changed the original family name, I suppose to sound less Germanic) presidency (OK, the Drumpf hanging-around-the-White-House interval) was the red button on his desk to summon Diet Coke. If I win the presidency, I will summon Pepsi Zero, but I will summon it by just mentioning that to anyone who happens to stop by. They don’t have to make me a red button AS IF IT WERE A NUCLEAR LAUNCH. Anyway, if you thought someone just brought him a can of Diet Coke, you would be wrong. They had to pour it into a glass in front of him, and then hand him the glass on a silver tray. (Why not a gold tray?) This was continuing the ancient Mar-a-Lago practice, in which servers had to do the same. They also had to bring him a fresh bottle of ketchup each time, and open it in front of him so he could hear it go “pop.” It is also Mar-a-Lago practice for other diners to stand and applaud when he walks in. It makes me wish I could go there, just so I could remain seated, and use some old bottle of ketchup that hadn’t been opened in front of me. I don’t even care for ketchup much, but I would use it, on principle. However, I would like other people to stand and applaud when I walk in. I haven’t done anything to deserve it, but neither has he.

My birthday weather fit the definition of my happy place–gray, with red roses blooming nearby. When I came up with my Happy Place, I realized, You know, you’re just describing your own front porch. It’s like on The Office, when Dwight told Jim that his dream was to be assistant regional manager to the Devil in Hell. And run a bed & breakfast on the side, but that’s too much work for me.

Ooh, I just noticed I can change the type or background color on this. Intoxicating! But how will I decide? It’s not like when I was still working, and changed A Certain Person’s type color to red when she was out of the room, so the screen looked like a bloodshot eyeball, and she had to pretend she didn’t care. Or the time they left Nick 2000 messages, and he thought he had to delete each individually, not knowing he could delete them all at once. A memory I cherish, even though I wasn’t there.

See how I can’t handle even a small amount of power? Vote for me!

Stuck in the Middle with Them

It’s hard to avoid eavesdropping when you are literally standing in line between 2 people, so, in line at the dollar store…

1st guy: “Didja know Biden gave each migrant a Visa card and a smartphone?” {Disclaimer: the cell phones in question can only contact the immigration service app.}

2nd guy: “Yeah, but we still have to pay taxes.”

1st guy: “Everything’s upside down.”

2nd guy: “Trump’ll straighten them out.”

{Disclaimer: NO HE WON’T, BECAUSE THEY CAME UP WITH A BIPARTISAN IMMIGRATION PLAN, AND HIS MINIONS IN THE HOUSE QUASHED IT, SO THAT HE CAN RUN ON IT AS AN ISSUE.}

Since I am a Radical Centrist (at this point, being a centrist is itself radical), surely all of you are asking (surely!), “But, World Leader, what do you have to say about the Left?” Just reflect on the terms “identifies as,” and “product of conception,” and you’ll know. But at least they’re not plotting to overthrow democracy, so I’ll vote for them. While I’m still allowed to vote.

By the way, ya notice that all the fawning illustrations of Trump slim him down, and give him abs? Therefore, whenever you make graven images of me, please nip off a few pounds, give me the high cheekbones I could have inherited from my father and didn’t, and make me look good in black.

AD MAGIC

Lands’ End catalog: “Swim shorts in three lengths and fun colors!” Except that the longest length only comes in navy and black. Wait, those are fun colors!

“We’re the best for the way you business.”

MY FAST-FOOD UNIVERSE IS SHRINKING

Tried going to Taco Bell on St Joe, went to the counter, and the employee said, “Sorry, you’ll have to order at the self-service station. I can help you with it if you like.” Or you could just, um, take my order. I said, “That’s OK” (it was not), and walked out. So, Taco Bell is trying to make me do their job, McDonald’s is too oniony, Lic’s and Lee’s have gone away mysteriously. I can usually be found at Subway. EAT FRESH OR DIE!

THE GREAT RESTROOM CONSPIRACY

The drugstores are against me, too. I headed for the restroom at Walgreen’s, and an employee stepped in front of me and said, “The restrooms are closed, a guy, well…We’re getting a man in to clean them.” I thought, “A guy messed up both of them?” I also noted that the signs on the doors didn’t say “CLOSED FOR CLEANING” or “OUT OF ORDER,” but “NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.” I moved on to CVS, which had a sign on the restroom door that said “LOCK IS BROKEN.” I thought, OK, someone will just have to knock or take their chances, I’M GOIN’ ON IN ANYWAY, but no, they meant that the door was stuck on “LOCKED.” And after Covid, they changed their restrooms from mens’/womens’ to employees/civilians, and there’s a big red-letter sign on the employees’ that says NO ADMITTANCE.

That was several weeks ago, and Walgreens still hasn’t gotten a man in to clean their possible biohazard, nor has CVS fixed their lock. So I’m thinking that they want to not have public restrooms, but not take the bad press of not having them. It’s like Dollar General, where the policy is to put in restrooms, then put an Out of Order sign on them for the rest of forever. (The one down the street put one up as soon as they moved in years ago, and apparently it’s still out of order!)

This is on the heels of activism about the U.S. practice of being able to use a restroom being dependent on a private business allowing you to, which has always struck me as haphazard.

P.S. Scratchy Glitter is now 11 years old! So buy me a drink or something.

Back Again

I went to the liquor store, and the manager, who is familiar with me by now, asked to see my ID again. He said, “Now we have to not only ask for it, but we have to check the expiration date.” You know, not only does it still have my picture on it (looking grumpy and middle-aged) (OK, like a middle-aged serial killer), but if it were expired, that would only mean I was even older, and therefore more qualified to drink. Think I’ll mention that next time. After all, he seemed to not care about my story of being seriously carded for the last time at 29 (Freedom Festival Bierstube, 1984). This will give him more to not care about.

Current favorite comedian, Nate Bargatze, check him out on YouTube! He does stuff like this and gets money for it! (Disclaimer: He did not give me money to mention him, nor does he know I exist.)

I COULDN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP…OR COULD I? BUT I DIDN’T

Donald Trump said, at a rally in Iowa, “The only thing I know about magnets is, you get a glass of water, and you put it on the magnets, and the magnets are gone.” Everybody try this at home! Inject yourself with bleach, while you’re at it.

VOTE FOR ME! I UNDERSTAND MAGNETS!

Huh, What?!

What year would be complete without me resolving to post more frequently? Especially since the odd 1-3 people have been checking in every day to see if I have. I don’t know if they found what they were looking for, or what, in fact, that was.

THE JOY OF DISCOVERY

I was at Subway, my current favorite fast-food place (EAT FRESH OR DIE!), and a small child was discovering that, if you hold a piece of thin-sliced ham up to the window, the sun shines through it.

NOUN-AS-VERB DESTRUCTION

“The smart way to business.”

I am just glad this practice hasn’t gotten popular outside of advertising.

MORE INSANITY

“You have thousands of pictures on your phone. Use our app and get your favorites made into a framed picture you can hang on your wall!”

Objections abound:

–If you have thousands of pictures on your phone, you take too many pictures.

–We had CAMERAS that took a picture that you could HANG ON YOUR WALL, so stop acting like this is some amazing new idea.

OK, objections didn’t exactly abound.

FASHION INFLATION

I read an article claiming, “Pantyhose are not pants!” Anyone remember my lost cause, “Leggings are not pants!”? Next they’ll be saying, “Panties are not pants!” And finally, “Your bare buttocks are not pants!” And they’ll be derided as old-fashioned and dowdy for saying that.

DEATHLY WEARINESS

“Marjorie Taylor Greene Mentions Bill Clinton’s Epstein Connection, Ignores Trump’s.”

Because….I dunno. I will only note that, in my scheme of things, nobody gets three names. I don’t make everyone call me Firstname Middlename-or-Maidenname Lastname, and you shouldn’t either. And your hyphen, if any, will not save you. {Disclaimer: My Facebook profile does indeed include my maiden name, which was in the hope that relatives from that side of the family would find me, and they did! I still don’t expect anyone to call me that.}

Dictator for a Day

Trump says he will only be a dictator on Day 1, so he can “build a wall and drill, drill, drill.” The policy proposal of an 11-year-old. “And I’ll throw my enemies in jail, but first I’ll have my friends beat them up! And a big crowd–the biggest crowd ever–will laugh and cheer and say, “Yay, do that!!!” And then I’ll get into my gold-plated plane full of McDonalds and fly to Florida, where I’ll sit on my gold-plated toilet!! MAGA!!!!”

Speaking of drilling and drilling and drilling, has it occurred to any of these Friends of Coal and Oil that, whether or not you believe in climate change, we’ll eventually run out of those things?

HUH?

“Liquid I.V. Powder.”

A.) A powder is not a liquid.

B.) An I.V., on the other hand, is a liquid.

C.) Why?

And also, “Super Beets Heart Chews!”

A.) Why would anyone want beets?

B.) Chewing on a heart, ew.

C.) Sounds like something Dwight on The Office would sell.

And furthermore,

“Laxative Gummies! Take us, and the next morning, it’s Showtime! And we’re berry-flavored, yum!”

A.) I do not want my morning to begin with Showtime. Especially if it means the show might begin while I’m still in bed.

B.) It always makes me think of Pete Davidson’s video about weed gummies, “Youuuu should not have eaten meeee….”

C.) Yum!

MORE CRAZY REPUBLICAN STUFF

I may have posted this before, but I sure can’t find where I did, so…

Vivek Ramaswamy said that he will fire all government employees whose Social Security number ends in an odd number (another 11-year-old kid’s proposal). As it happens, Rom’s and mine end with even numbers–the same even number, in fact–COULD IT BE A CONSPIRACY? Sure, everything else is.

I AM A RADICAL CENTRIST, HEAR ME SAY SOMETHING IN A MODERATE AND REASONABLE TONE

Let’s offend the Left next! How about if we choose university professors/administrators/students based on ability, not on whether they are members of a “marginalized group”? Hmm? Taking the forbidden thought further–while there’s nothing wrong with diversity, it is not a good in and of itself. It depends on the intentions and results. Give everyone a chance, but don’t block anyone else in order to do so. OOH, CANCEL ME NOW!!! (Disclaimer: I am not important enough to be canceled. Or cancelled. Not sure how that goes. Obviously, I did not attend an Ivy League university.)

I Am A Cannibal

My title is not some cheap attempt to get people to click on it (but it worked, didn’t it?), but just fair warning that, in looking back on old posts, I found some entertaining, mainly work-related things that I’d forgotten about, and I plan to re-post them on occasion. It’s my content, I can cannibalize it if I want to.

But I may have to go pretty far to the Dark Side to keep up with today’s political discourse. Republican candidates in particular have been talking about “slitting throats,” “putting heads on stakes,” etc. And this makes us better than our enemies how, exactly? Vivek Ramaswamy said he would “go unrestrained chainsaw on Day One,” and then said, of course, that he was “speaking figuratively.” These people sure are doing a lot on Day One. OK….

…If elected, I will, on Day One, figuratively tear out their guts with my bare hands! Then figuratively stomp on them! Then figuratively set them on fire! And figuratively laugh!

I don’t have to drink to write, but it helps.

COSMETIC NEWS

Trexa noted that my nail polish color was called “Wicked,” while hers was called “Ladylike.” But after wearing Wicked for Halloween, I switched to one called Forever Yummy. I don’t know why red would be any yummier than other colors. Their website describes it as “a clear tango red,” and I don’t know what that means, either. My favorite nail color is what Cosmo once derided as “passe` Dragon Lady red,” which would make a better color name than Forever Yummy. Of course, any nail color that’s not a pun gets my vote, because punning is apparently the convention for them these days.

IN OTHER NEWS

You gotta love the internet (notice that people don’t capitalize it anymore? The novelty has worn off!), which gave us an article on “Is it OK to pee in the shower? Experts weigh in.” The verdict was “pretty much OK,” and they then gave us instructions:

1. Before stepping in the shower, think about whether you need to pee or not.
2. If you forgot Step 1 and the urge strikes when you’re already in there, rate the urge from 1 to 3. If 3, go ahead and pee, by whatever method you choose. If 1 or 2, utilize deep breathing or other techniques to enable you to hold it.

Isn’t it good we have experts to tell us this? I’d never have figured it out on my own.

Speaking of which, isn’t it cute that we have euphemisms? I saw a news story about a woman who pulled down her pants on an airplane mid-flight, and, as the airline spokeswoman delicately put it, “used the bathroom.” Even though the point was that she wasn’t using the bathroom.

“Did you know that blogs that post frequently have more traffic?” WordPress asks, unnecessarily. They’ll be telling me how to pee next.

Here I Am, Rock You Like a Hurrican…

…as they say it. The song also says, “So what’s so wrong ’bout a night of sin?” Um, the sin?

I HAVE HALF AN HOUR AND I’M DRUNK, SO I’LL POST

…was my alternative title.

Some other-than-Trump presidential candidate got booed for saying educational and other bills are for Democrats, and other citizens, as well as Republicans. So you think only Republicans should be educated? Shame on you. But speaking of education, let me try it…

“They’re politicizing the justice system.” NO, THEY’RE NOT, AND EVEN IF THEY WERE, YOU STARTED IT WITH “LOCK HER UP!!”

“It’s a 2-tiered system of justice.” YEAH, IN WHICH A RICH GUY GETS TO BE OUT WITHOUT EVEN PAYMENT OF BOND, INSTEAD OF JAILED AWAITING TRIAL BECAUSE HE ATTEMPTED TO INTIMIDATE WITNESSES AND PROSECUTORS.

“This should be decided at the ballot box, not in court.” YEAH, WE TRIED THAT, AND YOU TRIED TO UNDO IT AND BROKE INTO THE CAPITOL BECAUSE YOU LOST.

Apart from that, if you’re going to give everyone a nickname, and think that substitutes for reasoned argument, at least let the nicknames be clever. “Deranged Jack Smith”? “Crooked Joe Biden”? “Lil” whatever? (And why are rappers always “Lil whatever” these days? Running out of ideas?)

Y’ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND, UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE–

Y’all are leaving me no choice but to …

RE-START MY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN!

Y’all may remember I “suspended” it, as they say, basically because I got bored. But now there is a desperate need! Because I said so!

DO I NEED POLICY PROPOSALS? APPARENTLY NOT!

I need only merchandise, and a slogan, and a V.P. candidate, in the person of my beast, I mean friend, Nick. Behold his platey hide, sharp teeth, and bat-like wings! He can fill the jobs of Vice-President and Secret Service, and requires only chunks of raw meat in return! Think of the savings to taxpayers!

A SLOGAN, YOU SAY?

My slogan is “It Could Be Worse.” But, you say, that can’t be reduced to an acronym, like MAGA! (which Trump has a way of appending to things , like some sort of ejaculation). It’s ICBW! ICKBEW! The T-shirts will be ready as soon as you send me some money. Also Sour Neon Crawlers shirts, and shirts saying “I’m Not F. Scott Fitzgerald,” like my creative writing professor told me once. We’re all not F. Scott Fitzgerald! ICKBEW!

Consumer Reports

No, not that one, though I do subscribe to it.

Copy on package of HoneyPot feminine wipes: “I suffered from bacterial vaginosis for 8 weeks, until an ancestor appeared in a dream and told me to create this product.” You mean we could have had feminine wipes generations ago?

Kroger is thinking about going to all self-checkout, as is Dollar General, and the latter plans to use technology that will only let you pay with a smartphone, so I will have to stop shopping at the $ General down the street. Stores are going all-in on this, EVEN THOUGH CUSTOMERS HATE IT AND IT INCREASES THEFT. They say, “More people are using self-checkout than the regular kind!” THAT’S BECAUSE YOU NO LONGER STAFF THE REGULAR CHECKOUT LINES.

Donald Trump hates to be called “Mr. Trump,” and makes people at his clubs call him “President Trump.” It makes me wish he were here right now, so I could not call him that. Also, he keeps saying “MAGA!” at the end of his posts. It is silly. Also, he posted, “IF YOU COME AFTER ME, I AM COMING AFTER YOU!” You just go ahead and try that. I am younger than you and smarter. And I won’t call you President Trump, because you’re not President. MAGA!

Hey, FanBase!

WordPress is being draggy, as if even it can’t believe I’m back.

If you know me, and you surely must, you know that I usually come slinking back with some promise that I’ll Post Something Every Day From Now On Because Today Is A New Year, or some such melodramatic statement. I now promise nothing, but here I am anyway.

MILDLY AMUSING ADVENTURES

Sign on a house on W. Virginia Street: “TRUMP RETURNS IN 2022.” As Foxy Lady said, “Maybe they meant his tax returns.”

Sign on the jewelry store across from Walmart: “SALE EXTENDED THROUGH FEBRUARY 2018!”

CRISIS IN PROGRESS

I bet you thought you’d never see a C.I.P. entry once I retired! I am merely using the opportunity to note that 2 former co-workers said they wished I would come back. They say this because they are delirious with overtime because of short-staffing. So anyone who thinks they’d be a good 911 dispatcher, check it out! I personally think all my in-laws would be good, and I have many.

LEAST FAVORITE COMMERCIAL

The one where the woman is floating downstream and says, “Welcome to my gut!” So she’s sailing down her own intestine, and complaining about the turbulence she encounters. Then a man shows up–how’d he get in there?! Never mind, I think I know.

THE SHADOW WARRIOR

Cat Carson wants you to know, after the post I devoted to her sister Jessie (the Gray Alien), that she herself RULES THE NIGHT, as evidenced by the noise she makes after dark jumping up and down on the floor as if she were on a trampoline. I’ve watched her–if there is no toy in the vicinity, she attacks the pattern on the floor. And then races away at top speed. Don’t tell her I didn’t give her an entire post, as I did her sister.

Well, this is all the post you’re going to get, because the caps-lock key is sticky (I suspect the Coke that Cat Jessie knocked over with her powerful tail yesterday) and I can’t function without the ability to lock caps.

Where Were You When the Plague Came?

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

If being forced to resort to store-brand toilet paper is the worst that comes of this, all is well for my household.

You would think that we would all unite about a politically-indifferent infectious disease, but no–the right says “It’s media-hyped hysteria!” and the left says, “We’re all gonna die!” Of course, Trump will probably use it to suspend the elections. <—CONSPIRACY ALERT!

Overheard at McDonald’s: “He talked too much about stabbing people to keep working here.”

Overseen at the bus stop: An empty bottle of Calvin Klein Eternity cologne for men sitting on the bench, with puddles of cologne beside it. There’s got to be a story there, but I don’t know what it is.

I AM SUSPENDING MY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, BECAUSE HEY, EVERYONE ELSE IS.

Notice that everyone just “suspends” their campaign now, instead of admitting they’re ending it? It’s like we never declare war anymore, and never call anything a “depression.”