Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: Valentine’s Day

Better Work Habits

Remember those? I don’t, either.

I have been home with a cold, and feeling diseased and gross. I used up an entire box of tissues (DISCLAIMER: one of the smaller cube-shaped ones) (with roses on it!) (OK, I BOUGHT OUT WALGREEN’S ENTIRE SUPPLY OF THOSE, ALRIGHT??)  in a day and a half.

Secret Santa at work gave me a fuzzy throw, decorated (in a rather macabre fashion) with cat heads, and it is the WORLD’S SOFTEST THING. So sometimes I sit there just feeling it. Yes, I have a Security Blanket, and woe to the one who attempts to take it from me.

MY APOLOGY TO THE BUS SERVICE

–Their new changes are only half as annoying as I portrayed them to be. Further details are too boring to present here.

PINK & RED ALL OVER

Valentine stuff has been spotted at Area Drugstores. It has been at Walmart since December, I’ve been told, but Walmart is evil and I don’t go there. Aside from their corporate policies, any place with aisles higher than my head needs to be no bigger than Walgreens, or it makes me nervous.

AND SPEAKING OF MY NERVES…

I was thinking of all the people who’ve said (over the past 30 years), “I could never work at 911! I couldn’t handle the stress!” After all the jobs I couldn’t handle the stress of, why am I still here?

You know what I’ve found most stressful about the job? In the early 90’s, they decided we would benefit from training with/observing other agencies. So we had frequent “field trips”–to the ambulance service, firehouse, the new jail, basically anyplace they could think of. (Luckily, the visit to the morgue was optional, although the visit of the Crime Scene tech with grisly color pictures was NOT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THE WORDS “CRIME SCENE IN-SERVICE” STILL FILL ME WITH HORROR.) I thought, What ever happened to the job I agreed to, where I go to the place and just stay there until I leave?

Now, I don’t handle unfamiliar settings very well. (Yeah, I know, how can they become familiar if I don’t embrace new experiences, etc.) So, while I was supposed to be absorbing new information, I would be sweaty-palmed and queasy, thinking about how far away from home I was. And mandatory police ride-alongs were the ultimate “state of frozen horror,” as Nick so eloquently puts it.

I’ve actually become better about that whole thing with the years, but this was back before I’d developed any coping mechanisms. But even now, talk of road trips–travel generally, in fact–or variations in planned itinerary, or TOO MUCH itinerary (you know, “While we’re across town, why don’t we stop at That Other Place, too?”)  makes me uneasy.

So, do you feel like you understand me now? Neither do I. Understand myself, I mean.

 

 

Why I’ll Win the Lottery

I saw an article about how winning the lottery usually ruins people’s lives. I thought I better find out why before buying a Powerball ticket.

  1. You end up blowing it on stupid self-destructive stuff, like a drug habit.
  2. You end up blowing it on “friends” who magically appear when you win it.
  3. Nothing in your life from here on can ever compare to the day you won the lottery.
  4. ACK THIS COMPUTER IS IN AUTOMATIC LIST-MAKING MODE HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP
  5. OK APPARENTLY I’M STUCK WITH IT SO
  6. I just won’t acquire any drug habits I don’t already have, which at the moment is none.
  7. I won’t acquire any new friends, either.
  8. I will hire Nick as my bodyguard to prevent anyone else from befriending me.
  9. Your life from here on is a letdown? That could happen with any good thing in your life, like, Nothing in my life can compare to the day of my wedding, or the day I won the Nobel Prize, or the day I crushed all my enemies.
  10. HOW MANY NUMBERS IS THIS DAMN THING GOING TO COUNT UP TO ANYWAY
  11. Naturally, Valentine’s stuff is in the stores already. I noticed a couple places don’t call it Valentine’s, but call it the Pink and Red department. I guess they found out that Valentine was a Christian saint.
  12. I’M SERIOUS, EVERY TIME I HIT RETURN IT DOES THIS AUTOMATICALLY
  13. Apparently word has gotten around that a teddy bear with a heart in it is the loser’s default gift. So CVS thought they’d class it up by offering a glass figurine of a teddy bear with a heart in it. At 2 for $10, you can get one for both of your baby mamas.
  14. My secret admirer could also get me a bunch of fake roses edged with scratchy glitter.
  15. Speaking of which, my Christmas present from Nick came in a gift bag encrusted with scratchy glitter, which promptly shed all over my carpet.
  16. I’m tired of my superpower of producing snot the color of emeralds.
  17. And my voice won’t let me get out more than 2 or 3 words–like “McChicken and small fries” or “Powerball ticket, please” without just stopping. It’s just Not There.
  18. OK, I didn’t actually say “please” in the above instance. Would you believe “please” was my first word? So my mother told me. (“And you’ve never said it since,” says Rom.)
  19. I HATE NUMBERS
  20. EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT WIN THE LOTTERY

Reporting Live From Crazy Town

…brought to you by a person who was singing “Psycho Killer” at the bus stop. (The Doors’ “Universal Mind” is another favorite for this purpose.)

CLICK BAIT IN THE TRUEST SENSE

How could you not click on the headline “Charles Manson Breaks Engagement; Fiancee Only Wanted His Corpse”? She planned to display it and charge admission, apparently. I think they should get married–it’s a match made in heaven! Or some place that starts with an H, anyway.

IN RELATED NEWS…

How could you find any news related to that, you wonder? By stalking other people’s Facebook posts! It is not, either, stealing. At any rate (to use one of Rom’s favorite expressions), there is an online store that offers accessories made of HUMAN LEATHER. Quite the conversation starter! Or ender.

The Facebook post I stalked was that of the Tragically-Hip One, whom I would like to congratulate on completing 18 successful years of employment here! I remember her mother, with whom I also worked (and her sister–apparently her family was some type of dispatcher-breeding facility) saying, “Nikki, she’s a…free spirit.” (“Why am I being written about by someone who doesn’t say a word to me when we pass in the hallway?” Nikki wonders. Because that’s how it works in Crazy Town!)

IT’S VALENTINE’S SEASON, SO IT MUST BE TIME FOR…

–Personal lubricant on sale at Walgreen’s!

–Body wash that promises “12-hour fragrance release when you rub your skin!” I actually bought this product (how could I not? it was rose-scented!), and will report back when I test it on my days off. (In case it smells so great that I just sit there rubbing myself.)

–Radio commercial for a jewelry store: “We have diamond engagement rings from $500 up to…however far your love takes you! {Subtext: The more you love her, the more you’ll spend!} Or, if you just want to express your affection, we have a variety of heart-shaped jewelry!” (Subtext: If you want to express your affection, but don’t want to marry her. As the old Knack song says, “I don’t wanna be your boyfriend forever–I just wanna touch!”)

“Thornton’s–your Valentine destination!” If you don’t even want to buy heart-shaped jewelry. The intermediate stage, of course, is the teddy bear with a heart on it. (Note to my secret admirer: My teddy bear should be white, since my actual childhood teddy bear was white. That must be why, to this day, the polar bear is my favorite bear.)

Speaking of my secret admirer, let us spare some sympathy for Ol’ Nick, who has been throwing up hairballs lately. It is unknown where he has been finding hair to swallow.

 

Bee My Basket Pound

Someone called 911 for a hangnail. Come to think of it, I’ve got an ingrown toenail that should be looked at.

WORLD LEADER EDICTS: VALENTINE’S DAY GUIDELINES

–Can we have an adult holiday for once? None of this “Grandson, Bee My Valentine” nonsense. The day should be about chocolates and roses and massage oil. Hey, it’s too cold to come out from under the covers anyway.

–Valentine presents to avoid include: A.) a stuffed bear with a heart on it, and B.) a fake rose from a convenience store. If you find yourself at a convenience store doing your Valentine’s Day shopping, I recommend the giant Reese cup heart. In fact, I’m craving one right now.

–Not to give anyone ideas, but why doesn’t Valentine’s Day include Frosty the Snowman? The weather is the same.

–A lottery ticket is a good addition to a pre-existing gift, but never give a lottery ticket as the only gift. Because the odds are that they’ll get…nothing.

I don’t think they do it anymore, but I used to enjoy reading the Valentine classified ads in the paper, and laughing at people’s pet names for each other, which were, of course, sillier than the ones Rom and I employ. I was struck in particular by how many couples stated, “You’re my Basket Pound.” I had no idea this was a common endearment. For that matter, what the hell does it mean? A basset hound for the illiterate?

WORD OF THE DAY

sulled-up (derivation: Rom, via his northern Florida relatives): sullen, surly, as in, “You don’t have to get all sulled-up about it.”

 

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