Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: insects

Crisis In Progress Returns

…as had to happen eventually. “Why is my leg bothering me?” I wondered at one point. Oh, right, I have a dog bite. That’s another reason cats are better than dogs–a cat would not run out and bite me because I walked by on the sidewalk while it was standing in the yard.

A co-worker asked a caller, “What is he wearing?” Everyone else in the room yelled, “Khakis!” Such are the times we live in.

“A black truck with flames painted on the front hit a sign.” That’s what they do.

A large black beetle dropped from the ceiling, landed on my console with a combination thud and click which I found highly unsettling, and scuttled away. I can only hope it did not find its way into my backpack.

 

MILDLY AMUSING ADVENTURES–OTHER PEOPLES’ PHONE CALLS I OVERHEARD

–From a guy at McDonald’s who looked about 12 years old: “What if I worked at this McDonald’s? Then what would you do?”

–From a gray-haired woman pushing a stroller up Wabash Ave.–“There’s no reason why my psychology grade wouldn’t be an A.”

Seems to be a lot of self-righteousness going around.

THE FASHION POLICE HAVE BEEN NOTIFIED

I bought quick-dry pants for commutes on rainy days. They are navy blue and have so many pockets that I worry about being mistaken for an officer from the waist down.

AND CONGRATS TO MY COLLEAGUE KMILES, WHO WILL BE RETIRING IN A MONTH! Even though she’s younger and newer than I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 7: The Search For the Forgotten Title

know I thought of one earlier–what could it be?

WACKY FUN ON 1ST SHIFT

“Caller found what appears to be a human limb in the alley.” It turned out to be a deer limb.

“Caller reports seeing a man wearing sunglasses write something that wasn’t in English on a bus stop bench.” She called back to report that he wrote it in red (apparently thinking red would cause a quicker response time than other colors). The responding officer reported, “There was something written on the bench, but I couldn’t read what it was.” Well, of course you couldn’t! It wasn’t in English!

THANKSGIVING EVE FOLLIES

According to Channel 14, the night before Thanksgiving has become “the biggest party night of the year,” which is saying quite a lot. If so, it’s only in the past year, since this is the first I’ve heard of it, and I am a regular consumer of Channel 14 news.

Last night I dreamed my house was overrun by big pinchy bugs. Hey, that would have made a good title!

S.G.’S 7TH POST–3/19/13: Theater of Cruelty with the Infamous Nick

I refer to him as a beast for the first time, but do not elaborate on his bestial qualities. I accuse him of misspelling “abominable,” and he accuses me of patronizing him.

Hey, would any of you pay money to see him and me get drunk? Just a thought. (“And not a good one,” he growls.)

 

Prodded With a Sharp Stick

The computer says “Suggested Sites: Add New Post–Scratchy Glitter,” so I feel obliged.

Responses are coming in for the Party of a Lifetime~

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world!”–L.K.

“I feel honored to be invited.”–T.R.

“I wouldn’t dare miss it.”–N.C.

What to wear, what to wear? It must make me look super-cool, yet be comfortable when I’m nervous, yet not be destroyed if I spill my drink on it. Similar to the Fall Festival wardrobe requirements, come to think of it.

–You know that hearing-test kind of noise you get in your ear sometimes? I read that it means that a cell in your ear is dying. At the rate I’ve been having those lately, I will have to retire early due to deafness.

“My name is–WHAT?–my name is–WHO? Slim Shady!”

CRISIS IN PROGRESS–HEARD AND OVERHEARD

–“Next time your landlord walks into your apartment naked, you should call the police.”

…and…

Her: “My ex-husband has my wedding ring, and the police need to go and take it from him and put it in safekeeping.”

Me: “Ma’am, they can’t do that.”

Her: “But they have to, because it’s got a really bad curse on it.”

The curse turned out to be that anyone who puts it on becomes a serial killer.

Speaking of curses, may one be upon a Certain Person for thinking she could buy Nick’s love (or whatever it is that he feels) with tacos. It can only be bought with chocolate.

A CALL I’VE HAD COUNTLESS TIMES

“I want the police to make someone leave my apartment.”

“Do they live there?”

“They’ve been…staying here.”

“Then it’s considered their residence, and the police can’t make them leave. They’ll have to be evicted.”

“But they’re not on the lease.” Check!

“Does your landlord know you’ve been letting someone stay there who’s not on the lease?” And Mate! Especially when they realize the landlord is the one who’ll have to file eviction proceedings.

The “They’ve been staying here” argument is similar to the invariable answer to “How do you know the people at this address are doing drugs?” The answer is always, “I just know.”

 

MYSTERIES OF MARKETING

McDonald’s has trademarked “Mickey D’s.” What’s next, trademarking “Tar-jay”? And speaking of which, how exactly does “Mickey D’s Sweet Tea” differ from just tea that you put sugar in?

AN ARTICLE YOU DON’T WANT TO READ

“Insights Into the Saliva of the Brown Marmolated Stink Bug.” And why was I googling that? You don’t want to know that, either.

 

 

 

 

Putting Cornmeal Mush On Cockroaches

Someone, who shall remain nameless because he gets too much attention here already, thought I needed to expand upon the previous post. I actually intended to do so, but it was time to go to bed. OK, it was time to go listen to Tom Petty’s live album.

Someone else expressed a desire for links to the 2 stories referred to. I realize posting links is a basic skill which a blogger could be reasonably expected to have. After all, that’s why we call it the World Wide Web, and not the World Wide Abyss of Unrelated Information and Pointless Bile. But let me just point out that when we got our current software at work in 2003, the instructor assumed that everyone already had a computer at home, and did not realize she’d have to teach me the basics of Windows as well. (She also did not realize that I’d had to put a beloved cat down the night before, and was not in the best condition to absorb new information.) At any rate, let me try this:

http://mentalfloss.com/article/61517/study-claims-show-cockroaches-have-distinct-personalities

..and hope it works for the finished product.

Two things come to mind:

–Does running away from the light at different speeds really constitute a “personality”?

–Someone had to spend their workday (or, more likely, unpaid-intern-day) attaching transmitters to cockroaches.

As for the anti-fungal properties of cornmeal mush when applied to toes, I got the story from the Evansville Courier & Press, and may I just observe that their search function seems to suck, so no link is forthcoming, even theoretically.

One thing comes to mind:

–What’s more gross than toenails with fungus?

–Toenails with fungus and cornmeal mush on them!

The above story is dedicated to A Certain Person, and now everyone will think she has toenail fungus. Probably caused by chronic wearing of Crocs.

Hey, maybe if one applied cockroaches to one’s toes, they’d eat the fungus! Or at least eat the cornmeal mush.

OK, now I’ve grossed myself out and have to go.

I Am a Vampire

..according to a test on the Internet. I’m glad we have the Internet to decide such things for us. I’d been wondering what my nocturnal habits and lust for blood signified.

Nick refused to take this test, “because,” Rom said, “he’s afraid he’ll turn out to be a unicorn.”

“He only said that because I have long eyelashes,” Nick fumes. “I’m not a unicorn, am I?” he asks, laying his scaly head in my lap.

“Unicorns only lay their heads in the laps of virgins,” I assure him.

“Can I have a stinger on the end of my tail?”

“You may not. The barbs are problematic enough.”

“Can I set explosive charges under your porch?”

“I have it on good authority that you’re not allowed to handle explosive materials.” I make a mental note to keep an eye on the porch, though, because he is prone to burrowing.

DID YOU KNOW?

–that termites eat each other’s poop? In spite of (or perhaps because of) this, they also spend a lot of time cleaning themselves.

THIS JUST IN

Fiona, who, as we know, is three, told Rom that she was attacked by a witch, a shark, a Sharptooth (a/k/a T. Rex), and a big bad wolf, all on the same day. It is unknown at this time whether these attacks occurred simultaneously or sequentially.

Sign on empty lot: “Will Build to Suit.” I’m tempted to call the number and say, “You’ll build to suit? I’d like a trapezoid, painted bright blue.”

The house at the bus stop closest to my house has been TP’d. It’s the worst job of TPing I have ever seen. Two lackluster strands hang from the two trees, and then they gave up and just piled the rest of it on the lawn. Considering that these people never clean litter out of their yard, it will be interesting to observe how long it takes toilet paper to biodegrade in a natural setting.

“Can I TP your house?” Nick asks. Sigh.

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