Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: education

I Have Flat-Lined

Well, my statistics have, anyway. Apparently people will go away if you ignore them. Well, except that one lonely reader on the 29th. Stalker. No, I can’t tell who you are. Relax.

I FORGOT MORE THAN YOU’LL EVER KNOW

Prepare to be appalled–if you’re not, you’re PART OF THE PROBLEM.

Three teenagers were sitting in a booth at McDonald’s, two guys and a girl. One of the guys mentioned Joan of Arc. The girl said, “Who’s that?” He answered, “A female who led soldiers in the Middle Ages.” The girl said, “Well, I didn’t learn about princesses. That’s fairy-tale shit.” Um, no, that’s not a fairy tale. That’s what we call “history,” which means it ACTUALLY HAPPENED. (Also, Joan of Arc was pretty much the opposite of a princess.) Of course, maybe they don’t teach history in high school anymore. They’ve been told not to teach entire novels anymore, so I take nothing for granted.

RAGING AGAINST THE NEW NORMAL

Speaking of which, I hate “the new normal.” The term is always used when something sucks, and they’re telling you there’s nothing you, or anybody, can do about it, which is puzzling, considering that the suckage is usually caused by, you know, people.

OR JUST PLAIN RAGING

The other day, I heard an officer on an off-channel say that I was “jacked-up.” I then proceeded to prove him right by fuming about it to my co-workers for the next ten minutes. Oddly, I was also once referred to as “laid-back” by a different colleague.

AND SPEAKING OF MOOD SWINGS…

Remember I quoted from an article the other day about losing weight by avoiding stress, and avoiding stress by using mint/lavender/vanilla fragrances? I found a candle at Walgreen’s that combines them all (in separate layers, lest confusion reign)! If I can’t resist purchasing it, I’ll be sure to let you know how much weight I lost as a result!

CONFUSION REIGNS ANYWAY

CVS started putting out Halloween decorations BEFORE IT WAS EVEN SEPTEMBER, and my early favorite is various animal skellingtons–cats, rats, crows, etc. (Actually, I don’t think there is an “etcetera.” I think you’re limited to cats, rats, and crows.) There are also a couple of Evil Clown statuettes (the Evil Clown being a role model of mine), but I don’t know if they were actually for sale, or just standing guard over the cats, rats, and crows.

I AM A LOOSE CANNON

The next time a caller complains about unsatisfactory response time, insufficient manpower, etc., I may not be able to resist saying, “It’s because of all the people voting for property tax caps.” (I did not, before you ask.) I probably will be able to resist saying it, though, because I have awesome powers of self-control.

Harsh Sarcasm

…a trait Rom says Nick and I share. (Don’t worry about Nick–bleeding always stops eventually, one way or another.)

OTHER PEOPLE’S CRISES

I saw a woman on the news who had gotten shot because she tried a tug-of-war with the robber who wanted her purse. “And I had my granddaughter with me, and she’s just 7 months old!” In that case, how about GIVING THE MAN YOUR PURSE, so he could run away without shooting anyone? She then said, “I’m gonna go looking for him after I get out of the hospital.” Be sure to let us know how that works out for you.

I DON’T HAVE AN EDUCATION DEGREE (or any other degree, for that matter) BUT…

I have it on good authority that our local school district is now forbidding high school teachers from assigning entire novels. They are to teach only a representative excerpt of each, so that, I suppose, the kids’ll understand the reference when the book comes up in conversation at the high-paying job they’ve snagged because they weren’t wasting their time on literature. Hey, why teach fiction at all? It’s not, you know, real. But, if you’re going to insist, here are…

SELECTED EXCERPTS OF VARIOUS BOOKS

“1984”: Only teach the first sentence, about the clock striking thirteen. I used to think that was the coolest thing–what a marvelous touch of absurdity!–until I learned it was just military time, in which I am, as it happens, well-versed now that I work from 1500-2300. Don’t bother with the rest of the book, it’s depressing.

“Tom Sawyer”: The best part is when Tom lets a beetle with big horns loose in church. Or maybe it’s in school.

“Huckleberry Finn”: I recommend avoiding this one entirely, since it’s full of slavery references, and no one understands satire anymore.

“Atlas Shrugged”: Avoid any paragraph more than a page long. Especially if it starts with quotation marks.

“The Great Gatsby”: The only thing you need to know is that Gatsby has wild parties and looks like Leonardo DiCaprio.

“Anna Karenina/Madame Bovary”: These are interchangeable, since the point of both is that adultery isn’t really worth the trouble. But you’ll probably want to avoid the one where the main character has a gross death from arsenic poisoning and then her body lies around for too long.

“A Farewell to Arms” (or whichever one is about the Spanish Civil War): Avoid the sex scenes. For that matter, avoid the war scenes.

“Red Badge of Courage”: has a surprise appearance by a dead guy. Could be a plus or a minus, depending on whether you think that’s cool or gross.

All Stephen King novels: Avoid any epilogue. Especially the one where the evil clown turns out to really be a giant spider.

Clive Barker novels: AVOID. AVOID. AVOID. They will give you nightmares that will drive you insane. It happened to me.

Hmm. I seem to be mostly telling you what not to read. How about…

–the historical fantasy novel Rom is working on: The battle scenes from the Crusade will be compelling, I’m sure. Even though I’m not a fan of war stories. Hope you don’t feel pressured or anything.

–the futuristic dystopian novel I’ve been toying with since, uh, 1968…Well, that one you’ll just have to read in its entirety. If we all live that long.

Dear Nick, thank you for the police escort from the bus stop. I felt much safer than I would have if I hadn’t  had a car driving around me in circles.

 

 

Crisis in Progress: Not Serious Journalism

02.24.12-Blowing Snow

02.24.12-Blowing Snow (Photo credit: kristinefull)

It was blowing snow and rain, and I had to walk more than a mile to work. So I arrived at work a sodden wreck, predisposed toward the sort of behavior I’ll have to mention in confession tomorrow. Dry it up? I wish.

Assorted highlights (or sordid highlights, whichever you prefer):

–A big WELCOME BACK!  to Darling Nicky (not to be confused with Tragically-Hip Nikki), who is finished playing with helicopters and is now playing cop once again.

–Someone called to report “a strong smell of pneumonia” coming from a residence.

–This month’s training material deals with “Dispatch Center Personalities” and “Morale.” I can hardly wait to dig into those, and I may review them here when I’ve done so. Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach; those who can’t even teach, write reviews.

–Just because I write “giving the finger” on a run card doesn’t mean you have to read it that way on the air, but please feel free to do so. (Refer back to the sort of behavior I was predisposed to, paragraph 1.)

–Oh, and we had a homicide. Since this is Not Serious Journalism, I will just mention in passing that, thanks to a witness who actually cooperated with the officers, both suspects were quickly caught.

 

 

Mildly Amusing Adventures: Everybody’s Traffic

Traffic light button

Traffic light button (Photo credit: martintom)

In my effort to educate and inform, I call you all together, so sit down and shut up. Laurie, stop visiting with your neighbor. (Do teachers still say that? It was the formal version of “talking to the kid at the next desk.”) Nick, stop running around the room pretending you’re an airplane. NOW. Remember, bad boys get spanked.

**writing EVERYBODY’S TRAFFIC on old-timey green chalkboard**

You know how you go somewhere and when you get there, you complain about the traffic? “The traffic was terrible. All these people thought they had to be out on the road today.” Well, YOU WERE ONE OF THEM! “The roads are full of idiots/maniacs/@$$holes, they drive me crazy!” Well, didn’t you just tell us *you* were speeding/honking your horn at someone, etc.? So, you were someone else’s annoying traffic experience. Your Humble Narrator and other pedestrians are also Traffic in this sense. That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, that’s me jaywalking. In front of a squad car. (They waved.)

The principle of Everybody’s Traffic works in all sorts of social situations. You have to go to a holiday dinner with your annoying and/or boring relatives? You may be someone else’s source of boredom or annoyance. (Hell, I might be boring and/or annoying my relatives at this moment! I know I was a bossy big sister.)

Remembering that everyone is someone else’s Traffic has helped me at least try to be a little less annoying. If I have to call a business for something, I try not to be the sort of caller I’d hate to get at work. (So far I have managed not to scream at anyone, but I haven’t always managed to suppress the Heavy Sigh, which I hate to hear from anyone else.)

I imagine by now you all are so tired of being lectured you’re ready to, oh, I don’t know, hit me over the head with something. So I will leave you with 2 observations unrelated to the above:

–Not Annoying: Tanya, thanks for the ride, and the helpful beverage management, since I apparently can’t handle a Thornton’s drink and a seatbelt at the same time.

–Not Boring: Rabecca, on said ride, I noticed a pair of shoes thrown over a wire, I forget exactly where. Remember when we read/heard that means you can buy drugs in that area? And we wondered how do you find the drugs, or let someone know you want to buy them? That probably explains the guy standing on the corner in a high-crime area.

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