Huh, What?!

What year would be complete without me resolving to post more frequently? Especially since the odd 1-3 people have been checking in every day to see if I have. I don’t know if they found what they were looking for, or what, in fact, that was.

THE JOY OF DISCOVERY

I was at Subway, my current favorite fast-food place (EAT FRESH OR DIE!), and a small child was discovering that, if you hold a piece of thin-sliced ham up to the window, the sun shines through it.

NOUN-AS-VERB DESTRUCTION

“The smart way to business.”

I am just glad this practice hasn’t gotten popular outside of advertising.

MORE INSANITY

“You have thousands of pictures on your phone. Use our app and get your favorites made into a framed picture you can hang on your wall!”

Objections abound:

–If you have thousands of pictures on your phone, you take too many pictures.

–We had CAMERAS that took a picture that you could HANG ON YOUR WALL, so stop acting like this is some amazing new idea.

OK, objections didn’t exactly abound.

FASHION INFLATION

I read an article claiming, “Pantyhose are not pants!” Anyone remember my lost cause, “Leggings are not pants!”? Next they’ll be saying, “Panties are not pants!” And finally, “Your bare buttocks are not pants!” And they’ll be derided as old-fashioned and dowdy for saying that.

DEATHLY WEARINESS

“Marjorie Taylor Greene Mentions Bill Clinton’s Epstein Connection, Ignores Trump’s.”

Because….I dunno. I will only note that, in my scheme of things, nobody gets three names. I don’t make everyone call me Firstname Middlename-or-Maidenname Lastname, and you shouldn’t either. And your hyphen, if any, will not save you. {Disclaimer: My Facebook profile does indeed include my maiden name, which was in the hope that relatives from that side of the family would find me, and they did! I still don’t expect anyone to call me that.}

Dictator for a Day

Trump says he will only be a dictator on Day 1, so he can “build a wall and drill, drill, drill.” The policy proposal of an 11-year-old. “And I’ll throw my enemies in jail, but first I’ll have my friends beat them up! And a big crowd–the biggest crowd ever–will laugh and cheer and say, “Yay, do that!!!” And then I’ll get into my gold-plated plane full of McDonalds and fly to Florida, where I’ll sit on my gold-plated toilet!! MAGA!!!!”

Speaking of drilling and drilling and drilling, has it occurred to any of these Friends of Coal and Oil that, whether or not you believe in climate change, we’ll eventually run out of those things?

HUH?

“Liquid I.V. Powder.”

A.) A powder is not a liquid.

B.) An I.V., on the other hand, is a liquid.

C.) Why?

And also, “Super Beets Heart Chews!”

A.) Why would anyone want beets?

B.) Chewing on a heart, ew.

C.) Sounds like something Dwight on The Office would sell.

And furthermore,

“Laxative Gummies! Take us, and the next morning, it’s Showtime! And we’re berry-flavored, yum!”

A.) I do not want my morning to begin with Showtime. Especially if it means the show might begin while I’m still in bed.

B.) It always makes me think of Pete Davidson’s video about weed gummies, “Youuuu should not have eaten meeee….”

C.) Yum!

MORE CRAZY REPUBLICAN STUFF

I may have posted this before, but I sure can’t find where I did, so…

Vivek Ramaswamy said that he will fire all government employees whose Social Security number ends in an odd number (another 11-year-old kid’s proposal). As it happens, Rom’s and mine end with even numbers–the same even number, in fact–COULD IT BE A CONSPIRACY? Sure, everything else is.

I AM A RADICAL CENTRIST, HEAR ME SAY SOMETHING IN A MODERATE AND REASONABLE TONE

Let’s offend the Left next! How about if we choose university professors/administrators/students based on ability, not on whether they are members of a “marginalized group”? Hmm? Taking the forbidden thought further–while there’s nothing wrong with diversity, it is not a good in and of itself. It depends on the intentions and results. Give everyone a chance, but don’t block anyone else in order to do so. OOH, CANCEL ME NOW!!! (Disclaimer: I am not important enough to be canceled. Or cancelled. Not sure how that goes. Obviously, I did not attend an Ivy League university.)

I Am A Cannibal

My title is not some cheap attempt to get people to click on it (but it worked, didn’t it?), but just fair warning that, in looking back on old posts, I found some entertaining, mainly work-related things that I’d forgotten about, and I plan to re-post them on occasion. It’s my content, I can cannibalize it if I want to.

But I may have to go pretty far to the Dark Side to keep up with today’s political discourse. Republican candidates in particular have been talking about “slitting throats,” “putting heads on stakes,” etc. And this makes us better than our enemies how, exactly? Vivek Ramaswamy said he would “go unrestrained chainsaw on Day One,” and then said, of course, that he was “speaking figuratively.” These people sure are doing a lot on Day One. OK….

…If elected, I will, on Day One, figuratively tear out their guts with my bare hands! Then figuratively stomp on them! Then figuratively set them on fire! And figuratively laugh!

I don’t have to drink to write, but it helps.

COSMETIC NEWS

Trexa noted that my nail polish color was called “Wicked,” while hers was called “Ladylike.” But after wearing Wicked for Halloween, I switched to one called Forever Yummy. I don’t know why red would be any yummier than other colors. Their website describes it as “a clear tango red,” and I don’t know what that means, either. My favorite nail color is what Cosmo once derided as “passe` Dragon Lady red,” which would make a better color name than Forever Yummy. Of course, any nail color that’s not a pun gets my vote, because punning is apparently the convention for them these days.

IN OTHER NEWS

You gotta love the internet (notice that people don’t capitalize it anymore? The novelty has worn off!), which gave us an article on “Is it OK to pee in the shower? Experts weigh in.” The verdict was “pretty much OK,” and they then gave us instructions:

1. Before stepping in the shower, think about whether you need to pee or not.
2. If you forgot Step 1 and the urge strikes when you’re already in there, rate the urge from 1 to 3. If 3, go ahead and pee, by whatever method you choose. If 1 or 2, utilize deep breathing or other techniques to enable you to hold it.

Isn’t it good we have experts to tell us this? I’d never have figured it out on my own.

Speaking of which, isn’t it cute that we have euphemisms? I saw a news story about a woman who pulled down her pants on an airplane mid-flight, and, as the airline spokeswoman delicately put it, “used the bathroom.” Even though the point was that she wasn’t using the bathroom.

“Did you know that blogs that post frequently have more traffic?” WordPress asks, unnecessarily. They’ll be telling me how to pee next.

I’m Just an Old Karen With a Cobra Tattoo

…and troubled by whether to capitalize “with” or not.

I also have, for Halloween, a black top, orange pants (they called it “Russet Brown” but it looks orange to me), snake pin, spider ring (I love spiders and snakes, unlike the old song), and black nail polish (they called it dark red, but it looks black to me). Long-time readers will not be surprised to know that I didn’t have to buy anything especially for the occasion, but had these items already on hand. Long-time readers were surprised to know that this is the first time I’ve worn black nail polish. I tend to be old-fashioned and think nails should be lipstick colors like pink. red. coral, etc., not gray, green, or yellow. But anything for art!

I had no trick-or-treaters except Nick, who showed up a day late (and a dollar short? who knows?) to reassure me that he still liked me after I accidentally blocked him on my phone. (“I did not!” he objects. “I showed up because you said there’d be candy!”)

MORE ADVERTISING I OBJECT TO

There is a never-ending supply, to quote the Ramones.

“Age on your own terms.” If it were really on my own terms, I would have no wrinkles and be able to eat whatever I wanted and however much I wanted without gaining weight or indigestion. In other words, I wouldn’t age at all.

An ever-growing category–ads with fake cuss words.

“Fish yeah!”

“I put that * on everything!”

“Holy shirt!”

My objection is not the George Carlin objection, that we should stop being coy and just use the actual words, but the Old Karen objection, that we need less cussing in the world, not more.

LYRIC CRITICISM

The lyrics of Ted Nugent leave much to be desired:

“Sweet Sally, she’s a friend of mine

Sweet Sally likes it double-time

Sweet Sally likes it all the time!

Sweet Sally, she’s a friend of mine.”

This friendship seems to lack depth. Also, could this be the same Sally referenced by Eric Clapton?

“Lay down, Sally, and rest here in my arms

Don’t you know you need someone to talk to?

Lay down, Sally, and rest here in my arms

I’ve been trying all night long just to talk to you.”

If I were Sally, I’d say, “Is there any reason we can’t have this conversation sitting up?”

Is There Anybody Out There?

…Just nod if you can hear me, is there anybody home?” is what I wanted to sing into the microphone (and I grew up spelling it “mike,” and don’t know why we think it’s now spelled “mic”) when someone on the air would ask me for a sound check. But instead of singing Pink Floyd, I would just do what everyone did and say “5-4-3-2-1.” A colleague once said that when someone said, “Gimme a short count,” we should just say “1”. I don’t remember who that colleague was, but I never had the nerve to do that, either. And it would have been safe to do it, because I could always claim the equipment cut me off.

A little girl at the convenience store asked me, “Are you homeless?” I think it was because I walked up, instead of driving up, which should lead us to examine the nature of our society, but won’t.

Earlier this week, I *walked* into the Thornton’s restroom, went into a stall because the door was ajar, and witnessed a woman’s entire butt (well, except what Saturday Night Live called “the worst part” of the butt). She was in the process of pulling up her pants, but(t) hadn’t quite gotten there yet. I can only hope she didn’t know I was there, and I didn’t see her face, so we should be OK.

So who says I don’t lead an interesting life?

Commercial for a nutritional supplement–“Contains active mushrooms.” As opposed to the ones just sitting there in our yard. Or the over-active ones that poison you. They also say, “Contains adaptogens!” Whatever they are. I need something to help me adapt, but the stuff is green and gross-looking, so I’ll just have to remain set in my ways.

MY INTERESTING LIFE, CONTINUED

I was standing at the bus stop, and a woman standing behind me exclaimed, “Girl, you’re between my legs right now!” I glanced (OK, I might have glared) back, because that’s a weird thing to hear from someone standing behind you. Turns out she’d almost dropped her phone, but caught it between her knees. Then she said to her friend on the phone, “This old Karen just looked at me! Old people walking down the street and looking!” How dare they.

WARNING! WARNING!

McDonald’s has decided to “class themselves up” and now cook all their burgers with onions. (The class level of this should be obvious by the fact that White Castle has always done the same.) This means that even if you order your burger plain, as I do, it will taste oniony. Eww! So McDonald’s and I have parted ways.

Is there anybody out there?

Here I Am, Rock You Like a Hurrican…

…as they say it. The song also says, “So what’s so wrong ’bout a night of sin?” Um, the sin?

I HAVE HALF AN HOUR AND I’M DRUNK, SO I’LL POST

…was my alternative title.

Some other-than-Trump presidential candidate got booed for saying educational and other bills are for Democrats, and other citizens, as well as Republicans. So you think only Republicans should be educated? Shame on you. But speaking of education, let me try it…

“They’re politicizing the justice system.” NO, THEY’RE NOT, AND EVEN IF THEY WERE, YOU STARTED IT WITH “LOCK HER UP!!”

“It’s a 2-tiered system of justice.” YEAH, IN WHICH A RICH GUY GETS TO BE OUT WITHOUT EVEN PAYMENT OF BOND, INSTEAD OF JAILED AWAITING TRIAL BECAUSE HE ATTEMPTED TO INTIMIDATE WITNESSES AND PROSECUTORS.

“This should be decided at the ballot box, not in court.” YEAH, WE TRIED THAT, AND YOU TRIED TO UNDO IT AND BROKE INTO THE CAPITOL BECAUSE YOU LOST.

Apart from that, if you’re going to give everyone a nickname, and think that substitutes for reasoned argument, at least let the nicknames be clever. “Deranged Jack Smith”? “Crooked Joe Biden”? “Lil” whatever? (And why are rappers always “Lil whatever” these days? Running out of ideas?)

Y’ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND, UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE–

Y’all are leaving me no choice but to …

RE-START MY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN!

Y’all may remember I “suspended” it, as they say, basically because I got bored. But now there is a desperate need! Because I said so!

DO I NEED POLICY PROPOSALS? APPARENTLY NOT!

I need only merchandise, and a slogan, and a V.P. candidate, in the person of my beast, I mean friend, Nick. Behold his platey hide, sharp teeth, and bat-like wings! He can fill the jobs of Vice-President and Secret Service, and requires only chunks of raw meat in return! Think of the savings to taxpayers!

A SLOGAN, YOU SAY?

My slogan is “It Could Be Worse.” But, you say, that can’t be reduced to an acronym, like MAGA! (which Trump has a way of appending to things , like some sort of ejaculation). It’s ICBW! ICKBEW! The T-shirts will be ready as soon as you send me some money. Also Sour Neon Crawlers shirts, and shirts saying “I’m Not F. Scott Fitzgerald,” like my creative writing professor told me once. We’re all not F. Scott Fitzgerald! ICKBEW!

Consumer Reports

No, not that one, though I do subscribe to it.

Copy on package of HoneyPot feminine wipes: “I suffered from bacterial vaginosis for 8 weeks, until an ancestor appeared in a dream and told me to create this product.” You mean we could have had feminine wipes generations ago?

Kroger is thinking about going to all self-checkout, as is Dollar General, and the latter plans to use technology that will only let you pay with a smartphone, so I will have to stop shopping at the $ General down the street. Stores are going all-in on this, EVEN THOUGH CUSTOMERS HATE IT AND IT INCREASES THEFT. They say, “More people are using self-checkout than the regular kind!” THAT’S BECAUSE YOU NO LONGER STAFF THE REGULAR CHECKOUT LINES.

Donald Trump hates to be called “Mr. Trump,” and makes people at his clubs call him “President Trump.” It makes me wish he were here right now, so I could not call him that. Also, he keeps saying “MAGA!” at the end of his posts. It is silly. Also, he posted, “IF YOU COME AFTER ME, I AM COMING AFTER YOU!” You just go ahead and try that. I am younger than you and smarter. And I won’t call you President Trump, because you’re not President. MAGA!

Write! Write! Write!

Hey, there’s a prompt at the top of the screen that says so, and I always follow directions.

THE DAY THE LANGUAGE DIED

To go back to a topic of the previous post (and why not?), I think the noun-as-verb thing is the most annoying grammatical trend to me, for reasons I can’t pinpoint.

“The best way to summer!”

“This is your best way to healthcare.” I try to calm myself by saying maybe they meant “TO healthcare,” as in a signpost pointing in that direction, but I fear that ain’t so.

“Angi it!” I think they changed the name of Angie’s List just so they could do that. Why they took off the “I,” I don’t know.

Believe it or not, I am troubled by the suspicion that some of you think I am overly pedantic and rule-bound (because maybe that implies I am Not Creative, a primal fear of mine), but I can’t stop it.

HERE WE ARE NOW, ENTERTAIN US

Thanks to the people who mysteriously investigated the blog over the past few days. I am in the awkward position of being interested in perfume, so perfume people sometimes come over here, then other people are bored because I write about perfume on occasion, BUT I WON’T START ANOTHER BLOG JUST TO REVIEW PERFUME, BECAUSE I DON’T SAMPLE OFTEN ENOUGH TO MAKE IT WORTHWHILE, OK??

Ahem.

CRISIS IN PROGRESS IN PROGRESS

NBC News recently had something about the critical staffing shortage of 911 centers. My center was fully-staffed for 2 1/2 weeks in the late 90’s. High stress, all the overtime you can eat, lack of respect…well, at least it’s an interesting job.

DISCLAIMER: I TEND TO SOUND FLIPPANT AND UNCARING WHEN I ADDRESS THIS TOPIC, AND…BUT…I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

Helpful WordPress question–“Do I Need a Website, a Blog, or a Website with a Blog?” I NEED YOU TO STOP COMPLICATING THINGS, KTHNXBYE!!

Private Security

My husband’s “workshop” out back (which has been compared to the Unabomber’s place by more than one person) is regularly besieged by invasive stink bugs, as indeed everything is at this time of year. His daughter presented him with a sign for the door that says ‘THIS PREMISE PROTECTED BY A TRAINED STINK BUG.”

My favorite part of this is that it’s “a” trained stink bug, as if only one was necessary, or indeed possible. Questions abound:

What is the training process? What are the criteria to choose a particular stink bug for this training? How long does it last? (I mean the individual bug, not the training. Of course any worthwhile training would last the life of the bug.) Are males more aggressive than females and therefore more suitable for guard duty? How do you tell males from females anyway? Would it be best to raise the bug from an egg (and eggs have been spotted on those premises, in neat little rows on a glass bottle), or get one from a reputable breeder? Are there competitions, involving agility, etc.? What if The Enemy were to deploy a trained spider, to entangle the tactical stink bug in its web?

Each of these questions could be a blog post in itself, and would be, in a perfect world. Of course, if the world were perfect, there would be no invasive stink bugs (or “shield bugs,” as they prefer to be called), so the question is moot. More moot questions coming up!

OTHER FANTASTIC BEASTS, GRUBLIN EDITION

Cat Carson, a/k/a The Darkness, a/k/a the Shadow Warrior, a/k/a the Goblin, a/k/a “the feral one” (what they called her at the shelter), has now taken to CURLING UP AGAINST ME in bed. It’s only taken a little over a year. Today she actually tried to get her sister Cat Jessie, a/k/a the Gray Alien, a/k/a the Grub (or the Grub of Utterness), a/k/a Sparky, a/k/a Is Potato, to play with her, a move which is almost certain to get her More than She Bargained For, because Jessie is All-Out All the Time. Stop me before I capitalize again.

WordPress says, “Write a message for your audience here.” in a little box at the side. I’m sorry, isn’t that what I was doing?

S.G. Is 10 Years Old for Some Reason

And it says something about this blog that it actually turned 10 years old back in February, but I just now realized it.

I haven’t posted for awhile for various reasons, which mostly amounted to me not feeling like it. So let’s give it another try.

CLOWNS ARE STILL TO THE LEFT OF ME, AND JOKERS REMAIN ON THE RIGHT

You know you’re a Radical Centrist when the Internet offers you political ads from both sides. I am annoyed with everyone half of the time, and eligible to receive death threats from both sides, because death threats are what we do now. Think about it–people now think those who disagree with their political opinions deserve to die. A pox upon both their houses! Oh, wait, then they might die.

ADVENTURES IN GRAMMAR AND ADVERTISING

Noun-as-verb department:

“A better way to summer.”

“Beauty responsibly.”

The death of the irregular past tense (brought to my attention by Rom):

“Someone shined a light on the situation.” SHONE.

“They kneeled for the National Anthem.” KNELT.

Non-issue department:

“Are you still bending over to put on your shoes? Live in the future!” You know, slip-on shoes have been around for as long as I can remember. It’s like men discovering YOU DON’T HAVE TO TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT! I can’t remember the last time I tucked in a shirt. Of course, I’m not a man, but I don’t see what difference that would make in this case. It would, however, reveal that I wear uncool elastic-waist pants. DEATH OF THE COOL–THE NEW ALBUM BY THE SOUR NEON CRAWLERS!* You know–the band I made up? Remember? Sigh. I really should post more often.

*”Birth of the Cool” was the name of a Miles Davis album.

***********************This marks the first time I’ve used the asterisk key on this computer! I am too pleased by this.***********************************