Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Category: Consider the Source

User’s Guide 2.0

Brought to you by Redd’s Apple Ale–now in cans for my convenience! Ooh, the pull tab is red–how exciting! It’s not quite cold yet, but I’m carrying on bravely anyway. And I have a new can cozy, which I paid 99 of my own cents for, because the one I got from my stepdaughter (by saying, “Are you going to use this?”) is wearing out under the strain of too many cans of Diet 7-Up.

Yeah, I’m on vacation again, hence the apple ale.

It occurs to me that I can indeed offer useful information for new readers, by repeating/refreshing the old information. So here goes:

HISTORY

I like to say I invented the blog, which causes people to raise their eyebrows and edge away slowly. S.G.. was originally an e-mail sent out to a dozen or so co-workers beginning in 1990, when we were going through a stressful (made extra-stressful by bad management) transition time at work. You can find an account of that buried somewhere deep in the archives. I know I’m supposed to link to it, but I can’t figure out how to do that, which is something you’ll get used to after awhile. This publication was eventually transferred to the Internet, where it has a readership of, oh, about the same as it had back then.

CATEGORIES & SUBCATEGORIES, ALIVE ALIVE-OH

You can, I’m pretty sure, click on these and get posts that feature the type of material you’re seeking (or the type you’re seeking to avoid, like if you’re sick of reading about Nick. I must caution you, however, that many posts fit into more than one category, so your avoidance may be incomplete.)

CRISIS IN PROGRESS: Stories of the bizarre and infuriating from the world of 911. The title derives from a button I saw at a truck stop, on the way to a mandatory training session. No, the session was not held at a truck stop. It would have been less boring if it had been.

SUBCATEGORY–CONSIDER THE SOURCE

I often forget to use this. Work-related misinformation.

SUBCATEGORY–RUMOR CENTRAL SEZ

They used to always keep things hush-hush, because “We don’t want rumors to get started”–unaware of the fact that THEY GET STARTED ANYWAY. Caution when perusing this section–sometimes I start them myself.

SUBCATEGORY–THEATER OF CRUELTY

Material dealing with the aforementioned Nick the Beast, a member of the police department and licensed to tase and stuff. He started life as a dispatcher, and was so impressed with me when I trained him (an experience I have absolutely no memory of), that he set himself to befriending me by the time-tested method of Cornering & Pestering, and I’ve been making him pay for it ever since.

FANBASE FOLLIES: Material about you, the readers. Whether callous neglect or feverish up-sucking, my temperament is to believe in extremes, as R.E.M. says.

LET’S GET SERIOUS: Just what it says. I’m outraged, or at least indignant, about something, and you need to know.

MILDLY AMUSING ADVENTURES: My daily life outside of work, about which some people care, for some reason. I have many opinions, and you have to read them all here. Otherwise you’d never know, since I don’t talk.

SOCIAL PAGE: Again, just what it says. Reviews of any social event I’ve been invited to. These are few and far between.

STAB FROM THE PAST: Past history (um, what other kind is there?).

WORLD LEADER PRETEND: The title is another theft from R.E.M. What I’d do if I ruled the world.

SUBCATEGORY–CONSPIRACY NEWS

In a world of countless conspiracy theories, I add my own. This one has the advantage of being completely made up. As World Leader, I battle my nemeses the Baby Corn (in the spring/summer) and the Dancing Union Suit (fall/winter), with the aid of my faithful companion, reader, and former co-worker the Foxy Lady, who actually came up with these entities.(Not only do I make stuff up, I steal a lot.)

I’m thinking of adding a new category, WATCH OUT–I’M DRUNK!, which is, again, self-explanatory, although that won’t stop me from attempting to explain it.

OK, tune in at sometime in the future for ACTUAL CONTENT! Although I can’t guarantee I won’t wander back here when I’ve finished this can of ale. Off to try nail-polishing under the influence–try this only at home!

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Spiders & Dead Bodies

Severe Mental Illness

Severe Mental Illness (Photo credit: homelesshub)

–That’s what Nick said our ridealong would consist of–“Nothing but spiders and dead bodies.” I’ll be staying in the squad car, then. Perhaps I’ll teach myself to drive.

I know one way not to drive–we received a report of a guy driving and sticking his arms out of the car windows. Oddly, this apparently caused him to swerve.

Speaking of vehicles, we also received a report of a stolen “Corn Pro” trailer. I’m guessing it was stolen by professional corn. And what would corn need a trailer for? I’m guessing it would be loaded with spiders and dead bodies. Dead corn bodies, one hopes. Baby corn bodies, and lots of them–after all, the growing season is over.

Theoretically, I am not insane. But we received a report (sensing a theme here?) from a woman who identified herself as “dangerously mentally ill.” She said, “I heard an ad on the radio for the dangerously mentally ill, and figured if I was going to be mentally ill, I might as well be dangerously mentally ill.” Seems like sound reasoning to me. She offered as proof of danger that she had shot someone in the arm, shot someone else in the elevator and dropped a bunch of guns in there, and had stabbed her husband previously, but never got in trouble for it. No evidence of any of these acts was found, but that’s where the “mentally ill” part comes in.

WILL DO TRICKS FOR FOOD!

I didn’t say turn tricks. Calm down.

A certain beast, Nick by name, offered to obtain food for us tonight. On the way with same, he sent me a message, saying, “Check the cameras. Do you see me?” I’m not playing your silly game, I thought, so I just got up and opened the back door, but there was no one there. “Tell me what you see,” he insisted, so I grumpily got up again–after all, my food was being held hostage in the hands of a madman–and looked at the camera, reporting, with some irritation, that I still saw nothing. He responded, “That must mean I’m not there yet.” So, dear co-workers who were busier than I was at that moment (I was between car-vs.-deer accidents at the time), that is why I kept jumping up and down like a jack-in-the-box, which I understand is good for my health.

He came in, all eager to be praised for his cleverness, or smacked for his insolence–just generally desperate for attention of any kind –but he was sent empty away, because I’m never good at thinking up stuff on the spur of the moment.

My fortune cookie was an actual fortune! How often does that happen?:

–“You are about to receive a big compliment.”  I’m still waiting.

“Dead Spider Bodies”–a great name for a rock band!

May I just observe that, if one includes the words “dead bodies” in a blog post, some of the suggested illustrations are very disturbing.

 

Festival Follies–Day 1

We have begun our local Fall Festival, which I read somewhere is the 2nd biggest street fair in the country after Mardi Gras. Although, since ours lasts 6 days, I don’t know if that’s a fair comparison.

Poem on back of bus seat:

“Woop woop

Keep goin’ down

Whoop whoop

Evil clown”

So that’s who’s behind the epidemic of clownin’.

 

First call from drunk guy:

“I gave my friend $20 to get me a pack of cigarettes, and it’s been 20 minutes and he’s not back yet!” I explained that this wasn’t really a police matter, so he hung up, and a few minutes later I got…

Second call from drunk guy:

“I took a nap on my porch, and my friend took a $20 bill out of my pocket.”

Clown.

Clown. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I Am the Carpet Queen, I Can Do Anything

carpet store kitty

carpet store kitty (Photo credit: Kate Raynes-Goldie)

Remember my prophetic powers connected with the new carpet in the Franklin professional building? Of course you do! Anyway, when I got back to work, I thought, They ought to change the carpet in here, too. It’s light-colored and covered with stains of unknown origin. Well, GUESS WHAT? New carpet in progress, and so dark that it would hide bloodstains! Not that there’d ever be any, you understand. No, really. Anyway, what I’m getting at is, my powers are apparently limitless, as long as they have something to do with carpet. So come to me with all your carpet-related requests and concerns. And bring cash.

…and speaking of cash, I had an adventure on the way to work today. Remember the time I forgot my drink at Phillips, and Nick saved the day? (Don’t say “as usual,” Nick, that’s so unbecoming.) Well, of course you do! This time, I forgot to zip my backpack pocket back up after replacing my billfold. I didn’t discover this until I got to Marx BBQ, which is almost to work. So I had to go rushing back downhill, scanning the sidewalk all the way, and went charging back into Phillips, where the clerk happily informed me that a guy had found it on the lot and turned it in, and she knew it was me right away from my I.D. card, which is disheartening, because it’s a very unflattering picture. I pried it open, and all was intact–the cash Rom had gotten at the ATM today, my ATM card, and everything. So a big Scratchy Glitter THANK YOU to the honest man who found it (who is, I am sure, a regular reader here, as all good people should be), and to the clerk as well. She probably gets paid minimum wage, and it would have been easy to help herself to a couple bills and then claim it was that way when she got it. (And what does it say about me that the possibility occurred to me, even though I’d never actually do it?) And it’s not like it’s the first time I forgot to zip that sucker back up. And it’s not like I think, What the hell, live dangerously. (I never think that.) I’m always thinking, One of these days you’re going to lose your billfold, and then what? Proof that you don’t need an advanced degree, or indeed any degree, to be an absent-minded professor.

Now that I’ve proven my fitness to comment on just about anything (especially carpet), let’s move on to

CRISIS IN PROGRESS SPECIAL ALL-CAPS STORM EDITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…which is what I was going to write about before all that unpleasantness transpired.

As I keep reminding you, I’ve been here a long time. And we used to be able to have a storm without getting a whole bunch of calls of drivers stuck in high water who needed to be rescued. Why is that? I asked myself. And I answered myself, it’s because WE DIDN’T HAVE CELL PHONES, SO EVERY FOOL WHO TRIED TO DRIVE THROUGH THE WATER, PLUS EVERY PERSON WHO SEES THEM, COULD CALL IN TO SAVE THEM FROM THEIR OWN FOOLISHNESS. {See, I was a fool in the previous paragraph, and I didn’t call 911! Because it’s full of people who would laugh at me.} And, like cell phone hangups, WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? WHY IS THERE A NEVER-ENDING SUPPLY OF PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT, UNLIKE OTHERS, THEY ARE ABLE TO DRIVE THROUGH HIGH WATER WITHOUT INCIDENT? And then, adding the proverbial insult to the proverbial injury, we get calls of “You need to get barricades out here, people keep trying to drive through the water.” Leaving aside the fact that the water often goes back down by the time barricades can get there, why do we then have, “You need to get someone out here, people are moving the barricades”? WHY DO YOU THINK THE BARRICADES ARE THERE? DO YOU FIGURE THEY DON’T APPLY TO YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR MAGICAL POWERS IN YOUR ENCHANTED VEHICLE? And then we get, “You need an officer out here to direct traffic. The traffic lights are out and there’s going to be a wreck.” IT’S A 4-WAY STOP THEN, PEOPLE! I KNOW THAT, AND I DON’T EVEN DRIVE!

OK, that’s all the ranting a FanBase should be expected to put up with.

One of the crazy people who call in here regularly just called and said, “Since the government is shut down, I”m stepping in. I have territory in Arizona that I’ll deed to the U.S. government.” This information was filed in the Consider the Source category.

Dear colleagues, if Nick comes pounding on the door, don’t let him in. Something about me calling him a liar, you don’t need to know the details. And the carpet hasn’t been changed in this room yet, so, you know, we don’t want to make a mess.

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