Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: Fireworks

Live-Blogging: 4th of July on Reitz Hill

AT 1555

Well, the foot of the hill, at any rate. Time for our annual holiday BBQ! After shoveling dead beetles out of the front windowsill in expectation of guests, it’s on to personal preparation–I am wearing “Gunmetal Gray” eyeshadow, in honor of all the gunpowder that will be deployed tonight (not by us, I hasten to add), and “Watermelon Pink” lipstick, in honor of watermelon.

Rom bashed his hand with a sledgehammer, so that’s out of the way.

We have been preparing to the soundtrack of WABX radio: “EVANSVILLE’S ONLY CLASSIC ROCK STATION! AND CLASSIC CALL LETTERS!” No, sorry, they’re not. And I know whereof I speak, since my stepfather was a radio DJ, and worked at many stations. WLS/Chicago is classic. WABX can’t even be made into a cutesy slogan.

Ad on the said WABX: “For job-training, text JOB–that’s J-O-B–to…” As Rom said, if you have to be told how to spell “job,” you don’t have much of a future.

Most of the radio ads today are telling us to use their products responsibly. Because who could imagine setting off fireworks while drunk might cause a problem?

“Rock and roll never forgets”–Bob Seger

My version: “Rock and roll never forgives.”

Rom’s version: “Rock and roll can’t even remember.”

Kiss wants us to Rock and Roll All Night and Party Every Day. I don’t believe that’s a sustainable way of life.

In other music news, Yes continues to suck.

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Um, why set off fireworks during the day? Obviously your World Leader needs to work on regulations for this area, or at least go glare at the people up on the Reitz lot.

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Water balloons have been brought. But no one would dare throw one at me, right?

AT 1719

I’d already consumed my supply of apple ale (brought by Nick previously in exchange for a garage door opener battery, because he is too feeble to open a garage) for this vacation, so Sister Elizabeth let me have one of hers! Hurray! I’ve already been transgressive by eating Doritos scoops BY THEMSELVES, without salsa, because salsa looks like puke.

AT 1906

Almost all our guests have gone. 2 praying mantises were spotted–size, small and smaller. Small children were told you shouldn’t whack a set of wind chimes JUST AS HARD AS YOU CAN, thank you very much.

For the record, I was not one of the people who daintily cut a chunk of meat into thirds and only put part of it on their plate. I was all in.

I managed to avoid spilling said meat in my lap.

BONUS OBSERVATION, SINCE I FORGOT TO PUBLISH THIS POST YESTERDAY:

Crisis in Progress, Really?! division:

I am not the person to yell at if you dislike the fireworks laws.

–“It’s legal? Even if it sets my house on fire?” Actually, even if it did set your house on fire, that would not retroactively make it illegal. Another woman, having been told by my colleague 911SK that it was legal until 11:30 through July 9th (WHY?), said, “I want officers to drive through my neighborhood and make them think it’s illegal.” She actually thought that was her right as a taxpayer.

 

 

 

 

July 4th Follies

Yeah, it’s two days later, but it’s not like I’m under contract or anything.

RED, BLACK AND BLUE

Because I didn’t have any white garments available, my outfit consisted of black U.S.A. t-shirt, blue crop pants, and red socks. “But, World Leader,” they say, “doesn’t wearing socks kind of cancel out the coolness of crop pants?” Yeah, but I hate the look/feel of shoes without socks, so what else can I do? “Wear sandals?” they offer timidly. I will take this suggestion under advisement for next year.

FIREWORKS: THREAT OR MENACE?

Why do people bring their own fireworks TO A FIREWORKS DISPLAY? I have to say, I was scandalized to come here and find out that non-professionals can buy their own fireworks. Not to sound Big City or anything, but it makes us seem kind of redneck. Especially with the houses catching on fire and all.

Speaking of which, the paper felt compelled to mention that you shouldn’t drag a lit grill behind your vehicle. “Why would you?” comes to mind. Perhaps someone could answer that for us. See, I don’t have all the answers after all.

THIS JUST IN

More details have come to light on the temporary murder of Bingo Pingo. Turns out that he was standing on a log, and a witch came up behind him and pushed him. But wouldn’t you think that a witch could use spells, rather than the primitive and risky method of pushing someone off a log? For that matter, what about the deaths of Honn-Ghost and Fronn-Ghost? They’re ghosts–weren’t they already, by definition, dead? Mysteries abound.

CORRECTION

Because I believe in responsible journalism, I must state that the color scheme of the women’s restroom at Thornton’s is, like that of the men’s room, tan and brown. But a different shade of tan and brown.

BECAUSE I CAN’T RESIST A DARE…

Rom and I were talking about Martin Luther’s “95 Theses” (it only came up in passing) (AMATEUR THEOLOGIANS, UNITE!), and he said he thinks I could come up with 95 World Leader edicts. I told him I doubted I had that many in me, but he assured me I was mistaken. So perhaps I’ll get started on that, but I’ll have to work on it in fits and starts (I have a fit, then I start), in between my other important projects.

Time to go eat more pink cupcakes.

It’s the End of the World As We Know It, Yet Again

New Year's Eve

New Year’s Eve (Photo credit: besighyawn)

I can’t go to bed yet, it’s only 2:30! Let’s see what I have to say.

Did you spend New Year’s Eve at home?

Yes. You know you’re getting old when your peers no longer have New Year’s Eve parties.

Then why didn’t you host one yourself?

Are you serious?

Did you set off any fireworks in your back yard at midnight?

No. I did fire a gun once, but that was years ago.

Would you care to elaborate?

No.

–Are there any other things you think we should know about?

Yes. I mean, no, I don’t think you should know about them.

–So you’re actually a more interesting person than your quiet demeanor would lead us to expect?

Yes, but that’s kind of the purpose of this blog, now, isn’t it?

What kind of attitude is that to start a new year with?

Next question.

What is your favorite color?

Blue.

But didn’t you used to tell us it was black?

Yes, but I was just trying to shock you.

But didn’t you say at the time that you weren’t just trying to shock us?

I was lying.

But isn’t lying wrong?

No, because I was lying to myself as well.

What else have you lied to yourself about?

Don’t get me started.

We have plenty of time.

No, I need to go to bed now.

It’s only 2:47.

I need to get ready for bed! What is this, an interrogation?

No, you didn’t have any ideas for a post, so you decided to just sit down at the keyboard and see what happened.

And aren’t you glad I did? (Don’t all rush to answer that.) As David Letterman once said, “There’s no ‘OFF’ on the genius switch!” And as R.E.M. once said, “Give me a minute and I’ll tell you the setup of the worst joke ever…”

It’s 2:55. K…..THNX…..BYE.

 

Let’s Get Serious: Wrong

Small Consumer Firework on the 4th of July

Small Consumer Firework on the 4th of July (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When exactly did it become a constitutional right to shoot off fireworks? Is there some amendment I missed? Last night, Foxy’s husband, who is a police officer and a gentleman in the best sense of both words, was assaulted while directing traffic after the 4th of July festivities by some people who thought they had a right to block said traffic, and a right to throw fireworks at those who objected, and that the police had no right to stop them. And, to add insult to injury (literally), the sizable crowd witnessing this did nothing to stop it. So, freedom’s just another word for doing whatever the hell you want, and the hell with everyone else.

OK, enough of that, because thinking about it just makes me angry. Let us speculate on something somewhat lighter, but also having to do with rights and obligations. Namely: how are Dispatch call-ins affected by the rise of cell phones? (By the way, I plan on dealing with the effects of cell phones at greater length in a future post. “Thanks for the warning,” they say, sensing another lecture approaching.)

Some years back, the question came up in contract negotiations–Are we obligated to give Them our cell phone numbers for the purpose of overtime call-ins, in addition to our home numbers? At that time, the union said this was the equivalent of being on call, and would require additional compensation (a/k/a “more money”). The current rule is that we only have to give Them our cell # if that’s our only phone, which happens to be true in my case. (I knew it was time to get rid of the land line when I saw Rom get out his cell to call for pizza, ALTHOUGH HE WAS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO OUR LAND LINE PHONE AT THE TIME.) This raises a question…

I was at Thornton’s this afternoon when I received a voice mail. Seeing that it was from work, and that it was shortly after 3pm, and that I was (I thought) on vacation, I had a moment of panic. When exactly did my vacation end? Not today, surely? I’d checked it last night, but I am, after all, fallible. There was no problem, it turned out, just a routine question, but it got me wondering. Suppose it had been an overtime call-in. Since the only phone I have enables Them to reach me anywhere, am I required to respond, no matter where I am when I get the call? Formerly, they could only reach me at home. If I wasn’t home, too bad. They do attempt to follow up by sending the officer working that beat to your house, to knock on the door and see if you’ll answer. (“Open up! This is the police!” is a great conversation starter.) In the Age of the Almighty Cell Phone, would they send the car in my beat (a certain Nick, with whom you may be familiar) to attempt to track me down at the places I regularly haunt? I could imagine a really awkward conversation taking place at Thornton’s. No, Nick, you are not authorized to take me into custody under those circumstances, although a ride to work would be appreciated.

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