Huh, What?!

What year would be complete without me resolving to post more frequently? Especially since the odd 1-3 people have been checking in every day to see if I have. I don’t know if they found what they were looking for, or what, in fact, that was.

THE JOY OF DISCOVERY

I was at Subway, my current favorite fast-food place (EAT FRESH OR DIE!), and a small child was discovering that, if you hold a piece of thin-sliced ham up to the window, the sun shines through it.

NOUN-AS-VERB DESTRUCTION

“The smart way to business.”

I am just glad this practice hasn’t gotten popular outside of advertising.

MORE INSANITY

“You have thousands of pictures on your phone. Use our app and get your favorites made into a framed picture you can hang on your wall!”

Objections abound:

–If you have thousands of pictures on your phone, you take too many pictures.

–We had CAMERAS that took a picture that you could HANG ON YOUR WALL, so stop acting like this is some amazing new idea.

OK, objections didn’t exactly abound.

FASHION INFLATION

I read an article claiming, “Pantyhose are not pants!” Anyone remember my lost cause, “Leggings are not pants!”? Next they’ll be saying, “Panties are not pants!” And finally, “Your bare buttocks are not pants!” And they’ll be derided as old-fashioned and dowdy for saying that.

DEATHLY WEARINESS

“Marjorie Taylor Greene Mentions Bill Clinton’s Epstein Connection, Ignores Trump’s.”

Because….I dunno. I will only note that, in my scheme of things, nobody gets three names. I don’t make everyone call me Firstname Middlename-or-Maidenname Lastname, and you shouldn’t either. And your hyphen, if any, will not save you. {Disclaimer: My Facebook profile does indeed include my maiden name, which was in the hope that relatives from that side of the family would find me, and they did! I still don’t expect anyone to call me that.}

Dictator for a Day

Trump says he will only be a dictator on Day 1, so he can “build a wall and drill, drill, drill.” The policy proposal of an 11-year-old. “And I’ll throw my enemies in jail, but first I’ll have my friends beat them up! And a big crowd–the biggest crowd ever–will laugh and cheer and say, “Yay, do that!!!” And then I’ll get into my gold-plated plane full of McDonalds and fly to Florida, where I’ll sit on my gold-plated toilet!! MAGA!!!!”

Speaking of drilling and drilling and drilling, has it occurred to any of these Friends of Coal and Oil that, whether or not you believe in climate change, we’ll eventually run out of those things?

HUH?

“Liquid I.V. Powder.”

A.) A powder is not a liquid.

B.) An I.V., on the other hand, is a liquid.

C.) Why?

And also, “Super Beets Heart Chews!”

A.) Why would anyone want beets?

B.) Chewing on a heart, ew.

C.) Sounds like something Dwight on The Office would sell.

And furthermore,

“Laxative Gummies! Take us, and the next morning, it’s Showtime! And we’re berry-flavored, yum!”

A.) I do not want my morning to begin with Showtime. Especially if it means the show might begin while I’m still in bed.

B.) It always makes me think of Pete Davidson’s video about weed gummies, “Youuuu should not have eaten meeee….”

C.) Yum!

MORE CRAZY REPUBLICAN STUFF

I may have posted this before, but I sure can’t find where I did, so…

Vivek Ramaswamy said that he will fire all government employees whose Social Security number ends in an odd number (another 11-year-old kid’s proposal). As it happens, Rom’s and mine end with even numbers–the same even number, in fact–COULD IT BE A CONSPIRACY? Sure, everything else is.

I AM A RADICAL CENTRIST, HEAR ME SAY SOMETHING IN A MODERATE AND REASONABLE TONE

Let’s offend the Left next! How about if we choose university professors/administrators/students based on ability, not on whether they are members of a “marginalized group”? Hmm? Taking the forbidden thought further–while there’s nothing wrong with diversity, it is not a good in and of itself. It depends on the intentions and results. Give everyone a chance, but don’t block anyone else in order to do so. OOH, CANCEL ME NOW!!! (Disclaimer: I am not important enough to be canceled. Or cancelled. Not sure how that goes. Obviously, I did not attend an Ivy League university.)

Playing Pool With the Devil

I dreamed I was playing pool with the Devil. He was the standard Mephistophelian tuxedo-clad Devil, and I asked him about what it was like being the Devil. In actual life, I can’t play pool.

I also dreamed I was back on the job, and got in trouble for something I wrote about it on this blog. The Director had my post printed out for the meeting, and I thought, Well, this is going to be embarrassing. I was awakened by Cat Jessie (“GET UP!! GET UP NOW!!! I HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!!”), before I found out what was to become of me.

In retrospect, it’s a bit odd that I was more distressed at talking to my boss than to the Devil. Of course, I don’t work for him.

CRITICISM OF PRODUCTS I USE ANYWAY

Dove body wash ad for their new packaging–“Change is beautiful!” Not if you also decrease the product size while we’re not looking.

Pepsi (Pepsi Zero RULES!!) talking about their new packaging–“We’re aiming for a bolder, more confident look. The old typeface was a little too diffident.” Well, weren’t you the ones who decided diffident was the right look before? I think they’re defensive because they’re the eternal runner-up.

I am “older than plastic” (as a co-worker memorably called me because I remember glass shampoo bottles–she said, “That doesn’t sound like a good idea,” but IT’S ALL WE HAD, OK?!), so I remember ye olde Pepsi slogans–“Come alive, you’re in the Pepsi generation!” and “Now it’s Pepsi–for those who think young.”

Disclaimer: Your Pepsi Generation narrator did not receive money from Unilever or PepsiCo for this post, because I don’t know how to monetize things.

P.S. Sign on convenience store door–BITCOIN ATM INSIDE. What does that even give you?

P.P.S. I hit Publish, and WordPress asked me if I wanted to use their AI assistant. Aaaiiieee! I am not a robot, go away! It’s to “verify the tone of your post before publishing.” I will let you all decide if I struck the right tone.

S.G. Is 10 Years Old for Some Reason

And it says something about this blog that it actually turned 10 years old back in February, but I just now realized it.

I haven’t posted for awhile for various reasons, which mostly amounted to me not feeling like it. So let’s give it another try.

CLOWNS ARE STILL TO THE LEFT OF ME, AND JOKERS REMAIN ON THE RIGHT

You know you’re a Radical Centrist when the Internet offers you political ads from both sides. I am annoyed with everyone half of the time, and eligible to receive death threats from both sides, because death threats are what we do now. Think about it–people now think those who disagree with their political opinions deserve to die. A pox upon both their houses! Oh, wait, then they might die.

ADVENTURES IN GRAMMAR AND ADVERTISING

Noun-as-verb department:

“A better way to summer.”

“Beauty responsibly.”

The death of the irregular past tense (brought to my attention by Rom):

“Someone shined a light on the situation.” SHONE.

“They kneeled for the National Anthem.” KNELT.

Non-issue department:

“Are you still bending over to put on your shoes? Live in the future!” You know, slip-on shoes have been around for as long as I can remember. It’s like men discovering YOU DON’T HAVE TO TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT! I can’t remember the last time I tucked in a shirt. Of course, I’m not a man, but I don’t see what difference that would make in this case. It would, however, reveal that I wear uncool elastic-waist pants. DEATH OF THE COOL–THE NEW ALBUM BY THE SOUR NEON CRAWLERS!* You know–the band I made up? Remember? Sigh. I really should post more often.

*”Birth of the Cool” was the name of a Miles Davis album.

***********************This marks the first time I’ve used the asterisk key on this computer! I am too pleased by this.***********************************

To Whom It Will Concern

Doesn’t that sound much more ominous than to whom it “may” concern? If I were in charge of anything, I would head all my communications this way. Oh wait, I do rule something–the world. It’s been so long, I’d forgotten.

Speaking of Facebook, from whom I stole my title–they gave me a bunch of cute little memory posts I’d made in the past, and I thought I’d just transfer them here! But now I can no longer find them, and the only one I remember is my observation that women can pee and tie their shoes at the same time, so you will have to be content with that. (“Can’t we find someone else to rule the world?” they ask. Yeah, try Kevin McCarthy! Hee hee.)

Ad on Google–“We Want New Writers. Submit to the Sun.” Yikes!

OVERHEARD ON THE BUS

There were parents with small children, and they kept the children occupied with song.

“OK, let’s sing–I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas!”

So the children sang that a couple hundred times, then they jazzed it up with “Let’s go through the vowel sounds!” Results as follows:

–I like to ate, ate, ate, aples and banaynays

–I like to eat, eat, eat, eeples and baneenees

–I like to oat, oat, oat, oaples and bononos

–I like to oot, oot, oot, ooples and bonoonoos

From there they moved on to

“If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!

If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet!

If you’re happy and you know it, shout your name!”

Altogether too much clapping and stomping to suit me. I am now wishing I had played “OK, let’s sing!” by treating them to “A Whiter Shade of Pale.”

CURRENT LEAST FAVORITE AD

“Apply our deodorant to armpits, underboob, groin folds and buttcrack!” I didn’t know I might have an odor problem under my boobs. Oh, wait–I don’t. Sure, that’s TMI, but they started it.

CURRENT MOST FAVORITE AD

The ones with the singing zombie CEO, even though I loathe their service and all it stands for–“The old way of working {with job security and benefits} is deader than me!” Then they all sing sepulchrally, THIS IS HOW WE WORK NOW! Congrats, you made the gig economy sound creepy, which it is. Cool song, though. Maybe I’ll sing it on the bus.

Experiments With Time Travel

Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

OK, I couldn’t tell this was a weird astrology clock until it was inserted and enlarged. I was merely looking for a weird clock, but ’tis enough, ’twill serve.

I had noted for some time that there is a button saying “Reprint a previous post,” and thought, Why would you do that? But sometimes I look through old posts and see old work-related stuff and think, I’d forgotten that! That was funny! Actually, usually it was just bizarre, but I thought it was funny. So I may start including some of those here. Hopefully there is some feature allowing me to insert a warning that it’s a rerun, to avoid confusion. As opposed to my more usual promoting confusion.

THERE’S NO PLEASING SOME PEOPLE

…by which I mean me.

Commercial jingle:

“I’ve been needing a break

And I’m thinking ’bout the weekend…” How original of you.

I am currently recovering from a cold, feeling gross and diseased. At these times, I always think of an ancient Egyptian inscription (as one does):

“Begone, thou cold, son of a cold

Fall out on the floor and stink, stink, stink!”

And why do they call it the “common cold”? Is there an uncommon kind?

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

Plunging boldly into politics…Why do the Trumpers in Congress complain that they couldn’t call witnesses during the investigatory phase–which is not the proper time to call witnesses–and then, when it gets to the Senate, which is the proper time, they don’t want any witnesses? And then they blame the Democrats for not having any witness testimony, when they were the ones who blocked said testimony? Just asking, but it sounds Kafkaesque.

VOTE FOR ME, I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO THE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS. OR TO IOWA, OR INDEED ANYWHERE.

SORT-OF-NEW PRODUCT NEWS

McDonalds’ drink lids now have uplifting slogans printed on them, such as “Drinking of You” (sounds like someone drove you to drink), “Thirst Stands No Chance,” “Jump for Joy” (make me!). Just think, someone has to come up with these, and can call themselves a professional writer. Of course, the tragic truth is that no one probably notices what’s written on their drink lid.

Disclaimer: I have intended to write about this topic since I first noticed it, oh, maybe last year, and have just now actually done so.\

 

 

 

Jellyfish, Leggings, Perpetual Motion

Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

When you type “science” into the Free Photo Library, a surprising number of jellyfish pictures come up. Maybe it’s related to that commercial for some type of supplement FOR YOUR BRAINNN, where they say, “based on an ingredient  commonly found in jellyfish!” Well, they are known for their intellectual abilities.

I was at McDonald’s, refilling my drink after picking up my dessert, and I overheard the employees talking–“Did that lady get her pumpkin pie?” “The older lady with glasses? Yeah, I just gave it to her.” So I am now THE OLDER LADY. Nothing like hearing it from people talking about you who don’t realize you can hear them. Rom said, “You could hear them–at least you’re not a deaf old lady.” Ageism has always struck me as the most stupid “ism” there is. You’ll never be black, or female, or whatever other group you think you’re superior to, but you will eventually be old. If everything works out for you.

In other news, I gave the guy at McD’s a $10 bill and 8 pennies for a $5.08 order yesterday, and he looked at me and said, “You gave me a ten dollar bill.” I said, “Yes, just give me five back.” He stared at me, then did as I suggested. Lest you think this sort of thing is limited to McDonald’s, I had the same thing happen at Taco John’s. Apparently the concept of giving change is foreign to the younger generation, because, hey, doesn’t everyone pay with a card? Or their phone? And it’s not like I’m a mathematical genius.

THE WAR ON PARTS OF SPEECH CONTINUES

“At Bayer, this is why we science.” If you’re scientists, you should be smart enough to know that “science” is not a verb.

“Panera’s Warm Grain Bowls are full of good.” GoodNESS. It’s goodNESS.

“This is how happy feels.” HappiNESS. Why is this so hard?

I should probably just give this issue up. Have you noticed I haven’t reminded you that leggings aren’t pants for awhile? {“You haven’t even posted for awhile,” they mutter.} When my dowdy-but-beloved Lands’ End (Serving Midwestern boomers since the 80’s!) features “Leggings for Every Body!” you know we’re doomed. Leggings are not really for every body. You just want to think they are.

Did you know that food commercials didn’t always have to feature the food in question being thrown through the air or through water? Drinks weren’t necessarily shown sloshing over the tops of their glasses, either. We seem to need perpetual motion. Even perfume bottles are often photographed as if the liquid is tilted or bubbling. I’m not sure what all this signifies, BUT IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING.

VOTE FOR ME! I WON’T SEND MY MINIONS TO STORM THE SECURE CONGRESSIONAL CHAMBER JUST BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE AN ACTUAL ARGUMENT TO OPPOSE THEM!

Ahem. When Rudy Giuliani responds to an argument by saying “Shh, shh, shh,” you know they got nuthin’.

 

 

 

Dear Diary…

Photo by Alena Koval on Pexels.com

…I’m not sure what the twigs in this photo would be used for.

DEATH & TAXES UPDATE

From the state Department of Revenue: “We calculate your refund this year as $55, not the $121 you stated on your return. If you wish to dispute this, you may use the enclosed envelope.”

1. If you already know how much it should be, what are you bothering me for?
2. No, I do not wish to dispute this. I wish to back away from you slowly. I know a dragon curled on a pile of gold when I see one.

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

I have been inundated with messages on “How To Be a Better Blogger!” If I was going to become a better blogger, I’d have done it by now.

ADVERTISING UPDATE

Febreze ad: “Your house smells musty because it contains soft objects that trap odors, then release them back into the air.” No fair! Why can’t they just trap the odors and keep them? “Febreze can even be used on clothes you want to wear another day!” Yeah, along with your dry shampoo for “the days you don’t wash your hair.” Let’s just live in filth. {Disclaimer: The other day, a Cheerio rolled off the table and into the corner, and I thought, No, I’m not eating that.}

Home decorating ad: “Our flooring will give your home that vacation feeling.” Rom: “That’s a lot to ask from a floor.” {Obviously, my kitchen floor does not give us that feeling–see above.}

VOTE FOR ME, I’M AS GOOD AS ANYONE!

In fact, better than some–I can make a public statement without saying anything stupid or abusive! Or get my picture taken without shoving others aside to get to the front of the line! And I know the place for my signature is at the bottom of the page! I have so much to recommend me.

WHAT MY OPPONENTS’ OPPOSITION RESEARCH WILL REVEAL ABOUT ME

Yesterday, Rom called me from the bike shop and told me his new bike would cost more than twice what we expected. Luckily, there was no one else at the bus stop to hear me cursing. Fiercely brooding about this, I got off the bus and headed for the convenience store, to drown my sorrows in a fountain drink. I obtained same and headed out the door. “Hello!” the clerk said. “Hi,” I answered, wondering why he was saying that as I was leaving. Turns out I’d forgotten the paying-for-it part.

 

Fun With Public Transportation

Photo by Mads Thomsen on Pexels.com

Well, not as much fun as this picture depicts.

Rom said, “You’re lucky your blog isn’t famous, because those people on the bus would beat you up.” Luckily, I’m in no danger of fame.

A woman today interrupted the guy who was talking to her to say, “You gotta hear this, this is hilarious–the other day on the radio, Billy Bob and Tom {I believe it’s just Bob and Tom} were talking about how they don’t make cars the way they used to. They said now you have to plug them in and they don’t go very far.” Um, that’s not hilarious. And why is it silly that you have to recharge electric cars? You have to put gas in other cars, or they don’t go very far. We haven’t invented a perpetual motion machine, although Cat Glamour when Rom’s trying to brush her comes pretty close.

FUN WITH TV COMMERCIALS

“You shouldn’t use a product that treats your butt like a joke.” Well, I doubt I’d like someone who took their butt too seriously.

“My hiney’s clean! I’m Charmin’ clean!” is bad enough, but now they follow it up with, “Also try our new moist towelettes,” or whatever they call those things. Wait. Aren’t you implying that one’s hiney is not, in fact, clean, if a second product is required afterward? I suppose they could take refuge in the legal definition of Charmin clean. They add to their grossness by showing you a demonstration of someone wiping synthetic excrement off their…arm. It’s like the old joke…”What’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?” “I don’t know, what?” “Well, I’m not inviting you over to my house.”

I think my current least favorite is the mouthwash one where they show you a bunch of gross mouths and say why they’re gross–“Garlic breath! Dry-mouth breath! Morning breath!”

CAMPAIGN DISCLOSURE

As regards my presidential campaign:

–My advertising budget is zero.

–I am not releasing my tax returns because finding them would involve getting up.

 

 

 

 

The Hissing of Summer Lawns: Niki de Saint Phalle

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

When Niki de Saint Phalle perfume was recommended to me as one of my dusky scents, I was eager to try it. How could I not be? The bottle is blue glass (favorite color!) with colorful snakes on it, and I have a cobra tattoo on my arm! Plus, it was released in 1987, the year Rom and I got married! How could I not love it? As it turns out, I didn’t, but it is an interesting scent, and definitely unique.

Niki de Saint Phalle was an artist and sculptor, and designed the snake-trimmed bottle for her fragrance. The scent is a combination of many unusual notes–pine, grapefruit, marigold, geranium–and thus smells hissingly green and spiky. It’s a bit too acerbic for my taste, even though I love green scents. But what fascinates me is the picture it evokes–that of a garden in late summer, when the only flowers still blooming in the blazing sun are, you guessed it, marigolds and geraniums. Dry, hot, and pungent. It would be the perfect scent if you love the scent of marigolds. But I don’t.

(Correction: It turns out that NdSP was created in 1982. 1987 is when I first heard of it.)

PART II, NO SEGUE ATTEMPTED

My current least-favorite commercials:

–“My hiney’s clean! I’m Charmin’ clean!” Yeah, it’s OK to show something’s butt if it’s a cartoon. If we learned nothing else from South Park…

–and the mouthwash commercial that shows a bunch of people’s gross mouths and the problems they have–Dry mouth! Garlic mouth! Cotton mouth! Stop showing me this! It’s not even a cartoon! Come to think of it, we did go from end to end here.

Speaking of which, now that “Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!” has been done in country and soul formats, we need a rock version.

‘WHOA, WE’RE HALFWAY THERE, WHOA-OH, GIBBON AND ECLAIR!’

Yes, the quotation marks above are incorrect. This will come out in hearings after I am President.

You know you’re sitting near a nerd when you hear the sentence, “They just rebooted their entire mythos.”

Speaking of nerds, a nerd on the bus solved a thorny theological problem–“God could have created evolution!” I’ve been saying this for years. Well, not on the bus.