I was hoping to get a Plague Doctor photo, but didn’t really expect one. But this was the first thing to pop up! I’m easily pleased by small things.
Isn’t a lockdown just the perfect thing for someone who’s always at home anyway? You’d think I’d have gotten started, like, a month ago or something.
WAYS IN WHICH I COME OUT AHEAD
I have even more to brag about than Donald Trump does.
–Ooh, I have to stay home and read and listen to music! Although my opportunities for unhealthy food are limited to the convenience store down the street. It’s “essential” because it’s a gas station, but they can’t keep me from buying fried fish. Although a police officer did stop me and ask if my fountain drink was essential, but that was mainly because he wanted to know if I’m retired by now.
–Not being able to get my hair done makes no difference in my appearance. My hair is long and graying regardless.
–Since I “suspended” my Presidential campaign, no one can blame me for my lack of response to the crisis.
DOWNSIDES TO THE PANDEMIC
–No one can appreciate my nail polish. And speaking of drugstores, WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE THINK IT’S OK TO STOP HOARDING TOILET PAPER?
Speaking of first responders, I got off the bus the other day, glanced down the street, and saw clouds of black smoke. This was distressing because it seemed to be coming from the direction of my house. But it blew away in a moment, so I figured that wasn’t it. Besides, I heard no sirens, and surely if something had been burning, someone would have called. So I felt reassured. Until I heard sirens.
You think of all kinds of evil stuff when you’re hoping your house is not on fire. Like, Maybe it’s one of my neighbors’ houses that’s on fire. That would be bad, but not as bad as if it were mine. But a cluster of firetrucks were…in front of my address. And as I got closer, I saw…a fire hose going back into my yard.
WE INTERRUPT THIS BORING POST TO BRING YOU A MESSAGE FROM SATAN!
Well, not from him, exactly, just sponsored by him.
I actually started this post a week ago, then realized that if I was boring myself EVEN THOUGH I WAS WRITING ABOUT A FIRE, it would bore readers also. But I had to come back to the keyboard because THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!
Yes, I was killing time on Facebook waiting for my laundry to be done (Wednesday is Laundry Day, because 3 years ago I wanted to have all my clothes washed to begin my New Life in Retirement, and my first retired day was a Thursday, so I’ve done the wash on Wednesday ever since) (see how boring that was? how can I be trusted to handle a fire? especially because I’m now preoccupied with whether I should have capitalized the beginnings of these parenthetical clauses?) (By the way, retired life so far is pretty much the same as life before, minus the job.), suddenly an ad popped up from some entity calling itself Satan Lovers. They were offering to sell me a t-shirt that said, in cool Gothic letters, ‘LET THERE BE LIGHT…AND THERE WAS LIGHT” with a picture of the Notre Dame steeple on fire. Is it any wonder that I clicked on Facebook’s query, “Why am I seeing this ad?” And the answer was, “Your interests matched that of Satan Lovers.” Um, what? Perhaps a subsequent post will list the interests I have in common with Satan. I’ll have to think about it.