Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: Corn

The Conspiracy Never Sleeps

FIRST SIGN OF SPRING

HEY FOXY! A man called us to say someone had thrown CORN into his daughter’s car. I guess this means that our Security Director has been lying down on the job. “Corn?! I prefer peas,” he says, licking his chops and falling back asleep.

Could I be more cryptic? All those who don’t understand, just go back, oh, 100 posts or so. Otherwise I’d have to be explaining myself all the time, and we can’t have that.

Spiders & Dead Bodies

Severe Mental Illness

Severe Mental Illness (Photo credit: homelesshub)

–That’s what Nick said our ridealong would consist of–“Nothing but spiders and dead bodies.” I’ll be staying in the squad car, then. Perhaps I’ll teach myself to drive.

I know one way not to drive–we received a report of a guy driving and sticking his arms out of the car windows. Oddly, this apparently caused him to swerve.

Speaking of vehicles, we also received a report of a stolen “Corn Pro” trailer. I’m guessing it was stolen by professional corn. And what would corn need a trailer for? I’m guessing it would be loaded with spiders and dead bodies. Dead corn bodies, one hopes. Baby corn bodies, and lots of them–after all, the growing season is over.

Theoretically, I am not insane. But we received a report (sensing a theme here?) from a woman who identified herself as “dangerously mentally ill.” She said, “I heard an ad on the radio for the dangerously mentally ill, and figured if I was going to be mentally ill, I might as well be dangerously mentally ill.” Seems like sound reasoning to me. She offered as proof of danger that she had shot someone in the arm, shot someone else in the elevator and dropped a bunch of guns in there, and had stabbed her husband previously, but never got in trouble for it. No evidence of any of these acts was found, but that’s where the “mentally ill” part comes in.

WILL DO TRICKS FOR FOOD!

I didn’t say turn tricks. Calm down.

A certain beast, Nick by name, offered to obtain food for us tonight. On the way with same, he sent me a message, saying, “Check the cameras. Do you see me?” I’m not playing your silly game, I thought, so I just got up and opened the back door, but there was no one there. “Tell me what you see,” he insisted, so I grumpily got up again–after all, my food was being held hostage in the hands of a madman–and looked at the camera, reporting, with some irritation, that I still saw nothing. He responded, “That must mean I’m not there yet.” So, dear co-workers who were busier than I was at that moment (I was between car-vs.-deer accidents at the time), that is why I kept jumping up and down like a jack-in-the-box, which I understand is good for my health.

He came in, all eager to be praised for his cleverness, or smacked for his insolence–just generally desperate for attention of any kind –but he was sent empty away, because I’m never good at thinking up stuff on the spur of the moment.

My fortune cookie was an actual fortune! How often does that happen?:

–“You are about to receive a big compliment.”  I’m still waiting.

“Dead Spider Bodies”–a great name for a rock band!

May I just observe that, if one includes the words “dead bodies” in a blog post, some of the suggested illustrations are very disturbing.

 

A Tale of Two Titles

Maize weevil from http://www.ars.usda.gov/is/g...

Maize weevil from http://www.ars.usda.gov/is/graphics/photos/index.html Image Number K3980-17 Maize weevil. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I couldn’t decide between “Existence of Suicidal Pillows Proven” or “Is Corn with Weevils Safe?”

#1: One of the pillows referred to in the previous post somehow got back into the traffic lane.

#2: You may recall me asking rhetorically, “Is there by any chance a corn weevil?” As it turns out, it was not rhetorical, as I proved by googling it. Is corn with weevils safe? For whom, the weevil?

I have had 3 hours sleep and am unable to sustain a train of thought. But before I forget, I’d like to thank Nick for posting a link to this blog on his Facebook page for his hundreds of friends. So I do. Thank him, that is. Even though his friends will doubtless say, “Well, of course he’d like it! She turned him into a fictional character!” (More like a cartoon character, actually.) Poor Nick is probably feeling a sense of unreality creeping over him by this point–“Am I a real person?” I know I have that problem a lot.

Release the Beast

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a confession. I was not expecting the Baby Corn Incident to be resolved so simply, but sometimes evildoers cannot resist bragging about their exploits, and so it was in this case. (Hint: She has only a single eye.) You’re so vain, you probably thought that post was about you….All that remains to be discovered was whether that panda-lover Gary Folks was sent in to do the actual deed and (supposedly) cover her tracks. (Or track? I believe her picture showed two feet, but I’m not sure.) At any rate, Nick will be contacting you, once the Army lets him out of the cage where they keep him when not in use. (Our tax dollars provide him with Purina Beast Chow, more-or-less fresh water, and an exercise wheel. I believe he’s only beaten on an as-needed basis.)

I see there is now levity on Facebook at my expense. Cease and desist. And once you’ve discovered the difference between the two, let me know.

(The illustration has nothing to do with today’s post. I just included it because it reminds me of Foxy.)

Lady chess

Lady chess (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

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