Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: Ants

Business As Unusual

CRISIS IN PROGRESS–YOU MAY BE THE PROBLEM WHEN:

–You want to report road rage, then say you followed the other driver to a parking lot and are now screaming at them.

–You need assistance because “A beagle charged me and is trying to bite my ankles.”

Speaking of potential ankle-biters, Service Cat Esmerelda was crying for me the other night. Oh, how cute, she’s got her catnip mouse, I thought. No, she had an actual mouse, mortally wounded but not yet dead. She wanted me to–bite its head off, I suppose. I taught her that the correct course of action is actually to contact Rom for disposal.

YOU CAN’T WIN DEPT.

The better the ant baits you put down, the more colonies of ants you will attract as a result. We hope to wipe out all ants within a 3-mile radius.

OK, I just revealed we’re infested with mice and ants. Would it help if I added that Rom got bombed by a stink bug twice in 2 days?

MUTUALLY ASSURED DESTRUCTION

I read an article in which a woman resolved to give up her bad habit of sarcasm. I suggested to Nick that this was a self-improvement program we might embark on together. “Absolutely not,” was his response. So it is Business as Usual, since we both have long claws and a great many teeth.

Speaking of such beasts, and their armaments and capabilities, Rom wants you to know that he did not actually chase Nick’s cub at The Birthday Party, but merely made a scary noise in his general direction. Of course, Nick was skulking in the outer darkness at that point, and will have to take our word for it.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR DRINK MACHINE AT THORNTONS

–Put in ice.

–Add shot of additional flavoring. (World Leader additions–Do not add a bunch of shots of additional flavoring. And note to tween girls–No, you are not proving your edgy individuality by putting some of every flavor in your cup, but nice try.)

–Fill cup with the soft drink of your choice.

I’m glad they give us the correct sequence of these steps. Apparently I’d been doing it wrong.

BEST ACOUSTICS IN THE CITY

The restroom at Thornton’s. Too bad they never play anything I want to hear.

 

 

Plague & Pestilence

CRISIS IN PROGRESS: FUN WITH INFECTIOUS DISEASES

–A man wearing a gray jumpsuit, straw hat, and a respirator walked into Subway (and everyone else ran out). He explained, ‘I don’t want to catch Ebola.” Don’t worry, it won’t come near anyone wearing that outfit.

–Man calling for ambulance explained, “I caught a cold from a stinky lady on the bus three days ago.” OK, who calls an ambulance for a cold? No matter who you caught it from.

DEAD ANT ADVENTURES

Rom put out poison baits for whatever kind of ants we have (small, black, numerous). They are responding with enthusiasm, and dying in droves. I don’t know–if it were me, seeing the dead bodies of my family and friends might warn me away from the delicious meal. But that’s just me.

I Only Have 25 More Years To Live

…according to a life-expectancy calculator in Time magazine, which predicts my demise at the age of 84.2. But there’s so much I haven’t done! Most things, in fact.

DEAD ANT, ETC.

A couple people have mentioned that I really should have expanded upon the list of various ant types previously posted. At the risk of encouraging you to expect actual effort from me…

–Argentine ants: Really? We don’t have enough of our own?

–Ghost ants: Obviously, the ghosts of ants we’ve previously killed.

–Cornfield ants: Equally obviously, in league with the Baby Corn.

–Pavement ants: Um, have all you ants noticed that there isn’t any pavement inside my house?

–Acrobat ants: What, swinging through the air? How about just hanging out with the pavement ants and leaving me alone?

–White footed ants: As Rom said, “Who would notice?”

–Little black ants: You know, that’s how I’d describe most of them, actually.

–Odorous house ants: Do they fragrance your home? That might be worthwhile.

–Crazy ants: Let’s think long and hard about what would constitute craziness in an ant. Not caring about the welfare of the Queen?

–Big headed ants: But what if they have big heads and white feet?

–…and other sweet eating ants. Sounds like something you’d put over ice cream.

NOW IT CAN BE TOLD

Actually, it could have been told at any point between now and, well, about 1830 last Saturday. Nick was having trouble talking to me on the air because he was choking on a donut. You read that right. I can see the headline now. “AREA COP CHOKES TO DEATH ON DONUT. He died as he lived, sources say.”  Yes, I’ve been reading the Onion lately, why do you ask? Good artists borrow, great artists steal! (I borrowed that from Stephen Colbert, but I don’t know who he stole it from.)

Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant Dead Ant Dead Ant

NOTE ON PACKAGE OF ANT POISON:

Attracts and Kills All Common Household Ants Including: Argentine ants, Ghost ants, Cornfield ants, Pavement ants, Acrobat ants, White footed ants, Little black ants, Odorous house ants, Crazy ants, Big headed ants, and other sweet eating ants.

SPEAKING OF POISON:

THE PROSPECTIVE RIDEALONG INVOLVING NICK AND MYSELF HAS BEEN CANCELED.

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