Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: Easter

Happy Easter to All

“…a day on which the Christian religion celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ,” as the Huffington Post helpfully tells those of us who haven’t heard of it.

And now that Lent–the unspecified “for a limited time only!” fish sandwich sale period–is over…did you know that you have Catholics to thank for the McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwich (and, I’m guessing, by extension all fast-food fish sandwiches)? According to MentalFloss, a McDonald’s franchisee in a heavily Catholic neighborhood complained to Ray Kroc that his sales dropped significantly during Lent. He and Kroc worked on developing a non-meat sandwich alternative. Kroc came up with the Hula Burger–a pineapple ring on a bun, and the franchisee came up with the Filet-O-Fish. Guess which one caught on.

NICK’S HEARTWARMING EASTER SPECIAL

“You’d get more readers if you led off with that,” Nick says, but his judgment is impaired by raging narcissism.

–I hear an imperious knock on my door, and open it to find Nick sitting on the porch, with a resplendent Easter basket dangling from his jaws.

“What a surprise! Thank you–”

“Hold this for me, will you?” He drops it and leaps into my oak tree, balancing precariously as he inches his way up a branch and tries to winkle a robin’s egg from its nest. The parents circle him screeching, fruitlessly pecking at his gleaming scales.

“You don’t need to do that,” I inform him. “I think you should go back home. Your owner told me she just set out a bowl of egg salad for you.”

“I don’t believe you.” He quickly turns his head to snap up a scolding squirrel and swallows it whole.

“Garnished with marshmallow Peeps.”

He regards me, still licking his chops from the squirrel.

“You can’t fool me. Peeps only lay marshmallow eggs. You can’t make salad from those.”

“OK, just get out of my tree. Or are you stuck up there, like you were in the backyard tree that one time?”

“Just watch me!” He begins laboriously backing down, wings carefully folded, with much thrashing of tail. I take the opportunity to grab the Easter basket, dart back in the house, and slam the door. He begins to wail piteously, but I start consuming the contents of the basket, knowing he is afraid to actually look in my windows.

 

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Is There Anybody Out There?

…just nod if you can hear me…from somewhere far away, a voice can be heard–“Enough obscure Pink Floyd references!” If I write and no one reads, does this blog exist? “Oh sure, blame the victim, you slacker,” they say, a bit more loudly. Ahem.

SLIGHTLY INCONVENIENCED

Since I have spent most of the last several days blowing my nose, I call to  mind an ancient Egyptian imprecation:

“Begone, thou cold, son of a cold, fall out on the floor and stink, stink, stink!”

I have the feeling that lost something in translation. Or maybe it gained something. At any rate, I have what I consider a Grade 2 cold: bad enough that I considered getting out of bed and trying to sleep sitting up on the couch, to make breathing easier, but mild enough that I fell asleep again before I could implement that plan. Or maybe I just passed out from lack of oxygen.

AN EXERCISE IN SISYPHEAN FUTILITY

–Walgreen’s employees removing Valentine candy from the shelves and replacing it with identical items in Easter packaging. But, as Sartre said (or maybe it was Camus–I get those guys confused, having dropped out of philosophy class before the time came to actually read them), maybe Sisyphus actually enjoyed going back up that hill.

INSERT HOLIDAY HERE

Brought to us by the ever-observant Rom: It’s been much remarked-upon that the word “Christmas” has been replaced in advertising, etc., by “holiday” (they’ll add “winter holiday” if cornered). But now they’ve started saying that bunnies, eggs, etc., are in celebration of “spring,” not “Easter.” Soon summer and fall will start demanding acknowledgement.

SOMETHING I WILL NOT BE TRYING AT HARDEE’S

Bacon Velveeta wrap. Are they trying to make me sick?

ANOTHER OBSCURE REFERENCE

I am using as many italics as Cosmopolitan magazine did when Helen Gurley Brown was editor. And I’m not even sure Google will help you much here.

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

A little girl, about 3 or 4 years old, struck up a conversation with the McDonald’s employee mopping the floor near her. “My Nana peed in that bathroom!” Encouraged by the positive response, she added, “And I pooped in that bathroom!” Will wonders never cease.

The Imp of the Perverse Battles the Baby Corn

Pretty cool title, huh? They should give me a job just thinking up titles for stuff. This was a title for a superhero comic I thought up, which was stymied by my inability to draw.

The calendar on my computer says “You have 2 birthdays in the next 2 weeks.” Nonsense. I know I only get one birthday per year.

This is Emergency Telecommunicators Appreciation Week, or whatever its official name is, which I am not experiencing in person, because I’m on vacation, because Telco Week (Telco! it sounds like a laundry detergent) (or a superhero) falls during Holy Week, as it so often seems to do. Perhaps this is because we are like the voice of God to police officers. (Don’t raise that eyebrow at me, Nick, or I’ll smite you.) But perhaps another appellation would be more apt, as I saw on the Diary of a Mad Dispatcher Facebook page (go there! you’ll be glad you did!)–“911–The Voice in the Dark.” Creepy, huh? But that doesn’t really describe my colleagues on day shift, does it? Perhaps “911–The Voice in Your Head.”

WARDROBE DISABILITIES

My whole day was thrown off last week because the green turtleneck I’d planned to wear turned out to be dirty, so I had to wear my other turtleneck (the line it was drawn, the curse it was cast, I’d already planned on wearing a turtleneck and THERE WAS NO GOING BACK), which was purple, but the socks I had on were green to match the first turtleneck, and THERE WASN’T TIME TO CHANGE THEM OR I WOULD MISS THE BUS.

MILDLY AMUSING ADVENTURES, A/K/A STUFF I SAW ON THE STREET

–Sign at McDonald’s: “Good Friday Special–$100 Egg and Cheese Biscuit.” Yes, I think paying $100 for a biscuit would be penitential. No, I did not avail myself of this special, because it would involve being awake before 10:30, and WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF?

–A guy on a red scooter with his red jacket streaming out behind him like a cape. Another superhero–Red Scooter Man! His arch-nemesis–Yellow Scooter Man! (Rom, who is so ate up about safety that he bought a yellow scooter and wears yellow or orange when he’s on it, even though these are his least favorite colors). {let us all pause while I try to figure out how to punctuate a sentence fragment} Rom leads a double life–he also has a criminal identity, Dogbite McBride, and his Red Shirt Gang. Maybe I could write a comic book on this topic, too. I got a head full of ideas that are driving me insane! If you start me up, I’ll never stop, never never never stop–ahem.

Our next door neighbors are having an Easter party and setting off fireworks, which are intended, I suppose, to scare Jesus back into the tomb. Did you know that if he comes out of the tomb and sees his shadow, we’ll have 6 more weeks of winter?

 

 

Crisis in Progress/Mildly Amusing Adventures Duo

I was asked if I’d written an Easter post. I did not, basically because I thought my Easter Eve quote from John’s Gospel said it better than I could, and if you think the Gospel of John is a bunch of bull$hit, I don’t know what to tell you.

Moving from heavenly things to those of earth–the thing I was most surprised to learn when I started working with police officers is that they can be whiny and gossipy, and they can get scared in dangerous situations. In other words, they’re human beings! With real feelings and stuff! This makes it all the more amazing that they actually volunteer to drive toward, and not away from, these situations, like when I tell them, “Go over there and see if there’s really a tornado”–although that usually leads to a plaintive message, “What am I supposed to do about it if there is?” I don’t know, fire your gun at it and see if that deflates it. And, because Nick is waving his hand wildly and about to fall out of his chair, I will also say that the fact that dispatchers, too, are whiny and gossipy should come as a surprise to no one. So, in this spirit of mutual respect, let me just say to the ladies and gentlemen of law enforcement that if I send you somewhere, and you respond, “Clear, from **whatever location is at the farthest point away from the run**” (secret meaning–“Send someone else”), I am going to answer, “Clear, from 1331 Harmony Way” (secret meaning–“I don’t care, just go”). I swear, someday I will.

And now for the Mildly Amusing Adventures section: Since the Internet is all about over-sharing, I’m sure my FanBase wants to know that when I went to Walgreen’s today, I purchased toothbrushes, soap and deodorant for Rom (Old Spice Swagger, since he’s the swaggering sort), shampoo, and a product with packaging which states, “Advanced silicone technology! Ideal for water play!” Although the idea of “advanced technology” for the product in question is intriguing, I don’t know what “water play” is, and I’m afraid to Google it to find out. My FanBase should also know that my selected songs for in-shower karaoke last night were Simon & Garfunkel’s “I Am A Rock” and the Who’s “Sea and Sand” from Quadrophenia, and I rate my performance on those as a B+.

Book of Kells, Folio 292r, Incipit to John. In...

Book of Kells, Folio 292r, Incipit to John. In principio erat verbum. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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