Stuck in the Middle with Them

It’s hard to avoid eavesdropping when you are literally standing in line between 2 people, so, in line at the dollar store…

1st guy: “Didja know Biden gave each migrant a Visa card and a smartphone?” {Disclaimer: the cell phones in question can only contact the immigration service app.}

2nd guy: “Yeah, but we still have to pay taxes.”

1st guy: “Everything’s upside down.”

2nd guy: “Trump’ll straighten them out.”

{Disclaimer: NO HE WON’T, BECAUSE THEY CAME UP WITH A BIPARTISAN IMMIGRATION PLAN, AND HIS MINIONS IN THE HOUSE QUASHED IT, SO THAT HE CAN RUN ON IT AS AN ISSUE.}

Since I am a Radical Centrist (at this point, being a centrist is itself radical), surely all of you are asking (surely!), “But, World Leader, what do you have to say about the Left?” Just reflect on the terms “identifies as,” and “product of conception,” and you’ll know. But at least they’re not plotting to overthrow democracy, so I’ll vote for them. While I’m still allowed to vote.

By the way, ya notice that all the fawning illustrations of Trump slim him down, and give him abs? Therefore, whenever you make graven images of me, please nip off a few pounds, give me the high cheekbones I could have inherited from my father and didn’t, and make me look good in black.

AD MAGIC

Lands’ End catalog: “Swim shorts in three lengths and fun colors!” Except that the longest length only comes in navy and black. Wait, those are fun colors!

“We’re the best for the way you business.”

MY FAST-FOOD UNIVERSE IS SHRINKING

Tried going to Taco Bell on St Joe, went to the counter, and the employee said, “Sorry, you’ll have to order at the self-service station. I can help you with it if you like.” Or you could just, um, take my order. I said, “That’s OK” (it was not), and walked out. So, Taco Bell is trying to make me do their job, McDonald’s is too oniony, Lic’s and Lee’s have gone away mysteriously. I can usually be found at Subway. EAT FRESH OR DIE!

THE GREAT RESTROOM CONSPIRACY

The drugstores are against me, too. I headed for the restroom at Walgreen’s, and an employee stepped in front of me and said, “The restrooms are closed, a guy, well…We’re getting a man in to clean them.” I thought, “A guy messed up both of them?” I also noted that the signs on the doors didn’t say “CLOSED FOR CLEANING” or “OUT OF ORDER,” but “NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.” I moved on to CVS, which had a sign on the restroom door that said “LOCK IS BROKEN.” I thought, OK, someone will just have to knock or take their chances, I’M GOIN’ ON IN ANYWAY, but no, they meant that the door was stuck on “LOCKED.” And after Covid, they changed their restrooms from mens’/womens’ to employees/civilians, and there’s a big red-letter sign on the employees’ that says NO ADMITTANCE.

That was several weeks ago, and Walgreens still hasn’t gotten a man in to clean their possible biohazard, nor has CVS fixed their lock. So I’m thinking that they want to not have public restrooms, but not take the bad press of not having them. It’s like Dollar General, where the policy is to put in restrooms, then put an Out of Order sign on them for the rest of forever. (The one down the street put one up as soon as they moved in years ago, and apparently it’s still out of order!)

This is on the heels of activism about the U.S. practice of being able to use a restroom being dependent on a private business allowing you to, which has always struck me as haphazard.

P.S. Scratchy Glitter is now 11 years old! So buy me a drink or something.

Back Again

I went to the liquor store, and the manager, who is familiar with me by now, asked to see my ID again. He said, “Now we have to not only ask for it, but we have to check the expiration date.” You know, not only does it still have my picture on it (looking grumpy and middle-aged) (OK, like a middle-aged serial killer), but if it were expired, that would only mean I was even older, and therefore more qualified to drink. Think I’ll mention that next time. After all, he seemed to not care about my story of being seriously carded for the last time at 29 (Freedom Festival Bierstube, 1984). This will give him more to not care about.

Current favorite comedian, Nate Bargatze, check him out on YouTube! He does stuff like this and gets money for it! (Disclaimer: He did not give me money to mention him, nor does he know I exist.)

I COULDN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP…OR COULD I? BUT I DIDN’T

Donald Trump said, at a rally in Iowa, “The only thing I know about magnets is, you get a glass of water, and you put it on the magnets, and the magnets are gone.” Everybody try this at home! Inject yourself with bleach, while you’re at it.

VOTE FOR ME! I UNDERSTAND MAGNETS!

Huh, What?!

What year would be complete without me resolving to post more frequently? Especially since the odd 1-3 people have been checking in every day to see if I have. I don’t know if they found what they were looking for, or what, in fact, that was.

THE JOY OF DISCOVERY

I was at Subway, my current favorite fast-food place (EAT FRESH OR DIE!), and a small child was discovering that, if you hold a piece of thin-sliced ham up to the window, the sun shines through it.

NOUN-AS-VERB DESTRUCTION

“The smart way to business.”

I am just glad this practice hasn’t gotten popular outside of advertising.

MORE INSANITY

“You have thousands of pictures on your phone. Use our app and get your favorites made into a framed picture you can hang on your wall!”

Objections abound:

–If you have thousands of pictures on your phone, you take too many pictures.

–We had CAMERAS that took a picture that you could HANG ON YOUR WALL, so stop acting like this is some amazing new idea.

OK, objections didn’t exactly abound.

FASHION INFLATION

I read an article claiming, “Pantyhose are not pants!” Anyone remember my lost cause, “Leggings are not pants!”? Next they’ll be saying, “Panties are not pants!” And finally, “Your bare buttocks are not pants!” And they’ll be derided as old-fashioned and dowdy for saying that.

DEATHLY WEARINESS

“Marjorie Taylor Greene Mentions Bill Clinton’s Epstein Connection, Ignores Trump’s.”

Because….I dunno. I will only note that, in my scheme of things, nobody gets three names. I don’t make everyone call me Firstname Middlename-or-Maidenname Lastname, and you shouldn’t either. And your hyphen, if any, will not save you. {Disclaimer: My Facebook profile does indeed include my maiden name, which was in the hope that relatives from that side of the family would find me, and they did! I still don’t expect anyone to call me that.}

Dictator for a Day

Trump says he will only be a dictator on Day 1, so he can “build a wall and drill, drill, drill.” The policy proposal of an 11-year-old. “And I’ll throw my enemies in jail, but first I’ll have my friends beat them up! And a big crowd–the biggest crowd ever–will laugh and cheer and say, “Yay, do that!!!” And then I’ll get into my gold-plated plane full of McDonalds and fly to Florida, where I’ll sit on my gold-plated toilet!! MAGA!!!!”

Speaking of drilling and drilling and drilling, has it occurred to any of these Friends of Coal and Oil that, whether or not you believe in climate change, we’ll eventually run out of those things?

HUH?

“Liquid I.V. Powder.”

A.) A powder is not a liquid.

B.) An I.V., on the other hand, is a liquid.

C.) Why?

And also, “Super Beets Heart Chews!”

A.) Why would anyone want beets?

B.) Chewing on a heart, ew.

C.) Sounds like something Dwight on The Office would sell.

And furthermore,

“Laxative Gummies! Take us, and the next morning, it’s Showtime! And we’re berry-flavored, yum!”

A.) I do not want my morning to begin with Showtime. Especially if it means the show might begin while I’m still in bed.

B.) It always makes me think of Pete Davidson’s video about weed gummies, “Youuuu should not have eaten meeee….”

C.) Yum!

MORE CRAZY REPUBLICAN STUFF

I may have posted this before, but I sure can’t find where I did, so…

Vivek Ramaswamy said that he will fire all government employees whose Social Security number ends in an odd number (another 11-year-old kid’s proposal). As it happens, Rom’s and mine end with even numbers–the same even number, in fact–COULD IT BE A CONSPIRACY? Sure, everything else is.

I AM A RADICAL CENTRIST, HEAR ME SAY SOMETHING IN A MODERATE AND REASONABLE TONE

Let’s offend the Left next! How about if we choose university professors/administrators/students based on ability, not on whether they are members of a “marginalized group”? Hmm? Taking the forbidden thought further–while there’s nothing wrong with diversity, it is not a good in and of itself. It depends on the intentions and results. Give everyone a chance, but don’t block anyone else in order to do so. OOH, CANCEL ME NOW!!! (Disclaimer: I am not important enough to be canceled. Or cancelled. Not sure how that goes. Obviously, I did not attend an Ivy League university.)

I Am A Cannibal

My title is not some cheap attempt to get people to click on it (but it worked, didn’t it?), but just fair warning that, in looking back on old posts, I found some entertaining, mainly work-related things that I’d forgotten about, and I plan to re-post them on occasion. It’s my content, I can cannibalize it if I want to.

But I may have to go pretty far to the Dark Side to keep up with today’s political discourse. Republican candidates in particular have been talking about “slitting throats,” “putting heads on stakes,” etc. And this makes us better than our enemies how, exactly? Vivek Ramaswamy said he would “go unrestrained chainsaw on Day One,” and then said, of course, that he was “speaking figuratively.” These people sure are doing a lot on Day One. OK….

…If elected, I will, on Day One, figuratively tear out their guts with my bare hands! Then figuratively stomp on them! Then figuratively set them on fire! And figuratively laugh!

I don’t have to drink to write, but it helps.

COSMETIC NEWS

Trexa noted that my nail polish color was called “Wicked,” while hers was called “Ladylike.” But after wearing Wicked for Halloween, I switched to one called Forever Yummy. I don’t know why red would be any yummier than other colors. Their website describes it as “a clear tango red,” and I don’t know what that means, either. My favorite nail color is what Cosmo once derided as “passe` Dragon Lady red,” which would make a better color name than Forever Yummy. Of course, any nail color that’s not a pun gets my vote, because punning is apparently the convention for them these days.

IN OTHER NEWS

You gotta love the internet (notice that people don’t capitalize it anymore? The novelty has worn off!), which gave us an article on “Is it OK to pee in the shower? Experts weigh in.” The verdict was “pretty much OK,” and they then gave us instructions:

1. Before stepping in the shower, think about whether you need to pee or not.
2. If you forgot Step 1 and the urge strikes when you’re already in there, rate the urge from 1 to 3. If 3, go ahead and pee, by whatever method you choose. If 1 or 2, utilize deep breathing or other techniques to enable you to hold it.

Isn’t it good we have experts to tell us this? I’d never have figured it out on my own.

Speaking of which, isn’t it cute that we have euphemisms? I saw a news story about a woman who pulled down her pants on an airplane mid-flight, and, as the airline spokeswoman delicately put it, “used the bathroom.” Even though the point was that she wasn’t using the bathroom.

“Did you know that blogs that post frequently have more traffic?” WordPress asks, unnecessarily. They’ll be telling me how to pee next.

I’m Just an Old Karen With a Cobra Tattoo

…and troubled by whether to capitalize “with” or not.

I also have, for Halloween, a black top, orange pants (they called it “Russet Brown” but it looks orange to me), snake pin, spider ring (I love spiders and snakes, unlike the old song), and black nail polish (they called it dark red, but it looks black to me). Long-time readers will not be surprised to know that I didn’t have to buy anything especially for the occasion, but had these items already on hand. Long-time readers were surprised to know that this is the first time I’ve worn black nail polish. I tend to be old-fashioned and think nails should be lipstick colors like pink. red. coral, etc., not gray, green, or yellow. But anything for art!

I had no trick-or-treaters except Nick, who showed up a day late (and a dollar short? who knows?) to reassure me that he still liked me after I accidentally blocked him on my phone. (“I did not!” he objects. “I showed up because you said there’d be candy!”)

MORE ADVERTISING I OBJECT TO

There is a never-ending supply, to quote the Ramones.

“Age on your own terms.” If it were really on my own terms, I would have no wrinkles and be able to eat whatever I wanted and however much I wanted without gaining weight or indigestion. In other words, I wouldn’t age at all.

An ever-growing category–ads with fake cuss words.

“Fish yeah!”

“I put that * on everything!”

“Holy shirt!”

My objection is not the George Carlin objection, that we should stop being coy and just use the actual words, but the Old Karen objection, that we need less cussing in the world, not more.

LYRIC CRITICISM

The lyrics of Ted Nugent leave much to be desired:

“Sweet Sally, she’s a friend of mine

Sweet Sally likes it double-time

Sweet Sally likes it all the time!

Sweet Sally, she’s a friend of mine.”

This friendship seems to lack depth. Also, could this be the same Sally referenced by Eric Clapton?

“Lay down, Sally, and rest here in my arms

Don’t you know you need someone to talk to?

Lay down, Sally, and rest here in my arms

I’ve been trying all night long just to talk to you.”

If I were Sally, I’d say, “Is there any reason we can’t have this conversation sitting up?”

Nick’s Audience of Two

You may have been wondering what Nick has been up to.

He came over and encountered my two new cats. (They still seem new, even though we’ve had them for over a year. I think it’s because we’re still waiting for Carson to stop being “the feral one.”)

“Ooh, that one’s nice and plump!” he said about Jessie. They were sitting, one on either side of me, like lions by an old-timey Biblical-era throne. (Disclaimer: You know I am making all this up by the fact that they are sitting on either side of me. Carson would be under the bed if any stranger came over, much less one with scales and wings.) He extended his neck toward Jessie, who promptly swatted him on the sensitive snout. “Ow! Well, what about this one?’ He extended his neck toward Carson, who responded with a resounding hiss. “Hey, I could take this one! It only has three fangs!” (One of Carson’s teeth was knocked out, we don’t know how or by whom.) He looked up at me hopefully, while being regarded with eyes of bright bronze and bright green, respectively.

“Stop acting like you’re Alf in that old TV show I never watched,” I tell him, and he looks at me quizzically. “I called you over because I’m thinking about changing the angle of my presidential campaign.”

“Oh.” He sits down and tries to look wise. “Do you need me to kill anyone?” (Disclaimer: I don’t think he has, in fact, ever killed anyone.)

“Well…let’s just say I’m thinking about going over to the dark side.”

“Cool! I can do death threats and stuff.”

“Yes, that seems to be standard practice nowadays.”

“I’m ready! I–” He turns and glares at Jessie, who has decided to settle between his wings. “Can you get this thing off me?”

“I’m sorry,” I say serenely. “She has armor-piercing claws.” (Disclaimer: This is a plain old lie.)

He twists his snaky neck around to glare at her.

“Watch out,” I say, equally serenely. “They’re a bonded pair, so her sister might defend her.” (Disclaimer:This is a–well, I’m not sure what to call it. The Humane Society said they were a bonded pair, because they tried to separate them, and they both did very poorly. But now they have realized they have dissimilar personalities and interests, so I’m not sure what to call them now. Other than sisters.)

“Who cares? She’s–“

“–under-supplied with fangs? But she has even more armor-piercing claws.” (Another good old-fashioned lie.)

“So I just have to put up with this until she decides to leave?”

“Why not? It’s what I do.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

ADVERTISING i DON’T LIKE

“The best way to summer.” NOT A VERB.

“Do you have old, drafty windows? You could be losing money all year long.” Not in spring and fall. It’s like those ASPCA commercials–“An animal is suffering in the heat/cold.” What do they do in spring and fall? “An animal is in…well, pleasant temperatures.”

DEAR YAHOO NEWS, DO NOT THINK YOU WILL ENCOURAGE ME TO CLICK WITH THE HEADLINE, “RARE FOOTAGE OF A CROCODILE EATING A BABY HIPPO WITH UMBILICAL CORD STILL ATTACHED.” How about “RARE FOOTAGE OF A CAT EATING A BABY BIRD WITH YOLK SAC STILL ATTACHED?’

Thanks to my FanBase for recent positive comments on FaceBook. Y’all (disclaimer: that’s something I never say) are the best.

Is There Anybody Out There?

…Just nod if you can hear me, is there anybody home?” is what I wanted to sing into the microphone (and I grew up spelling it “mike,” and don’t know why we think it’s now spelled “mic”) when someone on the air would ask me for a sound check. But instead of singing Pink Floyd, I would just do what everyone did and say “5-4-3-2-1.” A colleague once said that when someone said, “Gimme a short count,” we should just say “1”. I don’t remember who that colleague was, but I never had the nerve to do that, either. And it would have been safe to do it, because I could always claim the equipment cut me off.

A little girl at the convenience store asked me, “Are you homeless?” I think it was because I walked up, instead of driving up, which should lead us to examine the nature of our society, but won’t.

Earlier this week, I *walked* into the Thornton’s restroom, went into a stall because the door was ajar, and witnessed a woman’s entire butt (well, except what Saturday Night Live called “the worst part” of the butt). She was in the process of pulling up her pants, but(t) hadn’t quite gotten there yet. I can only hope she didn’t know I was there, and I didn’t see her face, so we should be OK.

So who says I don’t lead an interesting life?

Commercial for a nutritional supplement–“Contains active mushrooms.” As opposed to the ones just sitting there in our yard. Or the over-active ones that poison you. They also say, “Contains adaptogens!” Whatever they are. I need something to help me adapt, but the stuff is green and gross-looking, so I’ll just have to remain set in my ways.

MY INTERESTING LIFE, CONTINUED

I was standing at the bus stop, and a woman standing behind me exclaimed, “Girl, you’re between my legs right now!” I glanced (OK, I might have glared) back, because that’s a weird thing to hear from someone standing behind you. Turns out she’d almost dropped her phone, but caught it between her knees. Then she said to her friend on the phone, “This old Karen just looked at me! Old people walking down the street and looking!” How dare they.

WARNING! WARNING!

McDonald’s has decided to “class themselves up” and now cook all their burgers with onions. (The class level of this should be obvious by the fact that White Castle has always done the same.) This means that even if you order your burger plain, as I do, it will taste oniony. Eww! So McDonald’s and I have parted ways.

Is there anybody out there?

Playing Pool With the Devil

I dreamed I was playing pool with the Devil. He was the standard Mephistophelian tuxedo-clad Devil, and I asked him about what it was like being the Devil. In actual life, I can’t play pool.

I also dreamed I was back on the job, and got in trouble for something I wrote about it on this blog. The Director had my post printed out for the meeting, and I thought, Well, this is going to be embarrassing. I was awakened by Cat Jessie (“GET UP!! GET UP NOW!!! I HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!!”), before I found out what was to become of me.

In retrospect, it’s a bit odd that I was more distressed at talking to my boss than to the Devil. Of course, I don’t work for him.

CRITICISM OF PRODUCTS I USE ANYWAY

Dove body wash ad for their new packaging–“Change is beautiful!” Not if you also decrease the product size while we’re not looking.

Pepsi (Pepsi Zero RULES!!) talking about their new packaging–“We’re aiming for a bolder, more confident look. The old typeface was a little too diffident.” Well, weren’t you the ones who decided diffident was the right look before? I think they’re defensive because they’re the eternal runner-up.

I am “older than plastic” (as a co-worker memorably called me because I remember glass shampoo bottles–she said, “That doesn’t sound like a good idea,” but IT’S ALL WE HAD, OK?!), so I remember ye olde Pepsi slogans–“Come alive, you’re in the Pepsi generation!” and “Now it’s Pepsi–for those who think young.”

Disclaimer: Your Pepsi Generation narrator did not receive money from Unilever or PepsiCo for this post, because I don’t know how to monetize things.

P.S. Sign on convenience store door–BITCOIN ATM INSIDE. What does that even give you?

P.P.S. I hit Publish, and WordPress asked me if I wanted to use their AI assistant. Aaaiiieee! I am not a robot, go away! It’s to “verify the tone of your post before publishing.” I will let you all decide if I struck the right tone.

Here I Am, Rock You Like a Hurrican…

…as they say it. The song also says, “So what’s so wrong ’bout a night of sin?” Um, the sin?

I HAVE HALF AN HOUR AND I’M DRUNK, SO I’LL POST

…was my alternative title.

Some other-than-Trump presidential candidate got booed for saying educational and other bills are for Democrats, and other citizens, as well as Republicans. So you think only Republicans should be educated? Shame on you. But speaking of education, let me try it…

“They’re politicizing the justice system.” NO, THEY’RE NOT, AND EVEN IF THEY WERE, YOU STARTED IT WITH “LOCK HER UP!!”

“It’s a 2-tiered system of justice.” YEAH, IN WHICH A RICH GUY GETS TO BE OUT WITHOUT EVEN PAYMENT OF BOND, INSTEAD OF JAILED AWAITING TRIAL BECAUSE HE ATTEMPTED TO INTIMIDATE WITNESSES AND PROSECUTORS.

“This should be decided at the ballot box, not in court.” YEAH, WE TRIED THAT, AND YOU TRIED TO UNDO IT AND BROKE INTO THE CAPITOL BECAUSE YOU LOST.

Apart from that, if you’re going to give everyone a nickname, and think that substitutes for reasoned argument, at least let the nicknames be clever. “Deranged Jack Smith”? “Crooked Joe Biden”? “Lil” whatever? (And why are rappers always “Lil whatever” these days? Running out of ideas?)

Y’ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND, UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE–

Y’all are leaving me no choice but to …

RE-START MY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN!

Y’all may remember I “suspended” it, as they say, basically because I got bored. But now there is a desperate need! Because I said so!

DO I NEED POLICY PROPOSALS? APPARENTLY NOT!

I need only merchandise, and a slogan, and a V.P. candidate, in the person of my beast, I mean friend, Nick. Behold his platey hide, sharp teeth, and bat-like wings! He can fill the jobs of Vice-President and Secret Service, and requires only chunks of raw meat in return! Think of the savings to taxpayers!

A SLOGAN, YOU SAY?

My slogan is “It Could Be Worse.” But, you say, that can’t be reduced to an acronym, like MAGA! (which Trump has a way of appending to things , like some sort of ejaculation). It’s ICBW! ICKBEW! The T-shirts will be ready as soon as you send me some money. Also Sour Neon Crawlers shirts, and shirts saying “I’m Not F. Scott Fitzgerald,” like my creative writing professor told me once. We’re all not F. Scott Fitzgerald! ICKBEW!