Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: New Years Eve

Irregular Features

TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF

  1. This is not a good time of year for finding new leaves.
  2. If you find one, it’ll probably have a stink bug under it anyway.

Be that as it may, Blog School, which I finally finished (it’s supposed to be 2 weeks, but I took that at-your-own-pace provision seriously) recommends promising you a Regular Feature to encourage myself to post regularly, but since posting regularly in itself would be a surprise, here you are!. I’m not sure what kind of Feature would work in this admittedly freewheeling format, but maybe I’ll come up with something later.

So here I sit, eating M&M’s in proper colorlogical order, from my least to my most favorite colors (brown-yellow-green-orange-red-blue–if the vending machine doesn’t give me any blue ones, I am entitled to get a 2nd handful to rectify the situation).

I am freshly back from vacation, and was ready to go back on it with my first baby-daddy call. “My baby daddy almost hit my other ex-boyfriend and his parents with his car! We never have gotten along.” Then why did you have sex with a guy you don’t like? Another baby mama called me a “stupid-@ss bitch.” Hey, I don’t have a baby-daddy, so I suspect I’m smarter than you are. Of course, she probably doesn’t have to think about M&M’s before she eats them. We all have our own gifts and abilities.

YOU CAN’T GET THERE FROM HERE

METS Transportation has finally done what they’ve tried to do for years and cut the West Side bus service down to a single route. (Since they have meager resources, because PROPERTY TAX CAPS, they had to do it to make room for Sunday bus service.) So now, if I’m going to work and need to head north, I have to get on a bus headed south. If I’m headed home and need to go south, I have to get on a bus headed north. It’s like it’s uphill both ways. (It actually is uphill both ways, since there is more than one hill involved.) Walking the whole way, rather than going around in circles on the bus, may actually save me time. How To Meet Your Weight-Loss Resolution Goals!

THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T DO WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK

–Cut your toenails.

DRAMA DEPARTMENT

“My relatives were visiting for New Year’s, and they left something that looks sketchy.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s a pipe and some kind of plastic pack.”

It turned out to be a nightlight and a battery pack.

THINGS WALGREEN’S THINKS I NEED, ACCORDING TO MY FACEBOOK FEED

–shave gel (although they were uncertain what scent I’d prefer)

–something to reinforce my earlobes so I could wear injuriously heavy earrings

–something that would enable me to pee in a car

DID YOU KNOW?

–I used a Crown Royal bag as a purse in high school? That’s how much of a hipster I was. I’ve never tasted Crown Royal.

HOW I SPENT NEW YEAR’S EVE

Rom said, “You’re having a redneck New Year’s Eve–on the couch, drinking Redd’s and eating ramen.”

 

 

 

Year-End Clearance

I know I’m supposed to come up with some sort of list, like Things That Annoyed Me in 2014, but I’m feisty with apple ale, so let’s just concentrate on the things that annoy me now. (Did you know a period looks the same in italics as it does otherwise?)

But first, let it be known that I’ve been misspelling kthnxbye. Apparently it’s supposed to be spelled kthnxbai. Kewl.

NOTE TO MEN:

Do not let your sex partner see that your bottle of personal lubricant is called “Gun Oil,” lest she snicker. (Spotted today at CVS, lest you think I made it up. And why would you think that?) (Obviously I’m spoiling for a fight, having downed 2 cans in quick succession.)

NOTE TO STORES:

Do you really think anyone is buying Valentine merchandise at this point? Wait until you’ve packed away the New Year’s Eve hats. Speaking of which, since we got started on that “2000” sparkly spectacles thing in that decade, we’ve been reluctant to give it up. “2015” is not really workable in that format, so let’s move on. I’m also inclined to think it’s a cruel joke on people who have to wear glasses, but pretty much everything seems like a cruel joke to me at the moment.

NOTE TO EVERYONE:

There is no requirement that you wear all the clothes you got for Christmas the day after Christmas.

Time to go see if caffeine can cancel out the effects of alcohol! I’ll report back if I feel like it.

It’s the End of the World As We Know It, Yet Again

New Year's Eve

New Year’s Eve (Photo credit: besighyawn)

I can’t go to bed yet, it’s only 2:30! Let’s see what I have to say.

Did you spend New Year’s Eve at home?

Yes. You know you’re getting old when your peers no longer have New Year’s Eve parties.

Then why didn’t you host one yourself?

Are you serious?

Did you set off any fireworks in your back yard at midnight?

No. I did fire a gun once, but that was years ago.

Would you care to elaborate?

No.

–Are there any other things you think we should know about?

Yes. I mean, no, I don’t think you should know about them.

–So you’re actually a more interesting person than your quiet demeanor would lead us to expect?

Yes, but that’s kind of the purpose of this blog, now, isn’t it?

What kind of attitude is that to start a new year with?

Next question.

What is your favorite color?

Blue.

But didn’t you used to tell us it was black?

Yes, but I was just trying to shock you.

But didn’t you say at the time that you weren’t just trying to shock us?

I was lying.

But isn’t lying wrong?

No, because I was lying to myself as well.

What else have you lied to yourself about?

Don’t get me started.

We have plenty of time.

No, I need to go to bed now.

It’s only 2:47.

I need to get ready for bed! What is this, an interrogation?

No, you didn’t have any ideas for a post, so you decided to just sit down at the keyboard and see what happened.

And aren’t you glad I did? (Don’t all rush to answer that.) As David Letterman once said, “There’s no ‘OFF’ on the genius switch!” And as R.E.M. once said, “Give me a minute and I’ll tell you the setup of the worst joke ever…”

It’s 2:55. K…..THNX…..BYE.

 

%d bloggers like this: