Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: elections

Smart Ways To Use Poetry In a Street Fight

Is that not the best book title ever? It’s an actual book, too, which I need a copy of. After all, Nick has his hands full keeping me out of fights.

AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT I’M (IN)CAPABLE OF

There was an intern observing at work the other day. I noticed this as I came in. A couple hours later, I left the operations room, headed for the restroom. Unbeknownst to your World Leader, the intern had slipped out the door behind me, headed in the same direction. I did not realize this until I got to the restroom door and heard someone behind me. I whirled around and stared at her. If you’ve ever heard the noise a CD makes when it skips, that is the state my mind was in as I tried to process who this strange person must be-a person, you’ll remember, I had noticed at the beginning of the shift. “I’m…going to use the restroom?” she offered tentatively–understandably, since I seemed intent on guarding the door. I then muttered something lame about not knowing she was there.

I told this story to Rom when I got home. He sighed and said, “Now that person thinks you’re insane.” Hey, I’m only a little insane.

HEY, I ACHIEVED SOMETHING!

Does everyone like the blog’s slightly-snazzy new look? I learned that in Blog School. No, I don’t remember how I did it, and no, I doubt I’d be able to do it again.

CRISIS IN PROGRESS UPDATE

I believe the Fall Festival will be overrun with clowns, giving meaning at last to the term “clownin’.” Remember that I will eventually be visiting the festival with Nick, as soon as I can make something up along those lines.

OVERHEARD FROM ACROSS THE ROOM

“I found someone in my yard who is either disoriented or deceitful.” Or maybe disingenuous? Have you considered that?

MILDLY AMUSING ADVENTURES

Be advised that the perfect shade of red may be found on the crepe myrtle bushes by Banterra Bank at St Joe/Delaware.

DOING MY CIVIC DUTY

Since Stephen Colbert is doing it, I also will have live coverage on Election Day. I will also be drunk. Well, only after voting, lest I get to the polling place and base my vote not on the Common Good, but on the basis of “Let’s see what happens!”

PERSONAL MAINTENANCE

You know how they’re always trying to tell you not to put cotton swabs in your ears? Well, now they’re trying to say you shouldn’t put anything in your nose, either. So we should just let boogers fall out naturally? I don’t think so.

 

 

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Turn Me Loose!

…I’ve gotta have it my way, or no way at all! So it is, and so it shall be, to quote Patti Smith.

Yeah, I’m on vacation, and yeah, I’m drunk, as Nick so astutely noticed, since he’s all astute and stuff.

You gotta love when your husband comes in and says, “Well, you stepped in it.” Stepped in WHAT? I should know after all these years–a hairball. Remember the ongoing philosophical debate–which hairball is worse to step in, fresh and warm, or old and icy-cold?

POLITICKING

“Hey now baby, get into my big black car…I just want to show you what my politics are.” Courtesy of Cream, and I think of it often in this electoral season.

Hey, how long has it been since we had a CONSPIRACY POST? Anyone remember the
Baby Corn?

OK, I just almost choked on my drink. This is NOT FUNNY. In fact, it’s kind of painful.

Anyway, I now announce that, considering the dearth of acceptable candidates, I unhesitatingly support A CAN OF CREAMED CORN for President. Any can will do.

I’ll write later if I think of something to say.

AND I DID!

…Courtesy of the people at some laundry-product company. A woman SNIFFS THE CROTCH OF HER PANTS and says, “These pants have that yoga smell!” Um, that’s not what we call it. She then sniffs the area again after laundering and says, “Now I don’t smell like wet dog!” Um, that’s not what it smells like.

I’m Jumpin’ Jeanne Flash

…AND IT’S ALL RIGHT NOW…

–Went to vote, knocked my head on the top of the booth, which made the side panel fall over, which knocked the stylus out of my hand. Went on to select leaders for my community, most of whom didn’t win.

–Went to McDonald’s, prudently pushed my hair out of the way of my hot fudge sundae, failed to notice that fudge had dripped down the side of the container and gotten on my fingers, ended up with a surprising amount of hot fudge in my eyebrow, which I did not discover until several people had had a chance to see it. Luckily, my brows are black, so maybe they didn’t see it.

STUFF OVERHEARD AT MCDONALD’S

–A small child being told that “I go potty!” is a  more acceptable thing to say than “I go poopie!,” but that neither of those is really suitable to yell at the top of one’s lungs in a public place.

–A tableful of retired guys opining on the subject of police take-home cars. They were agin it. “I can see it for a K-9 officer, because he might be called out with the dog. But otherwise, no.” “A police car shouldn’t just be sitting there all night doing nothing.” “With all the cars the department has, they wouldn’t have to be driven around the clock anyway. Saves wear and tear on the cars.” Considering the number of times officers have told me, “I was late getting out on the street because I had to wait for a car,” I suspect the retired gentlemen don’t know how many cars the department actually has. Of course, officers could be making excuses to me, I suppose.

So neither the young nor the old were really pleasing me yesterday. Of course, I’d hit my head on a voting booth. so there you go.

NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I’VE SEEN

I was momentarily troubled the other day because my broccoli/cheese casserole was on the opposite side of my tray from where Wesselman’s had placed it the last time I’d ordered that item. However, I was able to get on with my life. It wasn’t like the previous day, when a crisis was narrowly averted–I discovered before I left the house that the pants I’d selected were actually black, instead of the navy blue I’d intended. Putting on unplanned pants would have bothered me all day. Asking the fashion question–Is navy blue the same as black? 

A PUBLIC DISSERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

A billboard down the street from my house features the sad eyes of a child, but the accompanying writing is tiny and purple on a black background, so you can’t read it unless you’re standing right by it (as opposed to, say, driving by). It says, “Avoiding Eye Contact Is A Possible Sign Of Autism.” Way to keep it a secret!

 

 

 

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