Scratchy Glitter

Observations for the easily irritated.

Tag: Black Friday

Day 9: Black Friday, Untrampled

Yikes, I almost forgot I had to do this. I was, um, otherwise occupied.

As is traditional, I observed Black Friday at Walgreen’s–a good source of cheap crap for small children who won’t know the difference, and CVS–as good a source of gift cards as any. I do actually need to go to the mall at some point, however, and feel mild panic at the prospect. However, the mall affords me the opportunity to sample 6 different perfumes at once. (I actually did that once, and I hope fellow bus passengers were edified thereby.) (No, I do not normally apply nearly that much scent.)

S.G. POST #9–3/23/13: World Leader Pretend: I Control the Weather and Tell Cops What To Do

–I complain that there was snow on Palm Sunday.

–Nick complains about my diction on the air, little knowing that soon it would cease to be an issue because WE WILL NEVER WORK TOGETHER AGAIN.

 

 

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I’m a Tax Evader

That should get someone’s attention! By the way, I’m wearing a light green sweater and black pants. These, like most of my wardrobe, came from Lands’ End (and my sister, in this particular case). Maybe now they’ll send me free clothes! Even though I have a lifetime’s worth of clothes already. I’m running out of places to put them. When they’re not on my body, I mean. And they can’t all be on my body at once.

…ALL TYPOS, MISSPELLINGS, AND LACK OF LOGICAL COHERENCE ARE THE FAULT OF REDD’S APPLE ALE, KTHNXBYE.

Anywayz, back to my tax problems. About a week ago, in the course of rummaging for something else (church donation envelopes, I believe) (avoiding typos is getting harder, curse you, apple ale!), I came across my county tax invoice. Due Nov. 10. So I frantically wrote a check (seriously–immediately, even though it was around midnight, as if they would know when I put it in the envelope, when the mail wouldn’t be picked up until morning. Well, I mean it was technically morning, but…whatever). In case I thought they wouldn’t notice that it was a week late, they sent me an envelope addressed IN BLACK CAPITAL LETTERS, SO I’D KNOW IT WAS IMPORTANT, demanding a $7.95 late charge. So I paid my debt to society, and won’t have to go to debtors’ prison. (I always thought that was a dumb idea. How can you make money to pay your bills if you’re in jail? I guess your creditors get to stop by and laugh at you, which is as good as money, I guess.) Hey, if it was church envelopes I’d been looking for, I managed to render unto both Caesar and God at the same time! You know, the God/Mammon dichotomy…umm….I always pictured Mammon as looking like an elephant, by the way.

Why did I leave the light on in here? Don’t I know I prefer to write in the dark?

Ah. Much better.

IT CAN BE DONE

I did the traditional Black Friday at Walgreen’s (coupon for 25% off!), and didn’t trample anyone. I encountered the Tragically Hip Nikki (hope she found the 25% coupon!), and, as far as I could determine, she didn’t trample anyone either.

SEEN ON BUSCH LIGHT CARTON AT THORNTONS

“When the mountains turn blue, it’s colder than ice!” When the mountains turn blue, you’ve had too much to drink. (“Define ‘too much,'” they say. Well, after my first can of ale, I managed to embarrass Nick and annoy Rom, so my work here is done.)

SPEAKING OF MY WORK BEING DONE…

I was speaking of my (as-yet-unscheduled, so STOP SPECULATING!) retirement to Nick, and he said, “You mean your formal banishment?” To which I can only say, Takes one to know one.

I had more to say, but damned if I can remember any of it, so too damn bad. KTHNXBYE!

Oh! This post is dedicated to D., who has my icon on her homepage.

 

Clueless Drama

…but first, lest you think I do nothing but complain (but if you’re looking for anything else, you’re probably in the wrong place)…a huge THANK YOU to day shifters the other day, for postponing their food order until I stumbled in at 1100, and likewise to a certain merciful and compassionate BEAST who provided a ride home at the end of the 12 hours, and kept his claws retracted the entire time!

HOW TIRED WAS I?

Nick sent me a message, saying “I hope my dispatcher won’t stick me with a late run,” and I stupidly thought, “…who is his dispatcher?” before belatedly realizing it was me.

MY UNINTENTIONAL ADVENTURE

Today was my Black Friday–Senior Savings Day at Walgreen’s! 20% off for admitting you’re over 55, and they don’t even demand proof! So I picked up several small gifts, and then went and got my Thornton’s drink. As I was leaving, I saw a police car on the lot. The officer was dark-bearded, so I thought it might be Nick, but hey, they all have dark beards these days, so I couldn’t be sure. He headed for the lot exit, but then suddenly changed his mind and angled back around, pulling over in the corner. I thought, Surely that is Nick–he caught sight of me and decided to stay and torment me. So I headed for the squad car. He lowered the window (since officers are ever-ready to be approached by citizens demanding an answer to their legal problems), and I realized it wasn’t Nick, but I couldn’t figure out who it might be instead. He looked vaguely familiar, but, you know, dark beards, etc. (When I started, officers all had mustaches instead. People would call in and say, “I don’t know the officer’s name–he had a dark mustache,” and we thought, Yeah, that narrows it down.) Luckily, he was a normal human being, who was endowed with the facial-recognition software I lack, so he remembered who was.

“Sorry, I thought you were Nick,” I said, lamely. “He sometimes gives me a ride home.”

Now I’d managed to embarrass us both–of course, Officer Friendly then had to say, “Well, would you like a ride, then?” and I had to accept, lest it sound like he wasn’t good enough to give me a ride.

“What time do you have to be in?” he said, pulling out of the lot. I then realized he thought I was going to work, in which case I’d have been 2 hours late, and really shouldn’t have detoured to Thornton’s first. So I told him where I lived, and he turned around–at that point we were on Sonntag in front of Wesselman’s–and, wouldn’t you know it, he got a run. I silently hoped it wasn’t a high-priority run, but the dispatcher called 2 cars–I think the other one might have actually been Nick–so I was out of luck.

“You can let me out here,” I said helpfully. (Nick would have taken the bit in his teeth and turned the occasion into an impromptu ride-along at this point. Oh, wait–he had the opportunity once and refrained from doing so. Sorry for my slanderous remark.) So Officer Friendly pulled over and opened the window so I could let myself out. Of course, then I couldn’t find the door handle, even after flailing around wildly. Hey, the other night I tripped over my pants leg. The pants that I’d put on backwards before I left the house. Again.

Soooo, I ended up walking farther than I would have if I hadn’t accepted a ride. This is what we call irony. Nick, you can stop laughing now.

And, to reward you all for sticking with this unfortunate story to the oh-so-bitter end, I bring you a story that’s not all about me…

THE CLUELESS DRAMA AWARD GOES TO…

My caller the other night:

“My girlfriend and I live at the Royal Inn {a decidedly non-regal establishment}. She went to help clean the house of a woman we don’t know. She just texted me and said, ‘Help me! She won’t drive me home.’ So I want to report a kidnapping.”

It was in vain that I attempted to convince him that refusing to give someone a ride home is not, in fact, kidnapping. As I should know better than anyone, now that I think about it.

 

 

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