Alternative Facts

by pjmcbride

CRISIS IN PROGRESS

“Suspect was wearing a colorful muumuu.”

“Intoxicated subject got out of his car and tried to start a fight. Started to leave and now his car won’t start.”

MARKETING FAIL

EBay sends me emails regularly saying things like, “Paula! Check out what people are watching

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most on Ebay this week!” As if that determines my buying habits. But they recently sent me one that said, and I quote, “You’re really going to like this, FirstName!” You know me so well, AuctionSite!

ANOTHER MARKETING FAIL

Rom said he saw Donald Trump walk out on stage to the inspiring sound of the Rolling Stones’ “Heart of Stone.” Did Trump actually listen to the words of that song? At the risk of being sued by the watchful agents of Mick Jagger:

“There’ve been so many girls that I’ve known

I’ve made so many cry, and still I wonder why

Here comes a little girl, I see her walking down the street

She’s all by herself, but she’ll never break this heart of stone

What’s different about her? I don’t really know

No matter how I try, I just can’t make her cry

Don’t keep on looking that same old way

If you try acting sad, you’ll only make me glad”

Now if he only wants to go by the title, the Stones’ catalog has countless options, including As Tears Go By, Under My Thumb, and my favorite Stones song, Paint It Black. Rom suggests Sympathy for the Devil, but that might be too obvious.

FORCES ARRAYED AGAINST ME

–the President

–the bus service

–the Diocese of Evansville

List will be augmented as necessary.

ROBO-DISPATCH 3000!

At the rate they’re going computerizing everything, eventually the only thing that won’t be done by robots is answering the phone. But Rom said, “Wouldn’t it be great if robots did answer 911? They’d be impervious to the drama! All the screaming and cussing would have no effect!” Hey, just have robots answer the phone, and I’ll do everything else. I keep reading advice that says it’s foolish to retire at 62, but sometimes I think that I’ll Just Snap.

IT’S BEEN 30 YEARS…

We will soon be inundated by trainees, an event that resembles the Hunger Games, or maybe Survivor.

MEETING TRAINEES AS I LIKE TO IMAGINE IT

“Approach with caution. She has been here 30 years, and is very wise and very dangerous.”

–I emerge hissing from under a rock.

MEETING TRAINEES AS IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS

“This is Thing #1, #2, #3, #4, and #5.”

–I hurry past, avoiding eye contact.

THIS JUST IN

Fiona and Archer are, as you may remember, 5. Sample conversation from the back seat:

“She’s poking me with a sword!”

Mother: “Give me the sword.”

“Now she’s poking me with the sword holder!”

Mother: “Give me that, too. Don’t poke your brother.”

“I just wanted to show him how it feels.”

The relations among nations are determined by the same principles. Like the relations among nations, negotiations soon degenerated into a conflict over who had started it, and what importance that fact should have in the larger scheme of things.

IN CASE YOU WERE UNAWARE…

The title is taken from Kellyanne Conway’s term for what used to be known as lying.

WAR IS PEACE

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

 

 

 

 

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