A Typical Post

by pjmcbride

“It has been two months since you last posted.”  Yeah, about that…I’ve received a couple of requests. In fact, Nick is biting his lip until it bleeds.

Remember that I was in Blog School? Well, why would that give me Fear of Posting, especially on a blog I ALREADY HAVE? Because I am what I said I am, to quote the eminent Eminem. Speaking of which…

HOW I WEAR A “SUPPORT AUTISM” T-SHIRT

“Hey, is the print on this shirt navy blue?! I thought it was black! So I wore black pants! I better go check it in the sunlight to make sure. Oh, good, I was right the first time. That could have bothered me all day.” It wouldn’t have ruined my day, exactly, but I would have had to wear the same shirt with the correct pants at my earliest opportunity.

Anywayz, let’s pretend the last 2 months never happened, OK? OK, my first assignment was to write a post, of a sort which could be considered typical of what one might find here. “Like a mission statement, letting us know your blog’s focus.” Well, I got no mission, and I got no focus. All I got is a bunch of Andy Rooney-esque rants.  And to those who say Andy Rooney rants make one seem old, I say, Bite me. {“But you told me never to bite you again!” Nick whimpers. “After what happened last time…” Long-time readers, if any, will notice that his I.Q. has gone down steadily over the course of the blog,  like what they did with Homer Simpson.} Actually, I can remember a mission statement of sorts from a previous post–that I want to be the S.J. Perelman of my generation, and my generation doesn’t even know it needs an S.J. Perelman. But now that I think of it, Fran Lebowitz filled that position. So I got nothin’.

See, there’s something you can typically find on this blog! A flurry of punctuation and sentences you can’t diagram.

WICKED GRAVITY

Title stolen from, I mean courtesy of, Jim Carroll.

I think someone is sticking pins in voodoo dolls of us. First I got bitten by a dog in March. (I still have jaw marks on my leg.) Then Rom and I got a disgusting oozing rash on our arms, which (eventually) disappeared as mysteriously as it came. Then on May 20 I dislocated my finger, which is still in therapy, trying to recover from its trauma. Then on August 2 Rom, not to be outdone by some old finger, fell off a ladder and broke his heel. So now it’s like the blind leading the naked (phrase stolen from the Violent Femmes) around our house. Actually, the blind leading the naked would work out pretty well, if you think about it.

And what Typical Post would be complete without…

CRISIS IN PROGRESS: 911 OVERHEARD

“That’s not a terroristic threat, that’s a statement. Wait, how did we get from this to raping a child?”

“If you close the car door and keep the air conditioning on, I’m sure your cake will be fine until the police arrive.”

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