Why I’ll Win the Lottery

by pjmcbride

I saw an article about how winning the lottery usually ruins people’s lives. I thought I better find out why before buying a Powerball ticket.

  1. You end up blowing it on stupid self-destructive stuff, like a drug habit.
  2. You end up blowing it on “friends” who magically appear when you win it.
  3. Nothing in your life from here on can ever compare to the day you won the lottery.
  4. ACK THIS COMPUTER IS IN AUTOMATIC LIST-MAKING MODE HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP
  5. OK APPARENTLY I’M STUCK WITH IT SO
  6. I just won’t acquire any drug habits I don’t already have, which at the moment is none.
  7. I won’t acquire any new friends, either.
  8. I will hire Nick as my bodyguard to prevent anyone else from befriending me.
  9. Your life from here on is a letdown? That could happen with any good thing in your life, like, Nothing in my life can compare to the day of my wedding, or the day I won the Nobel Prize, or the day I crushed all my enemies.
  10. HOW MANY NUMBERS IS THIS DAMN THING GOING TO COUNT UP TO ANYWAY
  11. Naturally, Valentine’s stuff is in the stores already. I noticed a couple places don’t call it Valentine’s, but call it the Pink and Red department. I guess they found out that Valentine was a Christian saint.
  12. I’M SERIOUS, EVERY TIME I HIT RETURN IT DOES THIS AUTOMATICALLY
  13. Apparently word has gotten around that a teddy bear with a heart in it is the loser’s default gift. So CVS thought they’d class it up by offering a glass figurine of a teddy bear with a heart in it. At 2 for $10, you can get one for both of your baby mamas.
  14. My secret admirer could also get me a bunch of fake roses edged with scratchy glitter.
  15. Speaking of which, my Christmas present from Nick came in a gift bag encrusted with scratchy glitter, which promptly shed all over my carpet.
  16. I’m tired of my superpower of producing snot the color of emeralds.
  17. And my voice won’t let me get out more than 2 or 3 words–like “McChicken and small fries” or “Powerball ticket, please” without just stopping. It’s just Not There.
  18. OK, I didn’t actually say “please” in the above instance. Would you believe “please” was my first word? So my mother told me. (“And you’ve never said it since,” says Rom.)
  19. I HATE NUMBERS
  20. EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT WIN THE LOTTERY
Advertisements