Day Two: You Kids Get Out Of My Yard!

by pjmcbride

But first, let’s dispense with:

S.G. POST #2, 2/24/13: How I Got Beaten Up At Work

A few observations on this story of a former job (the story is 100% true, down to the names by which my co-workers chose to be known on the job):

  1. By now, a mere 2 years after I told the story, you might have forgotten what land-line phones once looked like, to understand why getting hit with one left me with a knot on my head you can still feel 40 years later, if you were to run your fingers through my hair. (Nick backs away, shoving his trembling hands in his pockets.)
  2. And, lest we always blame the criminal, I have to add that I kinda, sorta, could see why someone might feel like hitting me in the head with a blunt object in the course of a day’s work.

BUT BACK TO WHY WE SHOULD GET OUT OF THAT GUY’S YARD

Him: “There’s a guy stuck in my yard! You better get someone out here or I’m gonna shoot him!”

Me: “Why would you shoot him?”

Him: “Because he came up in my yard in his car and he won’t get out!”

Me: “But you said he was stuck in your yard! He can’t get out!”

Him: “Are you gonna get someone out here or not?!”

Why do I even try reasoning with people? By the way, yelling “Hurry!” does not decrease response time.

IT’S BEGINNING TO SMELL A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS

I am truly sorry I wrote that, and yet I can’t bring myself to delete it, BECAUSE…

Apparently the toilet-talking snowman was such a big seller for Walgreen’s last year that now they have a toilet-talking reindeer–because snowmen are so, well, last year. You know the drill–you put it on the back of your toilet, and it says stuff to your guests like:

“Oh, deer!” {get it? get it?} “Another visitor! You can see the moon from here! And believe me, I have!”

“How are you doing? Well, apart from the obvious!”

There were several more, but I haven’t the heart (or the hart! Get it?) to repeat them, because not only were they gross, they weren’t even funny.

 

“We reserve the right to anonymously monitor employees’ internet activity.” What the hell kind of a job is that?

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