Live-Blogging: Under Adverse Circumstances

by pjmcbride

I am about to attempt something that’s (probably) never been attempted before. And I may not be able to successfully complete it, so you’ve been warned.

BLOGGING DURING COLONOSCOPY PREP!

–which starts at 1800. It is now 1726. I already feel bloated from the pre-hydration routine. But how often can a 44oz soft drink actually be good for your health?

Speaking of which, the dietary restrictions for the previous week prevented me from getting a salad at McDonald’s in place of fries. But that was a sacrifice I was willing to make for my health.

OK. I have a desktop computer, and one especially for old folks at that (love it, by the way)–no laptop, no smartphone–so I can’t take it into the bathroom with me. And I promise to spare you any actual details, so read on with confidence. I’m just trying to keep myself entertained, and hopefully you as well. Sacrifices I’m willing to make, etc.

In the interest of delicacy, but to give you some idea of timing, any time I stop mid-sentence will mark an, um, interruption in the proceedings. Or maybe it’s the blogging that’s the interruption. Anyway, I anticipate doing a fair amount of whining, but you should be used to that by now, and usually with less cause, too. If I end up passing out, call 911. Tell them the World Leader sent you.

The condemned prisoner ate a last meal of fried eggs and milk (prepared by my loving husband, because if I’d been alone under these circumstances, I would surely not have bothered), before being made to drink antifreeze.

I have mixed the lethal solution. The powder really smelled like something I shouldn’t be drinking, but when mixed with water, it smelled like 7-Up. Luckily I have no particular feelings for or against 7-Up.

AT 1804

I have started the solution. It tastes pretty bad. You’re supposed to also drink an additional 16oz of water, and I welcomed the opportunity to get that taste out of my mouth. And if I thought I felt bloated before, imagine how I’ll feel after repeating this process 3 more times. And doing it all again AT 0700 TOMORROW–this is inhumane.

My computer is synced (sp?) to the Atomic Clock, so we’re now counting down to 1815. Suspense is mounting. Rom is wisely staying out in his workshop, but told me to call if I needed anything. I hear mid-period Miles Davis coming from out there. Very nice. (I dislike early- and late-period Miles Davis, so this is just right.)

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives….All we are is crusts in the wind, as Rom says.

1815

…and all’s well, except that I feel like a water balloon. Did I mention that it tastes gross?

Oh, great. Now I have hiccups.

This is not, by the way, my first, um, rodeo. For the one 10 years ago, I had to drink a gallon of stuff that tasted like cherry-flavored liquid chalk. Now I feel nostalgic for it.

Since he claims to only read blog posts that mention him…hi, Nick!

My lips feel dry. They caution against dehydration–could this be the first sign?

1830

My stomach hurts, as it will when you drink 16oz of water every 15 minutes.

Hmm…could they mean just drink the 16oz with the entire container of solution over the course of an hour? Oh well, I get the impression that you can hardly drink too much water during this process, so it can’t hurt. Well, it does hurt, but only a little. Mostly I just feel full as a tick, as Rom says.

Hmm, Rom just got a visitor. I don’t recognize the car. I’m not going out there, and they better not come in here.

1845

So, so gross. Gag me with a large obstacle fork, as a co-worker of Rom’s used to say.

And now we wait for, um, results.

2142

Well, that didn’t work out, because I didn’t dare get up.

PRO: The sink is right next to the toilet, so I could refill my trusty water glass. I lost count of how many glasses I drank.

CON: I forgot to bring a book. I got so starved for intellectual stimulation that I listened to all my phone’s ringtones, to confirm that I’d chosen the correct one. Then I read the back of the toilet paper package. “Wavy double diamonds and flowers emboss is a trademark.” And now it’s even stronger, “but still as soft as ever!” which I know to be a LIE!

I’m feeling a bit substandard now, so I’m signing off.

 

 

 

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