I Am Held Hostage By a Cat

by pjmcbride

Glamour, our calico, was fascinated by some product I used on my legs, and started clawing at me and licking. I ended up trapped in my own bathroom. Of course that didn’t last long, since she started trying to claw through the door.

My last post was quite popular (well, “popular” for me). Apparently getting rid of me is a topic with wide appeal.

WHY I WAS OVER ANSWERING PHONES AFTER 20 MINUTES

–1st call: “I just accidentally locked my dog in the car.”

“I’m sorry, officers don’t assist on that unless there is a child locked in the car.”

“Well, an officer helped me with it once before.” (A. So this is a habit with you? and B. Thanks a lot, mysterious officers who unlock cars against department policy!)

“Well, it’s still against department policy, so I can’t send an officer to do it. You’ll have to call a locksmith or a towing service.”

“I locked my phone in the car. I had to borrow this one.”

So I call the towing service for her. 5 minutes later she calls back–“Can you tell the towing service this is an extreme emergency?” I was beginning to feel like it was my fault she locked her keys in the car.

–2nd call (from a different person this time): “Can Animal Control come get my dog? He doesn’t get along with my other dogs. I can’t just shove him out the door, because I know he’d just come right back in.”

Okayyy…A. Animal Control is not the free solution to your pet behavior problems, and B. SERIOUSLY? YOU’D SERIOUSLY CONSIDER JUST ABANDONING YOUR DOG, IF HE’D ONLY GO AWAY AND NOT BOTHER YOU TO TAKE CARE OF HIM?

After that call I was seething (see? my heart is not completely inky-black like Nick said it is) (more like charcoal gray), and also beginning to wonder if I was in some alternate universe where I worked for  Animal Control.

Luckily, then there was Call #3:

“I want to report my car stolen. I think I know who did it.”

“And that is…?”

“The mother of my child.” Ah, baby-daddy culture. Brought to you by the Sexual Revolution.

And the 4th call…

“I NEED ANIMAL CONTROL OUT HERE, MY DOGS ARE FIGHTING AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!”

Sigh.

I finished up the shift with:

“I want you to treat this as an extreme emergency. {Seemed to be the catchphrase of the evening.} My neighbors are shooting off fireworks again, and I want you to insist that the officers speak to them.” I informed her that I don’t tell the police how to do their job.

Damn, do I sound burnt-out or what?

 

 

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