The Social Event of a Lifetime

by pjmcbride

my lifetime, that is. I’ve never had a full-fledged birthday party before, and I never plan to have one again. But this year, my birthday party actually is a thing! Brought to us courtesy of Rom. Whose birthday is today. But I learned better than to give him a party because, in a scene worthy of a sitcom, I once planned for people to meet at our favorite Chinese restaurant for a surprise dinner on his 40th. It was within walking distance, so it was easy to persuade him to go. But he wanted to go for lunch, not dinner, while I had made plans for dinner, not lunch. So, without giving away the surprise, I said, “I’d really rather have dinner than lunch,” and he said, “You mean I can’t even have what want on my own birthday?” and the conversation deteriorated from there until I finally burst out, “Because I’d planned a surprise party, that’s why!”

Anyway, I wanted to try having a party for my birthday for a change, and he knew better than to try a surprise one, because surprises lead to me darting under the furniture and having to be dragged out by the hair. I’m getting nervous about all the talk of spanking that co-workers have started, but I trust in Nick to protect me.

MORE BIRTHDAY-RELATED NEWS

There are numerous birthdays now. Apparently sex is a popular pastime during August/September. In chronological (by date, not year) order:

–Nick is a pitiable thing who was reduced to buying his own birthday cake. But at least he smells fresh and friendly, thanks to dabbing Fresh Blast Right Guard on his wrists and under his ears.

–My profound apologies to the FOXY LADY, who did not get any recognition of her birthday here because, well, because I didn’t post that day.

–Rom turned 64 at 4:35pm today. The day he was born set the heat record for this date, which remains unbroken as of today. The question arises, as it must for all boomers, “Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64?”

—-Need: more than ever

—-Feed: I’ve never fed him anyway, so nothing has changed. I have not had to cook since 1978.

POWER CORRUPTS, BUT THE LACK OF POWER CORRUPTS EVEN QUICKER

Speaking of Nick and what he’s been reduced to, the power went out last night. To save hot water (the water heater is gas, but maybe it has an electric ignition switch or something), I showered Army-style–washing only the crucial areas mentioned in Nick’s Field Sanitation Manual, by the light of a camping lantern which my sister gave me in the futile hope that I’d develop an interest in camping. Still, it beat showering in the backyard by dusk-to-dawn light with a garden hose, which I have also done. Rom held the hose.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE WORLD TODAY

At McDonald’s, I overheard a 9 or 10-year-old girl, of the sort we’re not supposed to call “bossy” these days, inform her mother that she was embarrassed by the fact that the mother wore makeup, and when her mother mildly objected to this, the girl said, “Don’t argue with me!”

IN THE SPIRIT OF THE BATTLE BETWEEN THE HUMIDIFIER AND THE DEHUMIDIFIER

This town currently has both a Unity Taxi Service and a Diversity Taxi Service. Which would you rather have, unity or diversity? Or how about forgetting about abstract ethical concepts altogether and just sending me a cab?

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