Reporting Live From Crazy Town

by pjmcbride

…brought to you by a person who was singing “Psycho Killer” at the bus stop. (The Doors’ “Universal Mind” is another favorite for this purpose.)

CLICK BAIT IN THE TRUEST SENSE

How could you not click on the headline “Charles Manson Breaks Engagement; Fiancee Only Wanted His Corpse”? She planned to display it and charge admission, apparently. I think they should get married–it’s a match made in heaven! Or some place that starts with an H, anyway.

IN RELATED NEWS…

How could you find any news related to that, you wonder? By stalking other people’s Facebook posts! It is not, either, stealing. At any rate (to use one of Rom’s favorite expressions), there is an online store that offers accessories made of HUMAN LEATHER. Quite the conversation starter! Or ender.

The Facebook post I stalked was that of the Tragically-Hip One, whom I would like to congratulate on completing 18 successful years of employment here! I remember her mother, with whom I also worked (and her sister–apparently her family was some type of dispatcher-breeding facility) saying, “Nikki, she’s a…free spirit.” (“Why am I being written about by someone who doesn’t say a word to me when we pass in the hallway?” Nikki wonders. Because that’s how it works in Crazy Town!)

IT’S VALENTINE’S SEASON, SO IT MUST BE TIME FOR…

–Personal lubricant on sale at Walgreen’s!

–Body wash that promises “12-hour fragrance release when you rub your skin!” I actually bought this product (how could I not? it was rose-scented!), and will report back when I test it on my days off. (In case it smells so great that I just sit there rubbing myself.)

–Radio commercial for a jewelry store: “We have diamond engagement rings from $500 up to…however far your love takes you! {Subtext: The more you love her, the more you’ll spend!} Or, if you just want to express your affection, we have a variety of heart-shaped jewelry!” (Subtext: If you want to express your affection, but don’t want to marry her. As the old Knack song says, “I don’t wanna be your boyfriend forever–I just wanna touch!”)

“Thornton’s–your Valentine destination!” If you don’t even want to buy heart-shaped jewelry. The intermediate stage, of course, is the teddy bear with a heart on it. (Note to my secret admirer: My teddy bear should be white, since my actual childhood teddy bear was white. That must be why, to this day, the polar bear is my favorite bear.)

Speaking of my secret admirer, let us spare some sympathy for Ol’ Nick, who has been throwing up hairballs lately. It is unknown where he has been finding hair to swallow.

 

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