I Get Meta and Stuff

by pjmcbride

 

Did you know that self-denigrating blog posts have become a cliché? You did? {Wow, did you know that WordPress automatically inserts the accent mark when you type “cliché”? Cool!} However, I claim a Satirical Exemption from cliché status.

WORTHY OF A SITCOM

I hesitate to say “I couldn’t make this stuff up,” because I’m defensive about whatever creativity I possess, so let’s just say I didn’t make this up.

Caller: “I have a friend who won’t give me my car keys.”

Your Humble Narrator: “What’s the address?”

C: {Proceeds to give me an incorrect address, which she excuses by saying “I’m not from around here.” That beats the woman who once told me she couldn’t say if she was driving east or west because “I’m from Kentucky.” However, we finally figure it out.}

YHN: “So your friend won’t give you the keys–”

C: “Yes, and he locked himself in my car, and then he pulled out the shotgun, and y’know…”

YHN: {seizing upon the casually-spoken detail}: “He pulled out a shotgun? What was that about?”

C: “Oh, just saying he wasn’t going to get ripped off, y’know.”

YHN: {acquiring a clue}: “So is this a drug deal, or…” {pausing delicately to allow her to insert a more-respectable euphemism}

C: “Oh no, nothing like that. I’m a private dancer. I do private dances, and he–”

YHN: “So he’s not a friend, he’s a…” {John? Trick?}

C: “Client.”

So I’m guessing he heard the words “does private dances” and thought “performs oral sex in her car.” Or maybe he just thought of the Tina Turner song.

OVERHEARD FROM ACROSS THE ROOM

“No, don’t tell me your dream, I need to know why you need the police.”

By the way, I am wearing a light green sweater and jeans. Yes, it’s the same sweater I wore for the last post, and yes, I washed it before wearing it again. You people are too inquisitive.

WORLD LEADER PRETEND–BECAUSE SOMEBODY’S GOTTA DO IT

Most of the Christmas lights I have seen so far have been white. White lights are not forbidden. They are, however, boring. Please exercise less good taste when decorating.

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