User’s Guide 2.0

by pjmcbride

Brought to you by Redd’s Apple Ale–now in cans for my convenience! Ooh, the pull tab is red–how exciting! It’s not quite cold yet, but I’m carrying on bravely anyway. And I have a new can cozy, which I paid 99 of my own cents for, because the one I got from my stepdaughter (by saying, “Are you going to use this?”) is wearing out under the strain of too many cans of Diet 7-Up.

Yeah, I’m on vacation again, hence the apple ale.

It occurs to me that I can indeed offer useful information for new readers, by repeating/refreshing the old information. So here goes:

HISTORY

I like to say I invented the blog, which causes people to raise their eyebrows and edge away slowly. S.G.. was originally an e-mail sent out to a dozen or so co-workers beginning in 1990, when we were going through a stressful (made extra-stressful by bad management) transition time at work. You can find an account of that buried somewhere deep in the archives. I know I’m supposed to link to it, but I can’t figure out how to do that, which is something you’ll get used to after awhile. This publication was eventually transferred to the Internet, where it has a readership of, oh, about the same as it had back then.

CATEGORIES & SUBCATEGORIES, ALIVE ALIVE-OH

You can, I’m pretty sure, click on these and get posts that feature the type of material you’re seeking (or the type you’re seeking to avoid, like if you’re sick of reading about Nick. I must caution you, however, that many posts fit into more than one category, so your avoidance may be incomplete.)

CRISIS IN PROGRESS: Stories of the bizarre and infuriating from the world of 911. The title derives from a button I saw at a truck stop, on the way to a mandatory training session. No, the session was not held at a truck stop. It would have been less boring if it had been.

SUBCATEGORY–CONSIDER THE SOURCE

I often forget to use this. Work-related misinformation.

SUBCATEGORY–RUMOR CENTRAL SEZ

They used to always keep things hush-hush, because “We don’t want rumors to get started”–unaware of the fact that THEY GET STARTED ANYWAY. Caution when perusing this section–sometimes I start them myself.

SUBCATEGORY–THEATER OF CRUELTY

Material dealing with the aforementioned Nick the Beast, a member of the police department and licensed to tase and stuff. He started life as a dispatcher, and was so impressed with me when I trained him (an experience I have absolutely no memory of), that he set himself to befriending me by the time-tested method of Cornering & Pestering, and I’ve been making him pay for it ever since.

FANBASE FOLLIES: Material about you, the readers. Whether callous neglect or feverish up-sucking, my temperament is to believe in extremes, as R.E.M. says.

LET’S GET SERIOUS: Just what it says. I’m outraged, or at least indignant, about something, and you need to know.

MILDLY AMUSING ADVENTURES: My daily life outside of work, about which some people care, for some reason. I have many opinions, and you have to read them all here. Otherwise you’d never know, since I don’t talk.

SOCIAL PAGE: Again, just what it says. Reviews of any social event I’ve been invited to. These are few and far between.

STAB FROM THE PAST: Past history (um, what other kind is there?).

WORLD LEADER PRETEND: The title is another theft from R.E.M. What I’d do if I ruled the world.

SUBCATEGORY–CONSPIRACY NEWS

In a world of countless conspiracy theories, I add my own. This one has the advantage of being completely made up. As World Leader, I battle my nemeses the Baby Corn (in the spring/summer) and the Dancing Union Suit (fall/winter), with the aid of my faithful companion, reader, and former co-worker the Foxy Lady, who actually came up with these entities.(Not only do I make stuff up, I steal a lot.)

I’m thinking of adding a new category, WATCH OUT–I’M DRUNK!, which is, again, self-explanatory, although that won’t stop me from attempting to explain it.

OK, tune in at sometime in the future for ACTUAL CONTENT! Although I can’t guarantee I won’t wander back here when I’ve finished this can of ale. Off to try nail-polishing under the influence–try this only at home!

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