Incisive Social Criticism and Stuff

by pjmcbride

I knew I should have waited until after watching TV before posting, because now I’ve got–

NEW PRODUCT NEWS!

What the World Has Been Waiting For: There’s now a wristband that you can program with your personal fitness goals, and if you don’t fulfill those goals, it GIVES YOU AN ELECTRIC SHOCK. You heard that right–it’s like a taser you use on yourself! Not only does it shock you, it DEDUCTS MONEY FROM YOUR ACCOUNT (and where does that money go? to the manufacturer? to charity? to that retirement account you’ve been having trouble saving for?), and POSTS ON FACEBOOK “I didn’t go to the gym today.” But why stop with fitness? I’ve been battling the forces of inertia all my life, and so I could have “I didn’t clean out the closet today,” “I didn’t work on my novel today”–the possibilities are endless! Soon I would be sore, broke, and afraid to get on Facebook. But what about shocking other people?? Hey, Nick, I have a bracelet for you…

AND SPEAKING OF DIETING…

Some fast-food place is advertising bologna-and-Velveeta breakfast biscuits. Really?? Velveeta is what they put on cheeseburgers in Hell.

THIS JUST IN…

Fiona, who is still 3, informs us that Bingo Pingo does live in the woods, but not in some primitive hollow tree. He lives in a house.

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