Whatever Is Not Forbidden Is Compulsory

by pjmcbride

In case you’re wondering, a pedestrian wanting to cross the street still has the right of way over a motorist wanting to turn right on red, kthnxbye! Someday I will kick someone’s car. Then they’ll call the cops, then Nick will give me a ride home (whether I’m ready to go home or not) to defuse the situation. Or maybe I’ll kick him, if sufficiently provoked. I almost did kick him at Thornton’s once, because another officer told me to. I wonder how that would play out in court.

I just reached into my backpack to get Zyrtec (actually, in the interests of accuracy, the CVS generic equivalent), and discovered the lid had come off the bottle. So now there are 38 of those suckers rattling around in the bottom of my backpack, and I’ll have to find and count them all. %&$! AND in the course of doing that, I just discovered a coupon for the razors I bought today at full price,  &*$#@!^%!!! I hate everyone, myself most of all.

Back again, and I ONLY FOUND 37. I just have to tell myself that I must have taken one more than I remembered. (NO, I don’t keep count of how many I take; I just happened to remember because I’d recently started the bottle.) The matter of the forgotten coupon, however, will trouble me every time I use those razors until I have finished the package, and then the memory will slowly fade.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT (HOW I DO STUFF)

–I’m sure it’s a matter of interest to all, and if not, don’t tell me, or you’ll hurt my feelings.

–A CD (YES, I still listen to CDs, SHUT UP!) must be listened to in its entirety, because doing it any other way would be immoral.

–How to choose a seat at a restaurant, waiting room, or public conveyance: As far away from other people as possible. Bonus points if it’s tucked into a corner, out of the line of sight of the employees. Which is kind of odd, because it’s not like I’m planning to do anything they’d disapprove of.

–Everything I’m wearing must match to the best of my ability, so I don’t have to decide which underwear, socks, jewelry, etc. to wear. I don’t know how other people handle these decisions. This is not an absolute rule, but is subject to other conditions. For example, my brown chinos would best match the t-shirt I’m wearing today, but I plan on wearing them Friday, because I’ll have an intern sitting with me that day (DON’T get me started on that, it’s gotten me in trouble before), and I wear chinos and a polo shirt on days when I’m Representing the Department, so I want to make sure they’re clean and available. (So you see, Nick, that’s what I’d be wearing on our ridealong. Unless you have other preferences.) I substituted jeans, which, they tell me, go with anything.

–I prefer to eat all of one thing on my plate, then all of the next thing, etc., so I don’t have to decide which one to take a bite of next. I eat the least-liked thing first (relatively-speaking, since I don’t eat anything I actually dislike) (first use of partial-word italics, wow!), then move on in ranked order, finishing with my favorite part of the meal. I’m not sure this is a wise strategy–what if I have a heart attack in the middle of the meal and die and never get to the best stuff?–but I feel disinclined to change it. I prefer not to have the different foods touching each other on the plate, and will usually avoid eating any that have mixed together. (My mother used to say, “Why do you care? They all mix together in your stomach.” Yeah, and how do we feel about them if we encounter them coming back up again, AM I RIGHT?)

Speaking of fashion (as I was, before I started speaking of vomit), did you know you could sprain your wrist carrying home fall fashion magazines? But I must do so, or how else would I know about the New Superstraight Hair? Luckily, I still have the Old Superstraight Hair on hand, or on head.

I saw a wolf spider on my porch, which was larger than I think a spider really needs to be. But, World Leader, they say, surely you’re going to tell us how these things reproduce, as you always do? Well, the female guards her egg sac (as “sack” is always spelled when you’re talking about what the Bible calls “living creatures which swarm upon the earth”), and in some species, when the spiderlings hatch, they crawl up on her back! How cute.

The Taco Johns I am currently eating bills itself as “The Best Part Of Your Day.” Hmm. I think the best part of my day was actually last night, watching an episode of “Sherlock” (interspersed, as always, with Rom poking me whenever Sherlock does something which reminds him of me). But no, that was before midnight. I’ll just have to report back at the end of the day. I think, to even be in the running, Taco Johns needs to cut back on their use of Lawry’s seasoned salt. (The above opinions are not those of Lawry’s.)

Welll…I was told my change was in the bottom of my bag, which I just threw out anyway. So now I’m digging through discarded food to get 6 cents. I lost heart after recovering the (now-greasy) nickel, though. But the knowledge that the penny is still in there is troubling me, and I can’t guarantee I won’t go back in after it. Did my horoscope say anything about spending the day digging through the bottom of containers? I’ll be rummaging in dumpsters next.

THINGS I’M PRETTY SURE HAVE NEVER BEEN SAID ON THE AIR BEFORE TODAY

–“macaroni and cheese”

–“atmospheric haze”

 

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