July 4th Follies

by pjmcbride

Yeah, it’s two days later, but it’s not like I’m under contract or anything.

RED, BLACK AND BLUE

Because I didn’t have any white garments available, my outfit consisted of black U.S.A. t-shirt, blue crop pants, and red socks. “But, World Leader,” they say, “doesn’t wearing socks kind of cancel out the coolness of crop pants?” Yeah, but I hate the look/feel of shoes without socks, so what else can I do? “Wear sandals?” they offer timidly. I will take this suggestion under advisement for next year.

FIREWORKS: THREAT OR MENACE?

Why do people bring their own fireworks TO A FIREWORKS DISPLAY? I have to say, I was scandalized to come here and find out that non-professionals can buy their own fireworks. Not to sound Big City or anything, but it makes us seem kind of redneck. Especially with the houses catching on fire and all.

Speaking of which, the paper felt compelled to mention that you shouldn’t drag a lit grill behind your vehicle. “Why would you?” comes to mind. Perhaps someone could answer that for us. See, I don’t have all the answers after all.

THIS JUST IN

More details have come to light on the temporary murder of Bingo Pingo. Turns out that he was standing on a log, and a witch came up behind him and pushed him. But wouldn’t you think that a witch could use spells, rather than the primitive and risky method of pushing someone off a log? For that matter, what about the deaths of Honn-Ghost and Fronn-Ghost? They’re ghosts–weren’t they already, by definition, dead? Mysteries abound.

CORRECTION

Because I believe in responsible journalism, I must state that the color scheme of the women’s restroom at Thornton’s is, like that of the men’s room, tan and brown. But a different shade of tan and brown.

BECAUSE I CAN’T RESIST A DARE…

Rom and I were talking about Martin Luther’s “95 Theses” (it only came up in passing) (AMATEUR THEOLOGIANS, UNITE!), and he said he thinks I could come up with 95 World Leader edicts. I told him I doubted I had that many in me, but he assured me I was mistaken. So perhaps I’ll get started on that, but I’ll have to work on it in fits and starts (I have a fit, then I start), in between my other important projects.

Time to go eat more pink cupcakes.

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