Read It and Weep     

by pjmcbride

…as usual.

WordPress told me “Your blog is getting a lot more traffic than usual!” Yeah, that’s what 3 people staying up all night catching up will do for you. Staying up all night reading this thing would be–well, an experience. I’m not sure I’d be up for it.

MY BIRTHDAY A MONTH LATER

Introduced, I am ashamed to admit, on May 14…

THE TOILET OF YOUR DREAMS

The AT200 Smart Toilet from DVX, subsidiary of American Standard, which is currently owned by Lixil Co. in Japan (?!) features:

–hands-free flushing (because who has the time?)

–an automated lid that opens and closes (well, one hopes)

–a seat warmer (but no seat cooler for summer)

–an adjustable two-nozzle water spray system for front and rear cleansing with integrated air dryer (write your own joke, because I’m not going to do it for you)

–a nightlight (in the toilet? Give Light And The People Will Find Their Way.)

–a massager (because it has been the dream of all humanity through the ages to have someone–or something–massage your butt. I assume that’s what’s being massaged here.)

All this for $6000. It would have made a great birthday present.

A SCRATCHY GLITTER BEAUTY TIP

Don’t get Metamucil in your hair (don’t ask, won’t tell).

THE BEAST IS BACK

Nick has returned from the abode of misery and filth, but must spend several days being gradually reintegrated into society. While he was gone, his owner removed all the mirrors from his enclosure, because he had been attempting to mate with his reflection.

CRISIS IN PROGRESS: WHY PEOPLE CALL 911

–because a guy is skipping in the street

–because there’s a ten-year-old boy outside your house threatening to beat up your family

–because you want to evict your landlord who’s been living with you

–because someone parked a car across the street, left it there all day, and then came back and got into it and just sat there

–because someone who threatened to beat you up last year saw you today and smiled.

 

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