Fitness for the Position

by pjmcbride

Apparently the meaning of Memorial Day is to get just as drunk as you can and crash your motorcycle.

WORLD LEADER PRETEND–PROSCRIBED PHRASES

I do not want to ever again hear:

–“terroristic threatening”

–“he put his hands on me”

–“I want him escorted off my premises”

–“you better get someone out here”

CRISIS IN PROGRESS–STUFF I DIDN’T MAKE UP

–Subject was letting her dog urinate off the balcony, which dripped onto the residents of the group home in the apartment below. Animal Control came out and issued a citation. Subject expressed her dissatisfaction with this by dumping a bucket of water off the balcony onto the residents, and jumping up and down on her floor, which was the caller’s ceiling. This behavior was succinctly summed up as “generally acting a fool.”

–“A guy in an ice cream truck is following and threatening me. He said his supervisor told him to do this.” I said kthnxbye and hung up quickly because I was about to burst out laughing. Then a colleague took a call: “I drive an ice cream truck, and I saw another ice cream truck, and that guy keeps following and threatening me.” Yes, TWO ICE CREAM TRUCKS WERE DRIVING IN CIRCLES THREATENING EACH OTHER. AND EACH ONE THOUGHT THE OTHER HAD STARTED IT. You know the old children’s story where the tigers chased each other around the tree until they turned into butter? (You do know it, right? I’m not the only one?) I guess these guys went round and round until they turned into melted ice cream. I so, so didn’t make this up. But I wish I had.

SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND

If you’re going to do the murder-for-hire thing for insurance money, first make sure you actually are the beneficiary of the policy.

AN OBSERVATION WHICH SEEMS RANDOM, BUT IS ACTUALLY A CLEVER SEGUE:

I’m not usually drawn to Disney movies, but that “Maleficent” one actually looks pretty good. However, it occurs to me…

ME AS I SEE MYSELF: MALEFICENT

ME AS I ACTUALLY AM: A TROLL UNDER A BRIDGE

..which leads me inexorably to…

DEAR NICHOLAS:

Your Bestial Majesty:

You requested I send you my resume for the position of resident troll under your bridge. I am not entirely sure why you would trust me that close to your house, because  I will most assuredly look in your windows. Nevertheless, here is the information you requested:

Summer, 1972: feature writer for local women’s newspaper. My crowning achievement was a several-page spread on fashions for the different astrological signs. Paper folded after one issue. Surely I was not to blame.

Summer, 1973: rewriting press releases for local business paper. Duties included listening to Pink Floyd and narrowly avoiding getting my finger sliced off in a paper cutter. I was let go when the boss realized he could rewrite press releases himself.

Early 1974: typist at a typesetting service. I was let go for being a lousy typist.

1974-1976: carburetor repair factory. Got along so badly with other employees that I was put in a department by myself. Got so badly bored that I quit without notice, and buried my phone under my dirty laundry on the closet floor so I couldn’t hear when they called me back.

1977: alarm service. Alienated other employees by not following dress code, even though I was told when I was hired that there was no dress code. I was let go when I burst into tears when we got busy during a storm.

Later in 1977: Got a job with a dress code so lax that we could come to work in nightclothes, still managed to alienate other employees by not following it. Quit after being beaten up on the premises.

1978-1980: Started career in government service at the Recorder of Deeds office in St Louis. Quit to support myself by writing. Failed to do so.

Halloween 1984: Started in Police Records. Corrected officers’ deplorable errors in their affidavits of probable cause. Occasionally acted as a Notary Public, which got me out of the office, even though I didn’t want to get out of the office. Leaped at chance to transfer to Radio, which seemed glamorous and exciting.

Sept. 1986–present: THE BOSS OF YOU AND YOUR KIND.

–As you can see, my disagreeable temperament and inability to dress appropriately do indeed qualify me for the position, just as you suspected. We do, however, need to discuss my salary requirements, since I do not eat frogs.

 

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