Do Try This At Home

by pjmcbride

PRODUCT TESTING AT MY PLACE

I received an incredibly dense chocolate cake for my birthday from my sister. (It’s almost finished now, which shows how fast two people can work in three days, considering I received it Wednesday.) With the aid of this cake, we were able to finally answer the question, Is chocolate better than sex? The answer is, Not Quite. It may be better than anything else you could have after sex, though.

And, lest you think product testing is a one-time thing in this household–with a precision that Consumer Reports would approve of, I tried a Gillette Venus razor on one leg and a Schick Quattro on the other, to compare and contrast their properties.

THE LATEST EXAMPLE OF RADAR LOVE

Also for my birthday (yes, you must know all about it–you should realize that by now), Rom put together a cactus garden for me. This is rather eerie, because I’d recently been thinking about my childhood efforts in this direction, but I don’t remember ever telling Rom about it, nor does he remember me doing so. Between cacti, roses and cats–everything’s better with thorns! To illustrate, the Amazing Esmerelda celebrated the anniversary of her adoption the other day by being quite the Bucket of Points with her catnip ball. Glamour had too much catnip and started kicking herself in the head, but these things happen.

OH, AND THEN THERE’S THIS

Why was there a police car in my driveway? It must be St. Nick and even-more-Saintly Sam delivering my birthday present! They gave me a strawberry chapstick and a sympathy card. (The latter was to offer condolences for all the fun I was missing by refusing Nick’s offer of a birthday ride-along.) Chapsticks were 3 for $3 at Walgreen’s, so I’m sure they picked up a couple for themselves as well, since the police department doesn’t issue those. Although they should, because the discomfort of chapped lips would surely be a distraction in the performance of an officer’s duties.

CORRECTING COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT NICK

He does not breathe fire, nor is he foul-smelling. He would probably prefer to have both those attributes, but we must learn to live with our limitations.

I MAY BE OLD, BUT AT LEAST I’VE SEEN BLUE OYSTER CULT MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT

The radio was boasting about “The best music from the 80’s and 90’s on Retro Rewind Weekend!” I came of age in the 70’s, and I pronounce the music of the 80’s and 90’s limp and flaccid by comparison, at least as featured there. “I just diiieed in your arms tonight, it must have been something you said” (I may have a sharp tongue, but I’ve never actually killed anyone)(well, unless they crawled home to die and I didn’t find out about it, I suppose) was followed by “What is the meaning of love? Don’t hurt me anymore.” I detect a pattern here.

SPECIES OF PARASITIC WASP DISCOVERED THAT STINGS ITS INSECT HOST IN THE BRAIN!

–I admire its aim.

Time for a manicure (rose-gold foil effect, I believe) and reading about Catholic liturgy and theology during the Dark Ages, plus I better get started on tonight’s apple ale project, or I’ll never finish my 12-pack by the end of my vacation.

 

 

 

 

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