Something Twisted and Sinister

by pjmcbride

But first, Worst Product Launch Award goes to chocolate-flavored toothpaste. Hey, I use toothpaste because of chocolate.

A MR. MAGOO MOMENT

(And, to those who don’t get the reference, may I just point out that Google is your friend.)

–I have truly terrible eyesight. I took my glasses off tonight, prior to pulling off my shirt, saw a flash of white behind the chair in the bedroom, and started talking affectionately to my black-and-white cat. Turns out I was talking to the table leg.

Someone was surprised to find out I like “Justified.” People seem to think I’m a schoolmarmish type who doesn’t drink or cuss. Actually, I dream to someday be drunk enough to do karaoke to “House of the Rising Sun.” It would be especially worthwhile because I’ve come up with alternate lyrics, to fit my own personal life story.

JUSTIFYING TODAY’S TITLE

It occurs to me that my rendezvous with Nick & Sam & Hollie at Thornton’s the other day could be referred to as a meeting of the Sarcasm Club. However, it’s hard to look down on other people when your clubhouse is a convenience store.

I told Nick I didn’t think he would want me as a ridealong, considering my behavior in the squad car the other day. He assured me my struggles would soon subside. For some reason, I did not find this reassuring, but rather the reverse. Perhaps it was his use of the phrase “a state of frozen horror.”

GETTING ON MY LAST NERVE, AND I DON’T HAVE MANY TO SPARE

A caller told me, “I can’t give you the license number if you won’t listen to me!” Please spare me your condescension, since I can’t get the information I need in the order I need it if you’re yelling a license number in my ear as soon as I answer the phone. And no, don’t speed up after the reckless driver so you can read it. And, having done so anyway, don’t add, “And I’ve got my kids in the car!” You’re part of the problem, kthnxbye.

 

Advertisements