From Erections to Kittens

by pjmcbride

This title was meant to illustrate the range of topics one might expect to find here, but kittens are the result of erections, aren’t they?

ERECTIONS

From Phillips 66, YOUR LIFESTYLE SOURCE, we have MALE STAMINA POWDER! “Swish and Swallow!” I swear, that’s what it says. “Acts in 30 minutes!” I guess you sit around twiddling your, um, thumbs for half an hour, and then JUMP ON IT, BEFORE IT GOES AWAY! Is there some epidemic of erectile dysfunction in this town? Judging from the number of baby-daddy calls I take daily, I would say not. And, although They tell us “It is not your job to judge callers’ life choices,” I’m going to do it anyway, and say that society was better off without this epidemic of baby-daddyism.

DRUNKER THAN I’VE EVER BEEN

Nick & Sam had a run tonight (and no one made them take this job) (although we did make them take this particular run) of a naked drunk woman inside a man’s house. He had “let her in so she could sober up,” and she urinated on his floor. Then she got blood on his floor, and said that he’d tried to rape her. Investigation determined this was not the case, so I’m guessing it turned out to be her period.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE…

–“I need the police because I went over to talk to my friend, and she punched me in the face, and we ended up grappling in her yard.” Now correct me if I’m wrong (go ahead, I dare you), but someone I’m grappling with in a yard is not going to be a friend. Well, I guess it depends on what you mean by grappling.

…AND SPEAKING OF GRAPPLING…

These two stories were featured in my original Newsletter, many long years ago, but readers enjoyed them, so I think they bear repeating:

–Once when Rom and I were engaged in, um, grappling in our bedroom, he ended up kicking the window and cracking it. The best part of the story was before we moved out, when the landlord was inspecting the place to see if we’d get the damage deposit back, he asked how the window got cracked, and Rom, who is normally painfully honest, said, “It was, um, that strong wind we had the other night.” It took the hope of a damage deposit to keep me from laughing.

–And once, while grappling by candlelight, as is our custom, the candle set off the smoke alarm. I’m just glad we figured out what it was instead of calling the fire department. Which reminds me of a fire run I once dispatched–“Investigate a smell of burning rubber in caller’s bedroom.” Or a police run, “Investigate a report of a female screaming inside a house,” where the officer’s summation was, “Um, this wasn’t domestic violence.”

(“These stories sure do bear repeating,” they say. “Because we were really wanting to hear stories about your sex life.”)

AND SPEAKING OF ROM….

I would like to thank Rom’s sister for going on at length to family friend Doris (glad to meet you, Doris! hope you found your way to this blog!) about how brilliant, honest, and multi-talented Rom is. It’s all true, and makes me feel somewhat inferior, since I am only uni-talented, depending on whether sarcasm is actually a talent.

REPRINTED FROM FACEBOOK

Rom’s said sister offered me a lift to work, after I encountered her this afternoon. I said her truck door was locked, since I couldn’t get it open. “You just need to pull really hard,” she said. I did, no luck. “No, it really is locked,” I said. My mother-in-law came over and opened it for me. My mother-in-law is 85 years old. I can’t get out of vehicles without assistance, either.

IN CASE YOU’RE CURIOUS…

…about what Nick’s tail looks like–it looks like a snapping turtle’s tail, except longer, of course.

KITTENS

Overheard from across the room–“Sir, did you say the kittens are enclosed in plastic? Could you remove the plastic, so they can breathe?” Reminds me of a call back in the 80’s where a woman gave birth in the toilet. (She hadn’t known she was pregnant, and thought it was an attack of indigestion.) My colleague asked her, “Ma’am, have you removed the baby from the toilet yet?” We can take nothing for granted.

 

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