Sherlockian Debauchery

by pjmcbride

…as Rom characterized my last post. I suppose to get more uninhibited, I’d need four bottles of beer. Or a bigger audience.

THE BLIND LEADING THE NAKED

Our bathroom light fixture has been malfunctioning, and tonight it shut off while I was in the shower. So I was both blind and naked.

THE SCRATCHY GLITTER GUIDE TO A LIFE OF CRIME

1. Drive carefully.

2. Keep your car registration up to date. Fix all broken taillights.

3. Don’t get a marijuana-leaf tattoo.

4. Don’t get a tattoo that that says “Dead Men Tell No Tales” if you plan on murdering someone.

5. Most important of all, don’t have that tattoo read “Dead Man Tell No Tells.” I kid you not.

MY PERSONAL LIFE OF CRIME

Hmm, where might one find Nick these days? I know! Curled up behind a nearby dumpster, after gorging himself on the contents. (His owner won’t let him eat garbage at home.)

Look, he’s dreaming! Isn’t that cute? His tail tip is twitching and tickling his ear. I wonder what such a beast dreams about?

Time to grab the tail and give a good hard YANK and–

–he awakens with an earsplitting screech. “No, please! Not the spiders! Not on my head!” He looks at me confusedly, and accusingly. “You had a bag of spiders. You were going to dump them on my head.”

“Nonsense,” I say, steadying my voice (since such panicked flailing of claws and tail is a little bit unsettling). “Besides, don’t you eat spiders?”

He looks at the ground. “Maybe.”

“Anyway,” I continue briskly, “I have a proposal for our ridealong.”

“Which is scheduled when??”

“Settle down. It probably won’t even happen, but it’s best to be prepared. I have a deal for you.”

“No deals. I already told you–”

“Hear me out. In exchange for good treatment, I offer you”–I count off on my fingers–“no more late runs, no more having to ask if you’re clear for a meal, no more being told to stand by when you have traffic. Anything else I do that annoys you? Name it.”

He regards me steadily, hoping to stare me down, but I’ve been practicing staring contests with my cats, so he has no luck. “Everything you do annoys me. But…no.”

“But why not? I’m prepared to be very generous.”

“Because–” grinning suddenly–have I mentioned that his teeth are sharp? and numerous?–“you’ll agree to all those things in the course of our ridealong, anyway.”

Damn. Guess my only course now is to start gathering spiders.

To be continued…but you knew that.

 

 

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