Moody and Inconclusive

by pjmcbride

…is how Rom categorized my fiction writing. Such as it is.

THEATER OF CRUELTY 2.0

This was my first day of dispatching the traveling road show of Nick and his new partner Sam-I-Am. (The latter’s feelings about green eggs and ham have not been determined as of this writing, but she seems to feel positively about green food in general, since she doesn’t realize that peas are gross. And Nick puts PEAS AND CARROTS IN RICE, which is just unspeakable.) The last run I gave them: Numerous pickup trucks on the lot of Sonic with alcohol in the vehicles. This is how you Sonic! (“It isn’t how I Sonic,” Nick said primly. He has never even been drunk, so afraid of losing control is he.)

THE SILLIEST INJURY I ALMOST CALLED IN ABOUT

The other night I woke up with heartburn, as I all-too-often do, and fumbled the new bottle of Tums out of the hall closet. This was the brand-name bottle, not the Walgreen’s generic bottle I’d had previously. Well, the lid was not only child-proof in its tightness, but the tab you had to push to open it was razor-sharp (which also discourages children, I understand). Which I proceeded to prove–there’s nothing like standing there with heartburn, half-asleep, wrestling with recalcitrant packaging. I finally wrenched it open and wormed a tablet out of it, snapped it shut, and realized my fingers were slippery with blood. Yes, I had sliced my thumb on the razor-sharp thingy. Good thing it was my left thumb–the right one would have been in just the right spot to hit the space bar on the keyboard, and I would have had to call in sick with an outlandish story (and not for the first time, as Sam knows, and Sam, do me a favor and don’t tell Nick about that one). Although my colleague L.L. raised the bar on that one by CUTTING OFF THE TIP OF HER FINGER and coming in to work anyway. And then there’s my other colleague’s deodorant-related injury…

THE SCRATCHY GLITTER COMMERCIAL GAZETTE, ST JOE EDITION

A new CVS is going to be built catty-corner (NOT “caddy-corner,” OK?) from Walgreen’s. And no one will be able to pass through safely, because they will be shooting arrows at each other across the street.

Why haven’t these posts been illustrated lately? Because the illustration function hasn’t been working. Why don’t I fix it? Because I don’t know how. Next question?

P.S. Nick, the point I was trying to make in our last conversation begins with “R.” You’re mighty slow on the uptake for someone who wasn’t drunk.

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