Caller: “I have a flat tire and don’t know how to change it, can you send an officer out here?”
Me: “The officers don’t change tires, you’ll have to call a towing service.”
Caller: “Will they charge me?”
No, they do charity towing all the time.
IT’S ABOVE ZERO, CUE THE BROKEN WATER PIPES!
Caller: “Water’s coming out of this building on Fulton Avenue. It’s literally flooding out the ass.”
Me: “Literally flooding out the ass? I’ll connect you to the ambulance service.”
No, not really (no need to look up the playback, seriously!). But I’m running the risk of incurring a hernia from repressing sarcastic remarks. It’s been known to happen, you know.