..FILMED IN ALL-CAPS VISION, AS “CAT TOWN” USED TO SAY:
OFFICER N.C., LEGALLY CLASSIFIED AS A BEAST, HEREBY STANDS CHARGED OF THE FOLLOWING SINS, I MEAN CRIMES:
–3 COUNTS OF BANANA THEFT
–UNLAWFUL SEARCH OF A BACKPACK
–DECLARING HIMSELF THE WINNER OF A STARING CONTEST WITHOUT INFORMING ME THAT WE WERE HAVING ONE, THEREBY TAKING UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OF MY PROBLEMS WITH EYE CONTACT (I’m not sure which legal code this violates, but I suspect the Americans with Disabilities Act. I had to turn my back on him and face the TV, which was featuring “The Big Bang Theory,” which is kind of appropriate, when you think about it, so don’t.) (Oh, and speaking of the ADA…)
–MAKING FUN OF THE FACT THAT I AM SLIGHTLY HARD OF HEARING IN ONE EAR, WHICH I HAVE BEEN SINCE I WAS A CHILD
…which brings me to…
…Nick, if you refer to my supposed state of elderly decrepitude ONE MORE TIME, we will no longer be on speaking terms.
COURT IS NOW ADJOURNED, OR RECESSED, OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO (YOUR HUMBLE NARRATOR NOT HAVING BEEN IN COURT FOR MANY YEARS), UNTIL A SENTENCE IS DECIDED UPON BY THE SAID HUMBLE NARRATOR. YOU MAY ALL GO NOW, KTHXBYE. DO NOT TRAMPLE ONE ANOTHER IN YOUR HASTE TO LEAVE.