Random and Aberrant

by pjmcbride

English: Aberrant Northern Cardinal

English: Aberrant Northern Cardinal (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Welcome to Walgreen’s, home of the all-day, every-day flu shot.” Yikes! I’m guessing they drag you to the Pain Aisle for that. I bet getting flu shots all day, every day, would be even worse than the flu, especially since you don’t have to pay to get the flu.

OH, REALLY?

I received a spam comment which said, “You are not using boldface and italics correctly on your blog.” BITE ME! (No, not you, Nick.) It occurred to me that this blog has enough distinctive features that one could easily write a parody of it. Yes, I’m thinking about satirizing my satire. There is no cure for my condition.

But speaking of which (speaking of which, there’s one of them!) (the distinctive features, I mean) (not to mention parentheses!) (self-referential enough for ya yet?), after reading my favorite part of the newspaper (Stan Levco’s column) and my favorite part of TIME magazine (Joel Stein’s column), it occurred to me, “Hey! People can get paid for making smart remarks!” As opposed to, say, paying me to shut up.

WORLD LEADER EDICTS

–All taxis must be yellow, for easy identification when you’re waiting for one. Yellow personal vehicles, which cause confusion, will not technically be forbidden, but there will be an additional fee for their use.

–A new Christmas development this year must be nipped in the bud–strands of lights in which the blue lights, rather than being unmistakably blue, are actually more blue-green. Proscribed.

NICK NEWS, WHICH I KNOW EVERYONE’S BEEN WAITING FOR

Actually, I know nothing of the sort. But I do know, and now reveal, that his injury was not caused by loading equipment into his squad car (taxing as that must surely be!), but in the course of SERVING and PROTECTING one of this city’s more vulnerable inhabitants. (Nick swore to Serve and Protect at a moving ceremony which brought tears to the eyes of all who beheld it, although not all for the same reasons.) WELL-DONE, GOOD AND NOBLE BEAST! Stand up, take a bow. Oh, it still hurts to do that? Sorry. Look, he’s blushing! Just kidding. Actually, I shudder at the thought of what it would take to make him blush.

THINGS AT WHICH HE DID NOT BLUSH THAT NIGHT I CAME TO VISIT:

–His owner couldn’t make him bend over for me.

–He thought I’d asked him if he has hair on his ass. I had not.

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