Sigh….

by pjmcbride

English: A text written on Toilet paper Portug...

English: A text written on Toilet paper Português: Texto escrito num papel higiênico. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My stats today show 6 readers and 44 views?? Someone had some catching up to do.

I realized, with a sinking heart, that you all must be wondering, What, exactly,were the toilet-related remarks that snowman at Walgreen’s was making? Don’t try to deny it, you know you were. And, realizing it, I had no choice but to go back today and find out. I tried to avoid it yesterday, but duty calls, just as nature does. Ahem.

THINGS IT SAID, AND I HOPE YOU’RE SATISFIED

(singing) Who needs to go? Who needs to go? 

Don’t be scared! {as well you should be} I’m just here to keep you company!

Pull up a seat and stay awhile!

What’re you doing? Never mind–I don’t wanna know!

If you need to wrap presents, I got plenty of paper in here! (That does it. I’m wrapping everything in toilet paper this year.)

Are you OK? You look a little–flushed. Get it? Flushed!

I am truly sorry I remembered all of that. The worst part was, those things are motion-activated (“I start to talk when you walk into the bathroom!” the ad copy announces proudly), so as I frantically dodged out of the way to shut the hellish contraption up, the one behind it started, and for a moment the damn things were singing in not-quite-unison. It was like a scatological version of Row, Row, Row Your Boat (gently down the…). I was afraid the employees were going to throw me out of there for disturbing the peace. I guess if they haven’t thrown me out yet for sniffing all the body washes, they’re never going to.

YOU’RE WELCOME! Don’t ask me to do you any more favors FOR A LONG TIME.

CRISIS IN PROGRESS, MIKE-STYLE

I listened to the recording of Mercenary Mike’s 911 call of the shoplifting, as answered by T.O.  3 things come to mind:

1. People are going to start calling us asking the official meaning of “Negatory, Pigpen.” (I don’t really know what it means myself.)

2. A high point was T.O. telling the room, “Yeah, Mike’s really following them.”

3. Mike, was it actually you yelling, “STAY IN YOUR CAR!”, rather than a police officer? Because, if so, the next thing we should hear is “CITIZEN’S ARREST!”

WORLD LEADER EDICT

No one will be allowed to be first in the phone book by starting their business name with any number of A’s.

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