Don’t Try This At Home. I Mean It.

by pjmcbride

Mike Mills (REM)

Mike Mills (REM) (Photo credit: Andrew_D_Hurley)

THE ADVENTURES OF MERCENARY MIKE!

You may remember M.M. because he was the operative (although not the mastermind) behind the Baby Corn Caper. Well, he’s done it again. Items were shoplifted from an area dollar store. The culprits got into their vehicle, and tried to run over the employee confronting them. (I always wonder what people are thinking when they do these things. “SHE’S KEEPING US FROM STEALING–SHE MUST DIE!!” ) But the intrepid, not to say foolhardy, M.M. witnessed this occurrence and phoned in valuable information so that we (by which I mean those who were actually working, Your Humble Narrator being out sick with a persistent headache) could update the officers! You know how we (and by this I mean myself as well this time) always tell people not to follow miscreants just because you have a cell phone? Well, Mike is a professional (and, um, my supervisor), and you’re not, so DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME! Or away from home, either.

–911 call overheard from across the room: “Well, if you hit a dog, the dog couldn’t have insurance, and of course a deer wouldn’t either, so there’s no need for a police report.” Although if the deer were to insist, we’d have to send a car.

UNPAID COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENT

What body wash do two out of–27? 30? just how short-staffed are we at the moment, anyway?–dispatchers use? P.J. and A.J. swear by Olay Age-Defying! We may be aging, but we’re definitely defiant! (In addition, I have an assortment of rose-scented body washes for special occasions, like my days off, which is about as special as my occasions get.) (How often do I have to tell you? You. Need. To. Know.)

Another reason we know that A.J. has exquisite taste is that she told me, “I don’t know if you’re an evil mastermind or a comedic genius.” YES, I’m fishing for compliments. Desperate, pathetic, etc.

HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY, ETC., WHATEVER

I saw a (lengthy) list of Christmas TV specials. One feature was “Frosty Returns” (FROM THE GRAVE!). The list finished with “How to Survive Christmas,” on Dec. 26, at 2 a.m.

 

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