Giant Spiders Flying Through the Air!
You can hardly wait to get to those, am I right? Right, Mike? And Kevin? And a Certain Person? But first…
YESTERDAY WAS NATIONAL (OR, FOR ALL I KNOW, WORLD) CAPS-LOCK DAY! AREN’T YOU GLAD I DIDN’T POST, OR YOU’D HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS THE WHOLE TIME, AND WOULDN’T IT BE ANNOYING? (WE WISH THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY TO BE ALERTED ABOUT ANNOYING CONTENT, THEY SAY. FOR EXAMPLE, CONTENT ABOUT SPIDERS! GIANT ONES! AND DID I MENTION THAT THEY FLY THROUGH THE AIR?)
ADVENTURES I DID NOT FIND AMUSING
–What doth it profit one to wear a cool black leather jacket, if one’s pants are on backwards? Luckily I realized it before I left the house, or I’d have had to correct it at the first restroom I encountered, and someone would see the pile of clothes on the floor of the stall and think I was changing into my superhero ensemble. My superpower? To predict when carpet will be installed at a business.
THEATER OF CRUELTY: UNDER MY THUMB, HAD I BUT KNOWN IT
Turns out that I was one of the people who trained Nick as a dispatcher. (Maybe that’s why he left.) He remembers it vividly, describing it as an “uncomfortable ordeal,” but I don’t remember it at all. Presumably his claws and wings were clipped for training purposes.
SPIDERS, SPIDERS EVERYWHERE!
You’d thought I’d forgotten about them, right? I was just allowing the suspense to build. And thank you, Mercenary Mike, for giving me the idea! Consider it revenge for your role in the baby corn conspiracy.
I don’t hate spiders, but I strongly prefer that they not be on or near me. And fall is the time when spiders have grown to be their largest and most noticeable. As you probably know, spiders can be blown about on silken threads by the wind. (It’s almost like they can fly!) You probably thought, as I did, that this only works for tiny baby spiders–spiderlings, as they are called. (Isn’t that cute? I think so.)
I was walking home from the $ General store down the street one fall day, when I felt something hit me in the head. I figured it was an acorn or something similar. I felt around, but didn’t discover anything. Got home, went in the bathroom, slung off my jacket, AND A RED SPIDER THE SIZE OF A QUARTER FLEW OFF AND LANDED ON THE WALL. (That’s pretty much the sentence that boldface type was designed for, don’t you think?) What did I do? What any fierce and fabulous female would, of course–ran and got my husband, who released our new houseguest back to the wild. Yes, A GIANT SPIDER. HAD BEEN ON MY BACK. THE WHOLE WAY HOME.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
A freak accident, you say? Well, I was walking to work one fall day after that (maybe the same year–must have been a good year for spiders), and I saw, in front of me, A RED SPIDER THE SIZE OF A QUARTER SWINGING THROUGH THE AIR FROM A TREE BRANCH. Luckily, since I saw this one coming, I was able to avert disaster. Can you imagine if a giant spider had hitchhiked into Dispatch on me? Sure, we have nerves of steel, but still….
AND SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WANTING TO BEAT ME…
Today is National Slap an Annoying Co-Worker Day. (Who comes up with these things?) Sure, Nick and I are both off, frustrating any number of our colleagues, but Nick, if you’d stop by my house this evening, I’d be happy to slap you.