Work-Related Nightmares

by pjmcbride

I am blogging at the public library, because my Internet is down at home. Considering the date, it actually occurred to me that perhaps it was the work of Al-Qae

Internets = srs.biz. Parody motivator.

Internets = srs.biz. Parody motivator. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

da–not that they would single me out, but, you know, maybe the Internet all over the country was down?–but I think it’s more likely the work of the Baby Corn/Union Suit coalition. (Yes, NSA, I typed the word “Al-Qaeda.” Do with me what you will.) This screen is very old and I can hardly read what I’m typing, so I take no responsibility for appearance, and barely any responsibility for content. And yes, I paid my cable bill. THIS, by the way, is why I don’t pay my bills online, so you can all stop snickering about “Welcome to the 20th century!” RIGHT NOW, OK? It’s a good thing it itsn’t Thursday, or the library would be closed and I’d be CUT OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD. (And the Internet is about as Outside World as I get.)

Perhaps because I found out the Internet was down before I went to bed, and there was thereofre a sense of wrongness in the world, I dreamed that the government abolished unions and therefore lunch breaks were abolished and we had to eat while we worked. The big joke here is that WE DON’T GET ANY LUNCH BREAKS NOW AND HAVE TO EAT WHILE WE WORK> (Well, I can’t see what Im typing any better in all-caps. Let’s try this, shall we? Oh, much better. I can only hope it won’t annoy readers.

MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR!

The other day, I was on my way to work, and stopped in at Phillips 66 to get food and drink. Having obtained same, I went out, put my drink on the windowsill, and saddled myself with my backpack again. Apparently adjusting my backpack, picking up my food, and thinking, “It sure is hot out here” were all the things my head could hold at once, because I sauntered off, leaving my drink behind. And I was plenty crabby when I discovered it, which I didn’t until I was almost at work.

But not to fear! Nick, the GREAT AND GLORIOUS BEAST, offered to go get it for me! Sure, maybe he did it so I’d stop whining about it, but he also refilled it for me, because the ice had melted in the sun! How cool (!) is that!

MY ARCH-NEMESIS!

But said beast, although well-trained (numerous beatings were involved), is not (yet) tamed, as was proven toward the end of the shift last night. But hey, what’s a little accusation of milking a run between friends? However, he reacted by swearing that, “If you ever go on a ride-along again. I will nab you.” Said between clenched teeth, one gets the impression. But Nick, doesn’t clenching your teeth aggravate that toothache you have? Better put some ice on that. Oh, right, it’s cold-sensitive. Sorry. Anyway, I am not concerned by your vain threat, and here’s why:

1. We may not still be working the same days next year. “I’ll switch days if I have to,” he responded grimly. Commendable dedication to a hopeless cause, because

2. There are any number of other officers who could be assigned the honor. Of course (I reflect uneasily), if he offered to take me instead, said Other Officers would doubtless say, “Thanks, man! I owe you!” Which brings me to my last, and foolproof, reason why our ridealong is Not Gonna Happen, namely,

3. How, I ask you, will you ever find out when/if I’m scheduled, if I don’t tell you? And there is, you would have to agree, a strong disincentive for me to reveal that information. Therefore I must respectfully request that you suck it.

WELL, having put that unpleasantness behind us…

–Complaint call–“My boyfriend came home and started throwing McDonald’s food at me.” I can see the commercial now, with food flying through the air in slow-motion.

With every paragraph, this computer asks me if I still want to use boldface type. YES! BECAUSE I’M GOING BLIND, OK? And I’m legally blind already as it is. (Boldface italics! Triple word score!) (BOLDFACE ITALICS ALL-CAPS!  I WIN!) And have I mentioned that my Internet at home is down? And I have readers to not disappoint (well, not too much, anyway) while I’m on vacation? OK, I give up. On to get McDonald’s food, which I will not throw at anybody, and then to do battle with the cable company.

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