Yes, I’m an Unreliable Correspondent

by pjmcbride

English: New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg wi...

English: New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg with Spider-Man at Midtown Comics Downtown. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

…but let’s move on, shall we?

SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF DEPARTMENT (look, it’s a conspiracy!)

…Lurking for many months below the ground, in the company of cicadas but feared by them, slowly making its way to the surface, behold…THE UNION SUIT! DANCING ITS WAY INTO OUR HEARTS AND MINDS!

Yeah, you probably forgot about the present menace, since we’ve been battling the Baby Corn since March. But now it is a new (but equally evil) age. Especially since the B.C. will still be in evidence until the actual first day of fall. The B.C. and the U.S. have been spotted together. As always, observers were unable to determine if they were in alliance or opposition. Renewed and redoubled vigilance is called for.

{Thought I just heard a co-worker tell a caller, “Just slap your keypad.” I think she actually said ‘lock,” but, you know…}

I should have realized the signs of the times. Remember when I reported that Thornton’s no longer has 44oz cups? (Yeah, it was a long time ago, I know.) And I praised Phillips 66 for still having them? Well, the other day, I was there at Phillips and I TOOK THE LAST ONE.  (So now you know who to blame.)  Now, instead of 20, 32, and 44oz, they have 16, 20, and 32 oz. And what could this be but a conspiracy? THE Conspiracy! Sabotaging our national styrofoam supplies! Preventing us from having the quantity of carbonated beverage it is our right as Americans to have! Perhaps Mayor Bloomberg has reached his octopoid tentacles from New York into the sensible Midwest.

No, I am not insane.

P.J.’S TRAVELING RADIO SHOW

The Police Department just posted on Facebook that a couple local radio D.J.s will be going on a ridealong, and broadcasting therefrom. Being, as I am, a radio personality of sorts, I am picturing a broadcast I could do:

“Yes, we’re turning into the convenience store lot now. The building is draped in black to observe the death of the 44oz cup. Several police officers are present, with solemn faces, consoling themselves with coffee.

We are now stopping at the officer’s house so he can use the bathroom.

Now we are on Reitz Hill, currently infested with football fans, giving out parking tickets to all and sundry. I can spot my husband applauding this on my front porch.

And on to Howell Park. We spotted a couple guys hitting each other with 2 X 4’s, but it turned out to be some sort of local athletic competition.

Investigating Howell Wetlands. The officer is telling me of a case where someone died of mosquito bites here and fell into the swamp and was never heard from again, but I suspect he’s making it up.

Breaking news–we are just receiving word of a shoplifter escaped from Walmart. We are currently eastbound on the Expressway, headed toward the other side of town. I was under the impression that there is another  Walmart actually located in this particular officer’s beat, which may be the one we’re supposed to be headed for, but I never go to Walmart, so what do I know? We seem to be picking up speed in this heavy traffic, and swerving, um, rather rapidly, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NICK, PLEASE SLOW DOWN, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?” {car goes airborne briefly, a big screechy U-turn is executed, we head back toward the right Walmart this  time, and the dispatcher wonders why it always takes 2W21 so long to call on scene.}

*****************THE ASTERISKS OF SERIOUSNESS**********************************

Happy Labor Day!

A small town I’ve never heard of in Illinois is considering outsourcing their 911 services, and negotiating with 2 different national dispatch companies. National dispatch companies? Say what? “Yes, we want to make sure no one has any common-sense knowledge of our particular locality.” (Remember what I said very long ago–Just because computers make it possible to do something doesn’t mean we should be doing it?) They are doing this because, A MONTH AFTER SIGNING A UNION CONTRACT, They came back and asked the dispatchers to accept concessions, including regular pay for any overtime hours, which I believe is illegal, {commence sarcasm) in some obscure technical sense. {end sarcasm} {Yeah, I know, it never really ends.}

Y’all gonna make me act a fool, up in here, up in here….

***********AND BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM**************************

Ambulance enroute for a 14-year-old girl who dislocated her knee while dancing. LAY DOWN THE BOOGIE AND PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC TILL YOU DIE!

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