I Was Born with a Bad Disposition

by pjmcbride

I thought I had nothing to say to you, but my last call before leaving proved otherwise. Following is the transcript of my conversation with Larry the Drunk Guy:

Me: 911

Him: Huh?

Me: 911?

Him: Huh?

Me: 911!

Him: Huh?

Me: Sir, do you have an emergency?

Him: Yeah, I got a mergency! Cops ain’t showed up here yet!

Me: Sir, we’re going to send them out–

Him: You told me that before! {I wasn’t the dispatcher he’d talked to before.} I don’t like your tone! What’s your name?

Me: I’m not giving you my name. {A supervisor once tried to tell me I was obligated to give my name in these situations. I Don’t Care. I don’t intend to acquire any extra stalkers.}

Him: You’ll give me your name alright! A hundred thousand dollars’ll buy that place! {You know, all the drunks who’ve been offended by us should form a class-action lawsuit.}

Image of Savannah, Georgia

Image of Savannah, Georgia (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Me: I doubt it. {Although I’m not an expert in government expenditures.}

Him: You don’t want to talk that way to me! I’m worth two hundred million dollars! {So, you see, the hundred thousand it would take to buy this place would just be pocket change to him.} I hang out with all the judges! You know that?

Me: No, I don’t.

Him: So you don’t know that? You haven’t lived long enough to know that! If you only had a brain!

Me: Sir, I don’t have to listen to insults. I’m hanging up now.

Him: Well, I don’t have to listen to your sarcastic ass! {“If only I could say the same!” moans the supposedly-untamable Nick, currently cowering in Savannah, Georgia. And where was he when I needed a cop tonight? A Certain Person assaulted me in the break room!}

We hung up on each other simultaneously, but he added the perfect postscript. He called back a moment later, and all I heard when I answered the phone was country music, with the lyrics “Were you born an asshole?” How did he know I hate country music?

P.S. Thanks to the person who found my fortune which said, “You express yourself passionately and courageously,” and scribbled “in bed.” Your efforts did not go unnoticed.

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